Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story

went cold…cold as death.INT. OFFICE OF BILL WINCHELL, CHIEF OF ZOO SECURITYBILL WINCHELLWe don’t know how he got in…whoever got in that night. The gates, all the service entrances were secure. We might have missed it, if not for the call from a panda lover, watching our webcam.STILL IMAGE OF BLOODRED TELEPHONE AS RECORDING OF EMERGENCY CALL PLAYSZOO SECURITYHello, Zoo Security.CALLERHi, I was just watching the PandaCam?ZOO SECURITYThis is not the information line, ma’am. Zoo hours are — CALLERI know, but I was just watching, and in the panda room? There’s a guy.(SILENCE)ZOO SECURITYWhat?ALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)Security officers rushed to the enclosure where panda Lee Ling and her baby, little Shuan Shuan, slept peacefully, unaware that a predator had invaded their happy den. We can now show you enhanced webcam footage of the next few chilling moments. Don’t take your eyes away for an instant.

Doug didn’t. Jay didn’t. The video played out silently on their television screens.

'I…turned into a bat,' said Doug.

'Oh, wow.'

'That’s what happened. I turned into a bat,' Doug whispered as they aired the webcam footage a second time but slower. 'Look, I left my clothes behind. There was a skylight in the ceiling. I must’ve flown up out of the skylight.'

'Oh wow.'ALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)We present now an artist’s rendering of a possible panda-empowered supervampire.ARTIST’S RENDERING OF PANDA-EMPOWERED SUPERVAMPIRE. MUSICAL STING #11 (DISQUIETING FLUTES)

'Meet me at the farm,' said Doug, and then hung up.

8 Batting practice

THE PROBLEM, it seemed to Doug, was that he wasn’t even sure how it worked. Did he just think about being a bat? Picture a bat in his mind? Contract his muscles? Shout, 'Up, up, and away?'

'Up, up, and away,' Doug said under his breath.

'What?'

'I said, ‘This is stupid.’'

Doug had arrived before Jay and had used the time to take blood from one of the docile cows near the greenhouses. He’d done it so many times before, but now it left him feeling empty. He’d tasted real blood, human blood in San Diego. He’d felt strong. Invincible. He barely even noticed the sun, for a while. But those two small bags had only lasted a couple of weeks.

'That webcam video was pretty grainy,' said Doug. 'Maybe it just looked like—'

'But we know vampires really can do it, right?' said Jay. 'How else could you have gotten out of the panda den? And you said the vampiress did it. You said she made it look easy.'

'Yeah, well, she’s probably been doing it for five hundred years. Her mom probably made her practice when she was a kid.'

'That doesn’t make any sense—'

'Just shut up and let me think about bats, okay?'

A long minute passed, with only lowing and the distant sounds of traffic reaching Doug’s ears. Bats. Small, furry, screeching, winged bats. Bats, bats, batty—

'Screw this,' Doug said finally.

'No,' said Jay, 'c’mon. We can figure this out. There’s just something we haven’t thought of.'

They thought.

'Hit me,' said Doug.

'What?'

'I think you’re gonna have to hit me.'

'Why? I can’t do that.'

Doug sighed. 'If I’ve ever done this before, it’s because I was just hit in the head by a bear. Plus tasered a bunch of times.'

'We don’t have any Tasers,' said Jay.

'Thank you for laying that out for me. In lieu of Tasers, you’ll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I’ll turn into a bat to get away from you.'

'Fight or flight.'

'Yes.'

'Only half of that is flight.'

Doug almost said, 'Duh,' but then he got Jay’s point.

'I promise I won’t attack you,' he said.

'But what if you do?' asked Jay.

'I won’t.'

'But what if you do?'

'Then…make the sign of the cross or something.'

'You’re Jewish.'

'I really, really don’t think I would attack you—'

'I can sort of make a Star of David with my fingers,' said Jay. 'Look.'

'I’m starting to consider it, though,' said Doug. 'You know. Attacking you. I’m going to keep my options open.'

'All right,' said Jay, with his fists curled in front of his face like an old-timey pugilist. 'I’m going to hit you.'

Doug closed his eyes. 'Do it.'

'Are you ready?'

'Don’t wait until I’m ready. Just—'

Jay rushed toward Doug and threw a wild haymaker into his shoulder. Doug staggered and Jay fell into a spinach plant.

'Ow.'

'Ow.'

'Okay, don’t do the running start,' said Doug. 'Did you close your eyes? Don’t close your eyes. Stand right in front of me. Yeah. Okay, now—'

Punch.

'Ow! Jeez!'

Punch, punch.

'Okay, no, this isn’t—'

Punch-punch-punch-punch.

Jay’s blows were growing harder. It was entirely possible he was getting into it. Doug backed away, but Jay followed, punch-punch-punch-punch-punch.

'Ahh! Fuck! Stop it! Stop—'

Something happened. He felt something new, and heard Jay’s sharp gasp. He held his breath and tried to slide into it, but it was like trying to stay underwater while his fat body and airless lungs drove him to the surface.

'AHHHHHHHH!' Jay screamed.

'What?' Doug said, or tried to. His shrill voice squealed through sharp teeth like he was whistling for a cab.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHH!'

Doug looked down at himself. His body was covered in coarse, curly hair. He’d shrunk a bit — his clothes sagged — but his fingers were twig thin and distended, the webbing between them stretched tight as a drum. He’d changed, all right, but only halfway.