seemed to me that he had cumbered the earth long enough. So I had him dealt with, in the most gentlemanly way, you'll understand. The fact is, though, all Pompeys are losers. And what news of our colleague, the surely now truly superfluous man?
Look after Octavia, and see that the child is safely born. I can trust you for that, brother. I shall deal with the reference to Octavia in due course. Meanwhile I may as well wrap up this episode.
I could feel no grief at Pompey's execution. We had really indulged him absurdly.
It happened however that, by one of those quirks of military fortune, many of Pompey's legions surrendered to Lepidus who had played a minor part in the last weeks of the campaign. This might have been awkward, if Lepidus had been another man, for he now found himself as he thought in command of twenty two legions – say a hundred thousand men, an enormous force.
Now over the years of the triumvirate Lepidus had grown resentful; he felt his inferiority and declined to admit its cause. I was breakfasting in Syracuse, after doing sacrifice to the Gods in that city of a thousand cults, when Agrippa stormed into the room, his face the colour of a winter sunset. At first I could make no sense of what he said, for in his fury he gobbled his words. At last however, I compelled him to sit down and relax. 'Now,' I said, 'let's start again.' 'That's just what the bloody hell we'll have to,' he cried. 'That bugger Lepidus.' 'Oh Lepidus,' I said, 'Lepidus is nothing.' 'Nothing is he? He's only setting up to be bloody Pompey.' 'What do you mean?'
'Ah, I've got your interest, have I? Well, that's something. I thought you were so taken up with these Greek cults – or Greek cunts for all I know – that you'd no time left for simple things like war and politics…' 'Come on then,' I said, 'I'm all ears, like a donkey.'
My little joke fell flat. Agrippa looked even blacker than ever. Your father never understood the frivolity of serious moments, I'm afraid. But at last he came to the point: Lepidus had suffered an attack of the delusion of greatness.
'Here's the bugger's letter,' Agrippa shouted. 'He announces, with no end of flowery whatsits, that, Pompey's legions having surrendered to him, he must now regard Sicily as his Province and he therefore commands you to get yourself and your legions out of the island. How's that for brass neck?'
'Whom the Gods wish to destroy, they first make mad,' I said. 'What the hell do you mean? What do we do?' 'Nothing'
'Nothing? Are you going to take this lying down? Let me, for Jupiter's sake, march on his camp. I'll string him high as the Colossus at Rhodes…' 'Nothing,' I said again. 'We shall sit where we are. However, let Lepidus' communication be generally known. Then let us see its effect'
Agrippa drew his brows together. I took hold of his arm, and felt it tense beneath my grip. 'There will be no need of war,' I said. 'Wait and see.'
It was fine weather, I remember, though I was little able to enjoy it, for there was a mass of administrative work to see to. We were engaged throughout the civil war, you must remember, in the task of re-animating Rome's government throughout the Empire. True, at this time, I was nominally responsible only for the Western half of that Empire; but that itself entailed a deal of work. Gaul, for example, though conquered by my father, had hardly yet been brought within our administrative sphere. In Rome itself, I had already embarked on my great building programme, restoring damaged temples and public buildings, erecting new ones, and bringing some order to the irregular and haphazard provision of housing for the poor. Much of my work throughout my life has been of this nature. I do not grumble. Indeed, I have always found pleasure in the establishment of order and orderly procedure. My greatest pride has been to serve my fellow-citizens.
But I became aware of an unusual gaiety in our camp, a feeling of irresponsible high humour. Lepidus' command had become known; and all took it as the best of jokes that 'the distinguished donkey' should take it on himself to speak with authority. Then, day by day, the drift from his camp to ours quickened. The army itself was sick of war. It was now eight years since my father's murder, and in that time, none of us had known peace. Now Lepidus would stir us up again, break the fragile balance we had achieved; and he found no takers. He was indeed laughed out of his armour. Within a week of his 'command' his army had begun to desert. I called one distinguished deserter to me. This was Lepidus'own nephew, Paullus. I questioned him closely anent his uncle's state of mind. He was loud in contempt. I resolved the time had come to act and invited him to accompany me.
The next morning, taking with me only a personal guard of a dozen men, I rode out of our camp, flanked by Agrippa and Paullus. We crossed the plain in the cool before the sun rose high. Dew sparkled on the young corn, and the breeze from the south-west gently caressed our faces.
We traversed the five miles that separated the two camps without incident, and were not challenged till we reached Lepidus' outposts. Even then the challenge was half-hearted. The guard was ill turned out, the centurion a little drunk and unsteady.
'Have you come to see the General?' he called out, and then, recognizing who we were, made a visible effort to assemble his wits.
'Stand easy, man,' I said. 'Your discipline seems to leave something to be desired.'
'Sir.' He tried to come to attention and salute. I have rarely seen anything sloppier. We nodded and rode past into the heart of the camp.
The army's demoralization was evident. You would not have thought they had taken part in a great victory only weeks before. There were soldiers in various states of undress everywhere, and women too. One African girl bared her breasts and cried out to us that we could have her for free, any time we wanted, whoever we were. 'As long as you're not Lepidus himself,' she cried, 'I'd make him pay through his pompous nose.' And the soldiers standing round her laughed, to hear their General insulted.
Keeping together, though I had no fear of any danger, we rode into the parade ground. One troop – defaulters perhaps -was being put through a desultory drill by a bored centurion. They halted – without command – when they saw us, and I mounted the rostrum. Agrippa roared out to the centurion, commanding him to have his fellow-centurions assemble. This they did more quickly than I had expected, and very soon the parade square was full of men – ordinary soldiers as well as centurions – and some officers as well. Agrippa called them to silence, and I stood forward.
'Fellow-Romans,' I called out, 'many of you will know who I am. For those who don't, I am Caesar.' At the mention of the name, a great shout was raised and the crowd surged forward. 'I come to you,' I said, 'disdaining to wear any protection,' and, saying this, I tore off my breastplate and stood with my chest exposed.
'Will any man here strike Caesar?' I cried out. For a moment there was complete stillness in the crowd, and then this was overtaken by a babble of cheering. I raised my right hand. 'Well, you're better than senators then,' and they laughed in agreement. 'But,' I said, 'I'm sorry to tell you your general is of a different mind.' I produced the letter and waved it above my head. 'See here. I've a letter from him. He tells me to get out of Sicily. It's not a friendly letter, though Lepidus has no cause for complaining against me. So I've come here to ask your advice. Should I obey your general?'
Soldiers like irony. It is their own natural mode of expression, and they are pleased when it is employed by men like us at the expense of our social equals. This is not to be wondered at. Irony is after all an invitation to enter a conspiracy with the speaker.
'I confess,' I went on, 'I was in a sad state when I got this letter. Knowing Lepidus as I do, I was really alarmed. So were all my staff. Agrippa here – you won't believe this – was all for packing our bags and baggage and hot-footing it for Rome. But then, we had two thoughts. The first was: what if Lepidus follows us to Rome and tells us to get out of the city also? The second was: I wonder if his soldiers, those brave legions which have won glorious victories even under Lepidus' command, agree with their noble general. (Where is he by the way?) So I came to ask you…'
Well, you can imagine the response. I knew I was running no danger. There have never been Roman legionaries who would prefer Lepidus to me (I don't say I could have played the same game with Antony's troops – or even Pompey's). So I was quite safe and I had calculated correctly. They cheered me and roared with laughter, and crowded round the rostrum, stretching up their hands to shake mine or touch me. I let the euphoria develop, then stepped back and held up my hand again…
'Thank you, soldiers, thank you, comrades. This is a great day for all of us. We have peace in the Roman world. The Republic is no longer tormented by civil wars that have now lasted since the Senate's threats to his life and liberty compelled Caesar to lead his legions across the Rubicon. I am glad to know that you will not let Lepidus' little ambition disturb that peace. You have done nobly. It is now time to reward you. All those who wish
