Jack. I'd rather hurt you now than hurt you consistently over the rest of our lives.'
She said nothing for a moment, afraid she would say too much. Her heart had gone out to him. There had been more misery in those last few words than she'd known he felt, or could feel. Though she hurt with him, she wasn't sorry she'd dredged it up.
'Was it that bad?' she said quietly. 'Were you that unhappy growing up?'
He could have sworn at her for putting her slim, sensitive finger on the core of it. 'That's not relevant.'
'Oh, it is, and we both know it.' She rose. She had to move, just a little, or the tension inside of her was going to explode and shatter her into a million pieces. 'Nathan, I won't say you owe me an explanation. People are always saying 'he owes me,' or 'I owe him.' I've always felt that when you do something for someone, or give something away, that you should do it freely or not at all. So there's no debt.' She sat again, calmer, then looked at him again. 'But I have to say that I think it's right for you to tell me why.'
He fished out a cigarette and lit it as he sat on the opposite end of the bed. 'Yes, you're right. You're entitled to reasons.' He was silent for a long time, trying to sort out the words, but it wasn't possible to plan them. So he simply began.
'My mother came from a wealthy and established family. She was expected to make a good marriage. A proper marriage. She'd been raised and educated with that in mind.'
Jackie frowned a little, but tried to be fair. 'That wasn't so unusual a generation ago.'
'No, and it was the rule of thumb in her family. My father had more ambition than security, but had earned a reputation as an up-and-comer. He was, I've been told, dynamic and charismatic. When my mother fell in love with him, her family wasn't overjoyed, but they didn't object. Marriage to her gave my father exactly what he wanted. Family name, family backing, a well-bred wife who could entertain properly and give him an heir.'
Jackie looked down at her empty cup. 'I see,' she murmured, and she was beginning to.
'He didn't love her. The marriage was a business decision.'
He paused again, studying the column of smoke rising toward the ceiling. Was that the core of it? he wondered. Was that what had damaged his parents, and him, the most? Restless, he moved his shoulders. It was history, ancient history.
'I don't doubt that he had a certain amount of affection for her. He wasn't able, he'd never been able, to give too much of himself. His business took him away from home quite a bit. He was obsessed with making a fortune, with personal and professional success. When I was born, he gave my mother an emerald necklace as a reward for producing a son.'
She started to speak, struck by the bitterness in his tone, then closed her mouth. Sometimes it was best only to listen.
'My mother adored him, was almost fanatic about it. As a child I had a nurse, a nanny and a bodyguard. She was terrified of what he might do if anything happened to me. It wasn't so much that she worried about me as a son, but as
'Oh, Nathan…' she began, but he shook his head.
'She told me in almost those words when I was five, six years old. She told me that and a great deal more once her feelings for him had changed. I rarely saw either of them when I was growing up. She was so determined to be the perfect society wife, and he was always flying off somewhere or another to close a deal. His idea of being a father consisted of periodic checks on my progress in school, lectures on responsibility and family honor. The trouble was, he had no honor himself.'
With slow, deliberate motions he crushed out his cigarette. 'There were other women. My mother knew and ignored it. He told me once there was nothing serious in those relationships. A man away from home so often required certain comforts.'
'He told you?' Jackie demanded, stupidly shocked.
'When I was sixteen. I believe he considered it a heart-to-heart. My mother's feelings for him were dead by that time, and we were living like three polite strangers in the same house.'
'Couldn't you have gone to your grandparents?'
'My grandmother was dead. She might have understood. I can't be sure. My grandfather considered the marriage a success. My mother certainly never complained, and my father had lived up to his potential. He would have been horrified if I'd arrived on his doorstep saying I couldn't live in the same house with my own parents. Besides, I had the place to myself a great deal of the time.'
Privacy, she thought. She certainly understood his need for privacy. But what would it have done to a young boy to have his privacy in such an unhealthy place? 'It must have been terrible for you.'
She thought of her own family, wealthy, prestigious, respected. But their house had never been quiet, not the way she imagined Nathan's childhood home. It had never been cold. Hers had been filled with screams of laughter and accusations. With fists raised, the emotion in the threat heatedly real at the moment, then laughed about later.
'Nathan,' she began slowly, 'did you ever tell them how they made you feel?'
'Once. They were simply appalled with me for my lack of gratitude. And my lack of… graciousness in bringing up the subject. You learn not to beat your head against a wall that isn't going to move and find other ways.'
'What other ways?'
'Study, personal ambitions. I can't say they ceased to exist for me as parents, but I shifted priorities. My father was away when I graduated from high school. I went to Europe that summer, so I didn't see him again until I was in college. He'd discovered I was studying architecture and came, he thought, to pull the rug out from under my feet.
'He wanted, as you put it once, for me to follow in his footsteps. He expected it. He demanded it. I'd lived under his thumb for eighteen years, totally cowed by my, and my mother's, perception of him. But something had happened. When I'd decided I wanted to build, the idea, the dream of that, became bigger than he.'
'You'd grown up,' she murmured.
'Enough, apparently, to stand up to him. He threatened to stop my tuition. I had a responsibility to him and the family business. That's all the family was, you see. A business. My mother was in full agreement. The fact was, once she'd stopped loving him, she couldn't have cared less. For her, I was my father's son.'
'Surely that's too harsh, Nathan. Your mother-'
'Told me she hadn't wanted me.' He reached for another cigarette, then broke it in half. 'She said she believed if I hadn't been born her marriage could have been saved. Without the responsibility of a child she could have traveled with my father.'
Her face had gone very white. She didn't want to believe him. She didn't want to think that anyone could be so cruel to her own child. 'They didn't deserve you.' Swallowing a lump of tears, she rose to go to him.
'That's not the point.' He put his hands out, knowing if she put her arms around him now he would fall apart. He had never spoken of this with anyone before, hadn't wanted to think it through stage by stage. 'I made a decision that day I faced my father. I had no family, had never had one and didn't need one. My grandmother had left me enough to get me through college. So I used that, and took nothing from him. What I did from that point, I did on my own, for myself. That hasn't changed.'
She let her arms rest at her sides. He wouldn't allow her to comfort him, and as much as her heart ached to, her mind told her that perhaps it wasn't comfort he needed.
'You're still letting them run your life.' Her voice wasn't soft now, but angry, angry with him, angry for him. 'Their marriage was ugly, so marriage itself is ugly? That's stupid.'
'Not marriage itself, marriage for me.' Fury hit him suddenly. He'd opened up an old and tender wound for her, yet she still wanted more. 'Do you think people only inherit brown eyes or a cleft chin from their parents? Don't you be stupid, Jack. They give us a great deal more than that. My father was a selfish man. I'm a selfish man, but at least I have the common sense to know I can't put myself, you or the children we'd have through that kind of misery.'
'Common sense?' The MacNamara temper, famed for generations, leaped out. 'You can stand there spouting off that kind of drivel and call it common sense? You haven't got enough sense to fill a teaspoon. For God's sake, Nathan, if your father had been an ax murderer, does that mean you'd be lunging around looking for people to chop up? My father loves raw oysters, and I can't stand to look at them. Does that mean I'm adopted?'
