sensation of being wanted in turn.
She wasn't like other women. But why? He'd wanted before, been charmed and baffled and achy before. But not like this. He couldn't think when he was close to her. He could only feel. Tenderness, passion, frustration, desire. It was as if when he held her intellect clicked off and emotion, pure emotion, took over.
Was it that she was every man's fantasy? A generous, willing woman with needs and demands to match a man's-a woman without inhibitions or pretenses. He wished he could believe it was that. He wanted to believe it was only that. But he knew it was more. Somehow it was much more.
And he was losing himself, degree by degree, layer by layer. All his life he'd known where he was going and why. It wasn't possible, it wasn't right, to allow this-to allow her-to change it.
He had to stop it now, while he still had a choice, or at least while he could still pretend he had one.
Slowly, and with much more difficulty than he'd imagined, he pulled away from her. The sun was hanging in the west, still bright, vivid enough to bring out the highlights in her hair. It wasn't just brown as he'd thought, it had dozens and dozens of variations of the shade. Soft, warm, rich. Like her eyes. Like her skin.
He forced himself not to lift a hand to her cheek to touch just once more.
'We'd better go in.'
She'd melted inside. Completely. He could have asked anything of her in that moment and she'd have given it without a second thought. Such was the power of loving. She blinked, struggling against coming back to earth. If the choice had been hers, and hers alone, she would have stayed where she was, in his arms, forever.
But she wasn't a fool. He wasn't talking about going in to continue what they'd begun, but to end it. She closed her eyes, accepting the hurt.
'Go ahead. I think I'll get a little more sun.'
'Jack.'
She opened her eyes. He was surprised to see such patience in them. He shifted away, knowing that if he remained too close he'd touch her again and start the merry-go-round spinning. 'I don't like to start anything until I know how it's going to finish.'
She let out a long sigh because she understood. 'That's too bad. You miss an awful lot that way, Nathan.'
'And make less mistakes. I don't like to make mistakes.'
'Is that what I am?' There was just enough amusement in her voice for him to be relieved.
'Yes. You've been a mistake right from the beginning.' He turned to her again, noting that she was looking at him the way he sometimes saw her look when she was putting together a complicated dish. 'You know it would be better if you didn't stay here.'
She lifted a brow. It was the only change in the quietly intense look. 'Are you kicking me out?'
'No.' He said it too quickly and cursed himself for it. 'I should, but I don't seem to be able to.'
She laid a hand on his shoulder lightly. He was tense again. 'You want me, Nathan. Is that so terrible?'
'I don't take everything I want.'
She frowned a moment, thinking. 'No, you wouldn't. You're too sensible. It's one of the things I like best about you. But you will take me eventually, Nathan. Because there's something right about us. And we both know it.'
'I don't sleep with every woman who attracts me.'
'I'm glad to hear it.' Jackie sat up completely, tucked up her knees and wrapped her arms around them. 'Indulging like that is dangerous in more ways than one.' Turning her head, she studied him. 'Do you think I sleep with every man who raises my blood pressure?'
Restless and not entirely comfortable, he moved his shoulders. 'I don't know you or your life-style.'
'Well, that's fair.' She preferred things to be fair. 'Let's get the sex out of the way, then. It dims the romance a bit, but it's sensible. I'm twenty-five, and I've fallen in and out of love countless times. I like falling in better, but I've never been able to stick. Nathan, this might be difficult for you to accept, but I'm not a virgin.'
When he shook his head and dropped his chin on his chest, she patted his shoulder.
'I know, shocking, isn't it? I confess, I've been with a man. Actually, I've been with two. The first time was on my twenty-first birthday.'
'Jack-'
'I know,' she interrupted with a wave of her hand. 'That's a little late in this day and age, but I hate to follow trends. I was crazy about him. He could quote Yeats.'
'That explains it,' Nathan muttered.
'I knew you'd understand. Then a couple of years ago I was into photography. Moody black-and-whites. Very esoteric. I met this man. Black leather jacket. Very sullen good looks.' There was more amusement in her eyes now than sentiment.
'He moved in with me and sat around being attractive and despondent. It only took me a couple of weeks to discover I wasn't meant to be depressed. But I got some wonderful pictures. Since then, there hasn't been anyone who's made my toes curl. Until you.'
He sat still, wondering why he should be glad there had only been two important men in her life. And why he was now jealous of both of them. After a moment he looked at her again. The light had changed subtly. It warmed her skin now.
'I can't decide whether you have no guile whatsoever or if you have more than anyone I've ever met.'
'Isn't it nice to have something to wonder about? I guess that's why I want to write. You can 'I wonder' yourself from beginning to end.' She was silent only a moment. Jackie's debates with herself never lasted long. 'Nathan, there's another thing you might want to wonder about. I'm in love with you.'
She rose after she told him, feeling it would be best for both of them.
'I don't want you worry about it,' she said as he sat in stunned silence. 'It's just that I hate it when people try to pretend things away. Good things, I mean. I think I'll go in after all and change before I start dinner.'
She left him alone. He wondered if anyone else could drop a bombshell so casually, then wander off without checking the damage. Jackie could.
He frowned, watching the way the sun danced in diamonds on the water. There was a boat running north. He could just hear the purr of the motor. The air smelled richly of spring, flowers sun-warmed and burgeoning, grass freshly cut. The days were lengthening, and the heat remained well into evening.
That was life. It went on. It had a pattern.
She was in love with him.
That was absurd… so why wasn't he surprised? It all had to do with who she was, he decided. While he wasn't one to use words like love casually, she would be much freer with words, and with feelings.
He didn't even know what love meant to her. An attraction, an affection, a spark. That would be more than enough for many people. She was impetuous. Hadn't she just told him she'd fallen in and out of love countless times? This was just one more adventure for her.
Wasn't that what he wanted to believe? If it was, why did the thought leave him cold and angry?
Because he didn't want to be another adventure. Not for her. He didn't want her to be in love with him… but if she was, he wanted it to be real.
Rising, Nathan walked over to where his land gave way to the wall and the wall to the water. Once his life had moved that smoothly-like a calm channel flowing effortlessly out to sea. That was what he wanted, and that was what he had. He didn't have time to deal with impulsive women who talked about love and romance.
Sometime in the future there would be time for such things-with the proper woman. Someone sensible and polished, Nathan thought. Then he wondered why that suddenly sounded like a nice piece of furniture instead of a wife.
She was doing this to him, he realized, and he resented it. She had no business telling him she was in love with him, making him think that maybe, just maybe, what he was feeling was-
No. He brought himself up short as he turned to scowl back at his house. It was beyond ridiculous to imagine, even for an instant, that he could be in love with her. He barely knew the woman, and for the most part she was an annoyance. If he was attracted it was simply because she was attractive. And he'd kept himself so tied up with work in Germany that he hadn't had time for the softer things a man needed.
And, damn it, that was a lie. Disgusted, he turned back to the water again. He did feel something for her. He wasn't sure what or why, but he felt it. He wanted more than to tumble into bed with her and satisfy an itch. He
