who alone spoke in loud confident voices.
Near the Pantheon I came on a stout equestrian berating a group of dirty bedraggled Praetorians. They bent their heads under his insults, and lacked the spirit or nerve to reply.
As ever in anxious times, only the taverns and the brothels did good business. Most of the foodstalls had been emptied of their goods by people stocking up, and preparing to keep to their houses till times were more certain.
At last, the equestrian, having vented his spleen, departed, no doubt satisfied by having had the courage to insult broken men. I approached the Praetorians, one of whom I recognised as a centurion who had sworn his devotion to Otho with peculiar force, and the appearance of sincerity. I gave them money, small coin only. 'What will you do?' I said. 'Drink it. What else can we do?' 'If you could take passage to the East…?'
'There's not a ship's captain would carry us, not without we had gold to offer him. And we have no gold,' the centurion said. I recalled that his name was Frontinus. I drew him aside.
'You find the ship and square the master,' I said. 'I'll undertake to furnish you with the gold. You deserve to escape, and I should wish you to carry a letter to Vespasian's camp, to his son Titus.'
I arranged to meet him at a tavern in the Suburra at the same hour of the day following. Was such secrecy necessary? I did not know. 'Why not travel with us yourself, sir?' he said before we separated.
The temptation was strong. I was, I discovered, afraid, as never before. Yet I shook my head. Why? Because Titus would despise me as a coward, if I ran to him, as to my nurse? Perhaps. Because I could serve his cause better in Rome? Again, perhaps, though for the last fortnight I had felt my devotion to the Flavians cool, as my respect and pity for Otho grew warmer. Because some curiosity held me in Rome? I could not deny that reason; yet it irritated me.
I went first to my mother's house, and told her all that had happened. I urged her, in turn, to retire to the country, to one of her brother's villas.
'I'm in no danger,' she said. 'Besides, I spend all my wars in Rome.'
That sounded like bravado, or foolishness. There had never been wars in Rome, in her lifetime. Then I understood that she was speaking for her own amusement, at the same time fitting herself for a role: the severe Republican mother. Perhaps also she sensed my nervousness – fear has its smell, apprehension likewise – and spoke to stiffen my resolution. 'What sort of man is Vitellius?' I asked.
'No sort of man. The favourite of three Emperors. So the basest sort of man.'
'I've heard he murdered his own son, Petronianus, some name like that.'
'I doubt it,' my mother said. 'The other version of the tale is that the boy prepared poison for his father, but drank it himself in error. I doubt that, too. It's also said Vitellius was one of Tiberius' catamites on Capri, and that story is believed by those who believe that the poor old man did indeed indulge in depraved lusts. The truth is, son, that Vitellius all his life has been the sort of man of whom rumour has been fond, the sort of man who is the subject of dirty and nasty stories, simply because he is contemptible. He is a man with no true virtue, but that doesn't signify that he is a monster. He is merely base and mean. As for sex,' my mother paused; it was not a subject that she had ever discussed with me. Perhaps her willingness to do so now was a sign that at last she regarded me as fully adult. 'As for sex, it's my opinion that he is a pimp, a pandar to others' lusts, rather than a performer. You're surprised that I should speak to you in this manner, even that I know such things. Well, you must learn that anyone who has lived in Rome as long as I have knows much of what she does not choose to speak. Then, think only that I now speak about matters concerning which I would rather keep silent, because it is expedient in your situation that you should not remain in ignorance of the nature of the man who now wears – for how long I cannot tell – the imperial purple.'
Then, having had her say, she had the slave set before me a dish of pork and beans and a jug of wine, and watched me eat, while she questioned me about the manner in which Otho had met his death. 'I always knew,' she said, 'that there was virtue in the boy.'
Angry words of contradiction formed in my mind, remained unspoken. It would serve no purpose to tell my mother that elegant suicide served no purpose but to make a show and that, in my opinion, a man who had seized the Empire by an act which moralists would denounce as criminal should have had courage enough to pursue the struggle for mastery or die in the attempt. So I ate my beans and drank my wine, and took leave of her, saying I must go to the baths, for I was still travel-stained, and only my need to assure myself of her safety had brought me to her house in that condition.
The baths were busy for, since it was still some days before even the vanguard of the victorious army was expected in the city, men had come there the more eagerly to learn the latest news and feed on the most recent rumours. After I had been in the hot room I reclined on the bench where Lucan had first eyed me up, and thought of him and his friend Caesius Bassus, and that line of verse – 'Stark autumn closed on us, to a crackling wind from the west' – and tried to recollect the other lines as he had spoken them to me in my room by the gatehouse. But they deserted me. I felt his pervasive melancholy, his weariness with life; and then, running my fingers along my thighs, was aware of the admiration with which I was being viewed by several, but which, being a man now, I no longer desired. So I turned over on my belly and slept.
I dreamed, horribly, for in my dream I saw Domitian deflowering my Domatilla. Her initial resistance lost itself in her brother's embraces. Arms, raised to fend him off, closed around him. She thrust her mouth against him in an eager play of tongues. Her legs wrapped themselves round his thighs and buttocks, and she cried out in painful joy as he thrust. I woke with a cry and lay there shaking.
Dreams may not portend the future, but they may foreshadow the future that we fear.
When that evening I went to the apartment in the Street of the Pomegranates where the brother and sister lodged with their aunt, I watched them with narrow suspicion. In each glance they cast on each other I read a guilty complicity. When Domatilla spoke to me with the affection I had been accustomed to hear in her voice, I now detected hypocrisy and, though I told myself it was absurd to be so influenced by a dream, I could not be at ease with them.
Domitian himself was afraid. Tacitus does not believe me when I tell him (if I send the account of these days to him it will have to be heavily doctored) that Domitian was no coward. Because he hates him, he would like to despise him, too. But Domitian, in reality, was cursed with a too lively imagination, which led him to anticipate dangers – always more fearful in prospect than in reality. Now he was convinced that, as soon as Vitellius arrived in the city, or even earlier, his partisans would seek out Vespasian's son and murder him. He had infected Domatilla with his fears, and perhaps this was the new bond between them which so discomforted me. The next morning the air of excitement in the city was palpable. Though no one knew when Vitellius would arrive, many swore that acts of vengeance had already been performed on the partisans of Otho. Therefore Senators and equestrians who had given their allegiance to Otho had fled the city or were making preparations to do so. Some who had departed were confidently pronounced dead. Others now wished to conceal their support for the late Emperor, and either pretended it had not been willingly given or sought to bury it in a tumult of praise for his successor. I encountered several who assured me that Vitellius was a worthy heir, not of Nero, to whose vices he had served as pandar (as my mother had told me) but of the Divine Augustus himself. In short, there were many signs that in their alarm and apprehension, some of the noblest-born of Rome had taken leave of their senses.
As for me, I wrote a lengthy account of all that had happened, and, meeting the Praetorian centurion Frontinus, as we had arranged, gave him my document and a purse of gold (which I had borrowed with great difficulty from my mother's banker, a cousin by marriage) and advised him to make haste to the ship whose captain he had suborned. I was fortunate, I told myself, to have come upon him. There were few I would have trusted with my letter. But he had an honest face, and he still spoke of Otho with respect, and of Vitellius with manly scorn.
There was nothing to do but wait, than which nothing is more difficult when the worst is expected. Unlike Domitian I disdained to hide myself, and frequented the baths as usual. Though I could not achieve equanimity, and though nothing in my experience nor in what I had learned of comparably turbulent periods, inclined me to hope, my pride – that insensate Claudian pride – held me from despair. What must be, will be, I told myself. Things being as they are, why should I seek to deceive myself by pretending they are otherwise? At the baths, men talked of Vitellius' progress towards the city.
He had insisted, it was reported, on visiting the battlefield of Bedriacum where his lieutenants had won him the Empire. There he saw mangled corpses, severed limbs, the rotting bodies of men and horses, picked over by
