Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story

himself and Pamela. The harder he tried to swap her out with a swimsuit model or something, the more his sweaty boy mind insisted on Pamela. Is this what being a teenager meant, that his fantasy life wasn’t even his own? Pamela did have one thing going for her — a big rack. Maybe that was two things. Okay, three — he supposed she was smart.

A year or two ago Doug and his friend Stuart got into a debate over whether Pamela was hot. Stuart said she was because of her tits, and Doug said that’s sexist, you can’t think a girl’s hot just because of bra size if she’s otherwise ugly, and then Jay overheard and shouted, 'HOW IS IT NOT SEXIST TO CALL HER UGLY AND, BESIDES, SHE’S NOT UGLY,' and then he started crying. It had been a really fantastic afternoon.

The secret key to their relationship was that Pamela had once kissed Doug while their mothers played tennis. When he was six and she seven. Neither of them ever referred to it directly, though when cornered, she still occasionally blamed him for giving her lice.

Now she stepped down into the yard with her watering can, the potted plants apparently forgotten, and silently studied Doug like his face was a chessboard. 'You need more sun, you know,' she said.

As if, thought Doug.

'You’re never going to grow any taller, hiding under that poncho all the time. Here, I’ll water you.'

She tipped the can over his ponchoed head. His ears filled with the spatter of water on plastic. It didn’t get him very wet, but in his haste to escape he fell backward over the rubber swing.

'Gah — dammit!'

Pamela howled. Beside them, Jay said quietly, 'Pam, Doug is my guest.'

'Yeah!' said Doug once he was back on his feet. His eyes burned. He hoped Pam could feel the intensity of his stare, the conviction behind his hatred. 'Jay’s guest! So why don’t you show a little hospitality, huh?'

Pamela wore an odd look.

'Just…fuckin’…fix me a lemonade and leave us alone,' he told her.

She held his gaze for a moment, then walked off without a word.

'Well…good. Whatever,' said Doug as he watched Pam climb back onto the deck. The swing set creaked as he settled again in the seat next to Jay.

Jay said, 'Sorry.'

'Forget about it,' Doug answered. 'So what are you doing for the rest of today?'

'I dunno. I thought Cat might call about changing her operating system.'

'Yeah. Like that’s really gonna happen.'

The kitchen door opened again. Pamela stepped through it, crossed the deck, came down the stairs, and handed Doug a glass of lemonade. She looked pained. Then she walked off again and reentered the house.

Doug frowned at his lemonade. Jay frowned at Doug.

'Did you just hypnotize my sister?'

20 Sound bites, redux

'HELLO?'

'Hi, is this…Mike Storch?'

'Speaking.'

'Oh, hi. My name’s Chris Spears, I’m a marketing assistant with Warner Brothers. I work with DC Comics, mostly, and I—'

'Oh! Great, thank you for calling me. Did you…'

'Yeah, I had a look at that police sketch of the kid you faxed to our offices. Someone put it up in the break room.'

'I should stop you right there, Chris, and say that it’s not actually a police sketch. It was done by a police sketch artist, but I am not with any law enforcement organization.'

'Oh. Well, is this kid in trouble or something?'

'No, probably not. Some people are looking for him, is all. Did you see him at the San Diego Con?'

'Yeah, I’m certain of it. I moderated this DC editors panel, and we gave away a couple prizes before the show. The kid tried to win the prizes, made a real ass of himself, if you ask me.'

'Okay. That’s something. You’re sure it was him?'

'Pretty sure. He looked like the sketch, and the height and clothes are right, and…you say something here about strange behavior? Aversion to sunlight?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, this kid had a pretty bad sunburn.'

'I don’t suppose you talked to him much.'

'Well, that’s the thing — our prizes went to the people who’d traveled the farthest to be there. And this kid said he’d come from Philadelphia.

'…Hello? You still there, Mike?'

'I’m here. This is outstanding news. You’re sure it was Philadelphia?'

'I’m sure. He shouted it twice, and then he tried to convince everyone that it was farther away than Maine, and…I don’t think I’d remember all this normally, but, like I said, he was a pain in the ass.'

'A pain in the neck, if we’re lucky.'

'What’s that?'

'Nothing, Chris. Thanks for your help.'

21 Cross

CAT DID HOLD JAY to his promise to reformat her laptop. Doug barely found out about it in time.

He and Jay were IM’ing while Doug web crawled his way through Labor Day afternoon. He didn’t care for chatting or texting much, but he liked talking on the phone even less.Doug: Still there?Jay: sorry had to answer the phone.Doug: I think we should play this new MMORPG called Darkness. It’s about vampires.Jay: don’t u get enough of that irl?Doug: You chat like a 12-year-old girl.Jay: lol! irl = in real life

Doug responded that he knew what it meant, though he had in fact been searching for the abbreviation in an online glossary.Doug: Anyway, Darkness — you can play a vampire or a vampire hunter. Or a werewolf or demon or a lot of other things I don’t care about.Jay: i know, i’ve heard of it.Doug: But get this: one of the goals you can work toward as a vampire is hunting down the vampire that made you. If you kill it, you become a superpowered human.

Doug watched the minutes tick by on his computer. He might get distracted from time to time while Jay was waiting for a response, but Jay was usually pretty attentive. He killed time watching clips on YouTube, but nothing moved him. Where he’d once considered it his duty to tell people who posted stupid videos that their videos were stupid, it felt less important now in the grand scheme of things.Doug: Am I boring you?Jay: sorry, getting some stuff together. i gotta go soon.Doug: Where are you going?

Another long pause. Doug thought, screw this and flopped down on his bed with a comic book. The computer pinged.Jay: ok i might as well tell u i’m going 2 Cat’s 2 help her w/ her os. i wasn’t going 2 tell u cause remember when u said Adam’s nicer 2 us when no one’s around? sometimes u make fun of me more when there r people around. well not more i guess but it bugs me more. but i feel weird going over there alone so u can come if you want.

Doug felt a twist in his stomach then, a vinegary taste in his mouth. He couldn’t be the bad guy here. In a world of ass-holes, how could Jay think this of him?Doug: I don’t make fun of you. I just joke around. That’s what friends do. If it bothered you so much, you should have told me.Jay: my fault then.Doug: That’s not what I’m