her visitor, Sarah walked inside.
Alice hesitated. It didn’t feel right, not when Miss Conway was a real lady. But if she went back and couldn’t tell Carlotta that she’d done what she’d been sent for, she’d get slapped around for sure. Carlotta always knew when you lied. And you always paid for it.
Sarah heard the timid footsteps as she put water on to boil. Before she could turn and offer Alice a seat, the girl was bubbling.
“Oh, my, isn’t this pretty? You’ve got a real nice place here, Miss Conway. Curtains and all.”
“Thank you.” Her smile was full and genuine. It was the first time she’d had company who had thought so. “I’m more and more at home here. Please, sit down, Miss Johnson. I’m making tea.”
“It’s real kind of you, but I don’t feel right, you giving me tea. It ain’t proper.”
“This is my house, and you’re my guest. Of course it’s proper. I hope you’ll enjoy these cookies. I made them only yesterday.”
With her fingers plucking nervously at her skirt, Alice sat. “Thank you, ma’am. And don’t worry. I won’t tell a soul I came in and sat at your table.”
Intrigued, Sarah poured the tea. “Why don’t you tell me what brought you out to see me?”
“Carlotta. She’s been looking at all the dresses you’ve been making for the ladies in town. They’re real pretty, Miss Conway.”
“Thank you.”
“Just the other day, after Jake left-”
“Jake?”
“Yes’m.” Hoping she was holding the cup properly, Alice drank. “He comes into the Silver Star pretty regular. Carlotta’s real fond of him. She don’t work much herself, you know. Unless it’s somebody like Jake.”
“Yes, I see.” She waited for what was left of her heart to break. Instead, it swelled with fury. “I suppose she might find a man like him appealing.”
“She surely does. All the girls got a fondness for Jake.”
“I’m sure,” she murmured.
“Well, like I was saying, Carlotta got it into her head one day after he left that we should have us some new clothes. Something classy, like ladies would wear. She told me Jake said you could sew some up for us.”
“Did he?”
“Yes, ma’am. She said she thought Jake had a real fine idea there, and she sent me on out to see about it. I got me all the measurements.”
“I’m sorry, Miss Johnson, I really couldn’t. Be sure to tell Carlotta that I appreciate the offer.”
“There’s eight of us girls, miss, and Carlotta said she’d pay you in advance. I got the money.”
“That’s generous, but I can’t do it. Would you like more tea?”
“I don’t-” Confused, Alice looked at her cup. She didn’t know anyone who’d ever said no to Carlotta.
“If it’s not too much trouble.” She wanted to stretch out her visit, though she knew that, and the message she’d be taking back, would make Carlotta box her ears.
“Miss Johnson-”
“You can call me Alice, Miss Conway. Everybody does.”
“Alice, then. Would you mind telling me how it was you came to work for Carlotta? You’re very young to be…on your own.”
“My daddy sold me off.”
“Sold you?”
“There was ten of us at home, and another on the way. Every time he got drunk he whipped one of us or made another. He got drunk a lot. Few months back, a man passed through and Daddy sold me for twenty dollars. I ran off as soon as I could. When I got to Lone Bluff I went to work for Carlotta. I know it ain’t right and proper, but it’s better than what I had. I get my meals and a bed to myself when I’m finished work.” She gave a quick, uncomfortable shrug. “Most of the men are all right.”
“Your father had no right to sell you, Alice.”
“Sometimes there’s right and there’s what’s done.” “If you wanted to leave Carlotta, I’m sure there would be other work for you in town. Proper work.” “Begging your pardon, Miss Conway, but that ain’t true. None of the town ladies would hire me for anything.
And they shouldn’t. Why, how would they know if I’d been with one of their husbands?”
It was sound thinking, but Sarah shook her head. “If you decide to leave, I’ll find work for you.”
Alice stared at her, wide-eyed. “That’s kind of you. I knew you were a real lady, Miss Conway, and I’m obliged. I’d better be heading back.”
“If you’d like to visit again, I’d be happy to see you,” Sarah told her as she walked her out.
“No, ma’am, that wouldn’t be proper. Thank you for the tea, Miss Conway.”
Sarah thought a great deal about Alice’s visit. That night, as she read her father’s journal by lamplight, she tried to imagine what it had been like. To be sold, she thought with an inward shudder. By her own father, like a horse or a steer. It was true that she, too, had spent years of her life without a real family, but she had always known her father loved her. What he had done, he had done with her best interests at heart. Once she would have condemned Alice’s choice out of hand. But now she thought she understood. It was all the girl knew. The cycle had begun with her father’s callousness, and the girl was caught in it, helplessly moving in the same circle, selling herself time after time because she knew nothing else.
Had it been the same for Jake? Had the cruelty he’d lived through as a child forced him into a life of restlessness and violence? The scars he carried must run deep. And the hate. Sarah looked into the soft glow of the lamp. As Lucius had said, the hate ran cold.
She should have hated him. She wanted to, she wished the strong, destructive emotion would come, filling all the cracks in her feelings, blocking out everything else. With hate, a coolheaded, sharply honed hate, she would have felt in control again. She needed badly to feel in control again. But she didn’t hate him.
She couldn’t.
Even though she knew he had spent the night with another woman, kissing another woman’s lips, touching another woman’s skin, she couldn’t hate him. But she could grieve for her loss, for the death of a beauty that had never had a chance to bloom fully.
She had come to understand what they might have had together. She had almost come to accept that they belonged together, whatever their differences, whatever the risks. He would always live by his gun and by his own set of rules, but with her, briefly, perhaps reluctantly, he had shown such kindness, such tenderness. There was a place for her in his heart. Sarah knew it. Beneath the rough-hewn exterior was a man who believed in justice, who was capable of small, endearing kindnesses. He’d allowed her to see that part of him, a part she knew he’d shared with few others.
Then why, the moment she had begun to soften toward him, to accept him for what and who he was, had he turned to another woman? A woman whose love could be bought with a handful of coins?
What did it matter? With a sigh, she closed her father’s journal and prepared for bed. She had only fooled herself into believing he could care for her. Whatever kindness Jake had shown her would always war with his lawless nature and his restless heart. She wanted a home, a man by her side and children at her feet. As long as she loved Jake, she would go on wanting and never having.
Somehow, no matter how hard it was, no matter how painful, she would stop loving him.
Jake hated himself for doing it, but he rode toward Sarah’s place, a dozen excuses forming in his head. He wanted to talk to Lucius and check on the progress in the mine. He wanted to make sure she hadn’t been bitten by a snake. He’d wanted a ride, and her place was as good as any.
They were all lies.
He just wanted to see her. He just wanted to look at her, hear her talk, smell her hair. He’d stayed away from her for two weeks, hadn’t he? He had a right… He had no rights, he told himself as he rode into the yard. He had no rights, and no business thinking about her the way he was thinking about her, wanting her the way he wanted her.
She deserved a man who could make her promises and keep them, who could give her the kind of life she’d been born to live.
He wasn’t going to touch her again. That was a promise he’d made himself when he’d ridden away from her
