Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story

left his heart someplace, too.

Then he cocked his head and looked up at her face at last.

'Hey, you have a nose earring. I mean, a nose ring,' Doug said, though it wasn’t actually a ring. 'A nose…'

Sejal brightened and touched the small silver stud with her finger. 'My mother convinced me that in America I should leave the piercing empty, isn’t it? Then I meet Ophelia, and she has one, too! It feels different, like it’s a different kind of hole in you, here.'

'Uh-huhey, do you want to go see a movie sometime?' said Doug before he had a chance to think, or inhale.

Sejal reacted as if she’d just been pinched unexpectedly in the ass. 'I don’t know, Doug…'

'Oh, that’s cool.'

'I arrived so recently, I still feel very…unsettled.'

'I totally understand. I just thought you might be interested in seeing an American movie, because you’re probably just used to those kinds of dancey movies they show on Desi TV. That’s this late-night channel here, I don’t know if you’ve seen it.'

Sejal smirked. 'Okay. I do not think I’ve seen any of the current American movies. Why not.'

'Hey, all right! Great. Um, well, I have this big dinner party to go to tonight, but Friday?'

'Yes.'

'Okay,' said Doug. 'Well, I’ll see you at school!' He stood hard on the pedals, then biked quickly away, before he was overcome by it. Before her yes could catch up to him and set him ablaze.

15 Testing

THE PHONE WAS ringing as Doug entered the back door of his home. He let it ring, went upstairs, rubbed lotion into his dry cheeks. Then he sat at his computer and called for messages as he searched for 'The Hawthorne Chestnut Hill.' It sounded familiar.

'You have…four…new messages. New message.'

'Hi, Doug…it’s Jay. You were supposed to call by five, so…just calling to—'

'Message has been deleted. New message.'

'Hi, Doug…it’s Jay. I hope everything’s okay. 'I don’t—'

'Message has been deleted. New message.'

'Jay again. Call me as soon as you get this, I’m really wor—'

'Message has been deleted. New message.'

'It’s Jay. I’m really, really—'

'Message has been deleted. End of messages.'

Doug laid the phone down on his desk. The Hawthorne turned out to be an eighteenth-century mansion in Chestnut Hill, another suburb of Philadelphia. It was going to be kind of far to bike, though. He’d probably have to take a train, change at Thirtieth Street, take another up there. If he went, that is.

Outside there was a squeal of brakes, the slam of a car door, and then, a few seconds later, the doorbell.

Doug answered the doorbell. Jay was on the step, bobbing like a balloon.

'Oh, hey,' said Doug. 'I just tried to call you. Had you tried to call? I didn’t get the messages yet.'

Jay just narrowed his eyes and frowned like a bulldog and shook his head. Then he turned and started back to the curb.

'Hey! Seriously! I just got home! Some crazy shit happened at the drainpipe! Secret meetings and this- message-will-self-destruct kind of shit. I need to tell you about it. I need help deciding what to do.'

Jay paused at the car door.

In what felt like the marathon of run-on sentences, Doug caught Jay up on the events of the day. Sort of. In this version Victor just wanted to talk to Doug about some private math tutoring, and the dead butler didn’t arrive until after Victor left. When Doug finished, the sun was behind the trees and his mom and dad were returning home.

'Hi, kids,' said Dad.

'Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Lee.'

'Mom, can Jay stay for dinner?'

Mom paused in the driveway, her arms hugging her briefcase and two bags of groceries. Her expression conveyed to Doug, via a bit of family-only telepathy, that he knows he’s not supposed to ask in front of Jay like that because now how can she say no even though they’re only having Manwiches? 'If it’s okay with Jay’s mom' was all she said out loud.

'You can help me figure out the best route to ride my bike to the party,' Doug told Jay when his parents were out of sight. He hoped that hook wasn’t too flagrantly baited, but what he really wanted was for Jay to offer him a ride.

'You’re definitely going?'

'I don’t think it’s the Vampire Hunters. Do you? It doesn’t seem like their style.'

'No,' Jay admitted. 'Do you want a ride? You don’t want to show up all sweaty.'

'That would be awesome.'

The boys ate and finished their homework. Then they drove early to the Hawthorne to be sure they could find it.

'This has to be it,' said Doug. 'It’s perfect. You can’t even see the house from the road.'

Past a NO OUTLET sign the dark and quiet street stretched into a sharp, thin curve. The front gate of the Polidori residence was garnished with thick ivy. You didn’t borrow a cup of sugar from this sort of neighbor. This neighbor had no sugar for you.

Jay backed out to the NO OUTLET sign again and turned around.

'We’ll go down to the creek somewhere,' said Jay.

'Good,' said Doug. 'We should have done this before. I want to go into that house with as few questions as possible.'

They walked through the shimmering trees toward the smell of water. Jay carried a grocery bag in addition to his schoolbag, and it was from the former that he produced a set of high galoshes. He sat on a rock and slipped them over his shoes.

'We’re going to the other side of the creek,' he said. 'There’ll be less chance of running into anyone else over there.'

'Uh-huh. Where are my galoshes?'

'I didn’t think you’d care. You don’t really feel cold when you’re full of blood, right?'

'But I still feel this acute sense of embarrassment when I show up for a vampire party later with wet feet.'

Jay avoided his eyes. 'Oh. Well, you’ll be dry by then, with this wind,' he said, and started across the rushing water.

There was nothing else to do but follow. Doug didn’t feel the cold, but he felt the damp, and there was no mistaking the transcendental goose of a suddenly wet crotch. He stumbled over the slick rocks and leaned into the incline on the other side.

'Sorry about that,' said Jay after a few minutes of walking, 'but that was actually the first test. Some sources say that vampires can’t cross running water. It didn’t hurt or anything?'

'Of course not. That was a test? I’ve crossed running water all kinds of times since getting made. In planes. In cars. I’m even the only guy I know who washes his hands after he pees. Not that I pee much anymore…'

'Can cross running water,' said Jay as he made notes in a big red binder. 'Doesn’t pee much. Okay'—he