Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story

'You’re really not into Doug, are you?' asked Cat. 'You’re just naturally nicer to him than everyone else.'

Sejal nodded. Her stomach seethed.

'If he asks you out again, you have to tell him no. Guys like him who haven’t hooked up much…they get clingy real fast.'

'I know this. You could say the same of Jay.'

'I’m handling Jay. But with Doug…trust me, it’s better you say something sooner than later. Just say dating’s not allowed in your country or your religion or—'

'I know, I know. I will tell him. Don’t eat my head.'

'Sorry, yaar,' said Cat.

Silence followed, and Cat turned up the sound.EXT. FLOODLIT, TREE-LINED FIELD AT NIGHTVAMPIRE HUNTER CREW STANDS IN A LOOSE LINE, REDEEMERS IN HAND. THEY FACE A SECOND LINE OF DRESSMAKER’S DUMMIES. ALAN FRIENDLY IN FRONT. MUSICAL STING #24 (REDEEMER THEME)ALAN FRIENDLYThere! The San Diego vampires are before us! Present Redeemers!CREW MEMBERS RAISE THEIR WEAPONSALAN FRIENDLYSend those mothersuckers back to hell, boys! Fire at will!CREW FIRES WEAPONS. QUICK CUTS OF DUMMIES STRUCK IN THE HEART WITH STAKES, DUMMIES STUCK IN THE HEART IN SLOW MOTION, DUMMIES STRUCK IN THE HEART IN BLACK-AND-WHITE WITH DRIPPING BLOOD EFFECT #3 (BLOODY VENETIAN BLINDS)ALAN FRIENDLYEquipped and confident, we set back out on the trail. Last week we learned that two individuals, quite possibly a vampire and his ghoul, robbed a bloodmobile outside the San Diego Convention Center. A convention center that was playing host to the largest pop-culture gathering in the world, Comic-Con International.MONTAGE OF SCENES FROM PAST CONS, COURTESY OF COMIC–CON INTERNATIONALALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)Comic-Con: four days of sights, frights, and delights in the heart of San Diego—

'They’re stalling,' said Cat. 'They must not have anything good this week.'

'No,' said Sejal.

'I really didn’t mean to…eat your head?'

'Do you not say that here?'

'I don’t know, but I’m saying it every chance I get now.'

'I did not mean to snap. I’ve been testy. I thought I should try to like Doug. But I think I understand now that he is not my sort for a number of reasons. Jay is nicer.'

Cat nodded. 'And kind of more fun when Doug isn’t around. Hey, you’re not gonna like Jay now, are you? Not that it wouldn’t be okay, but…'

'No. It would not be good for me to date a boy with an Intel Quad Core with E-Line connectivity.'

'Right. Hey, stormtroopers.'EXT. THE BEACH — A REGIMENT OF STORMTROOPERS RUN DRILLSALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)On Mission Beach we caught up with two Imperial Stormtroopers of the 501st Legion, who were attendees at the convention. Do you remember any people who could have conceivably been vampires? STORMTROOPER #1Dude, tons. (to Stormtrooper #2) You remember that vampiress with Arcade Comics? She was all kinds of hot.STORMTROOPER #2Totally. Her <bleep> were all (motions with hands)…can I say <bleep>?ALAN FRIENDLYNot on basic cable.STORMTROOPER #1Remember those slave Leias that posed for that big group photo with Jabba?STORMTROOPER #2(laughing) They weren’t vampires.STORMTROOPER #1Oh, right. Vampires. Well, there was that old lady dressed as Elvira.STORMTROOPER #2That was Elvira.STORMTROOPER #1And there was that guy dressed like that guy from Dark Shadows.STORMTROOPER #2And that girl dressed like that girl from that video game.ALAN FRIENDLYThese are not the vampires we’re looking for.

'Heeey,' said Jay from the doorway, and he had Doug with him. 'Look who I found.' Doug said hello and the girls answered.

Sejal supposed it was the sun allergy that made Doug always look better at night. He wasn’t wearing the same clothes he’d left in, and these new clothes were less than flattering — the T-shirt, in particular, looked like the sort of thing you’d get free for opening a checking account. Still, there was something very ripe and alive about Doug now.

'His clothes got all sweaty from the bike ride. So he stopped at his house on the way back. That’s what took him so long,' said Jay. Doug said and did nothing to confirm or deny any of it. He stood calmly in the doorway as though waiting to be invited in.

'What did we miss?' asked Jay finally as he went and sat down beside Cat.

'Whole lotta nothin’. They’re just fartin’ around San Diego.'

'Good.'

'Good?'

'Yeah, I mean…I didn’t want to miss it if they caught him.'

Doug had taken a seat behind the rest of them, but Sejal could feel his eyes on her. She stole a glance and regretted it — he was gazing at her, all right. That’s the word for it, she thought. He is gazing. The light of desperation, that faltering candle, was gone from his eyes. Now they were steady, warm, and even, and Sejal couldn’t explain the chill that seized in her chest.

'Excuse me,' she said, and left the room.

The hall bathroom did not lock. She didn’t really have to go, but she hiked down her pants and underwear nonetheless, going through the motions as though the dance itself might bring rain. She sat on the toilet and tried to work out why a girl from a house where people did not lock doors might now have groped every inch of a bald doorknob for something to turn or press. What was wrong with her? This was only Doug.

After what seemed the right amount of time she rose, dressed, washed her hands, and opened the door to where Doug stood in the hallway. She had to make an effort not to laugh or scream.

'I need to talk to you outside a minute,' said Doug.

Sejal stood silently for a moment, then sighed and followed him through the kitchen and out the back door. Across the deck, down stairs into the yard, he stopped by a weathered swing set. Sejal sat on one of the swings and curled her arms around the chains, because who could come so close to a swing set without sitting on a swing? But Doug stood before her.

'That’s perfect,' he said. 'You on that swing set.' He didn’t elaborate on what was perfect about it. 'I just wanted to tell you that things are going to be different now. I’m a different person than I was when you met me.'

'That is…remarkable,' said Sejal. 'I met you only a week ago, no?'

The moonlight touched off a single cold spark in each of his eyes, and it was only now that Sejal realized Doug was not wearing his glasses. Sejal had had a good look at those lenses before, at the Coke-bottle curves of the glass, so now she relaxed, no longer clothed in the scratchy self-awareness that comes from being on display. There was no way Doug could see anything but smears of color. His familiarity with Jay’s house had been a good cover, but he was blind as a bat.

'A lot can happen in a week. A lot has happened to me just tonight — I’ll tell you all the details someday, but it can wait for now. I just want you to understand that we can take things slowly if you want, I have all the time in the world.'

Dating is not allowed in my country, Sejal repeated in her thoughts. It’s against my religion. I’m arranged to marry a cricketer. In fact, I’m already married now! A dozen dodges and excuses formed in her mind, but she stayed silent. If she could, she would have remained silent forever, but there was Doug above her like a vetala, a folktale spirit, demanding answers. Say the wrong thing and she’d never be rid of him. Speak properly and she could set him free.

'Doug, I’m not interested in you as a suit — as a boyfriend. I think perhaps we should not hang around anymore.'

Doug smiled. 'You don’t mean that.'

Sejal blinked and skimmed back through her last statement for typos. Everything checked out.

'I do mean that. Actually.'

'There’s a lot you don’t understand,' Doug answered, 'but you will. I’ll take care of you.'

Sejal laughed now, half from nerves. But then she laughed harder as a sort of slap in the face, the best she could do to soothe a bright animal whisper in her to flee, to put doors and distance between her and this boy