“This is what people who love each other do together,” he whispered into my ear. His quiet words felt intimate to me.
I didn’t understand what he meant, exactly. In some of the pictures, the men were lying on top of the women, which reminded me of when the teenage boy had told Joey to get on top of me. I’d felt uncomfortable when Joey had done that, and I started to feel uncomfortable now. I must have started to get fidgety because Steve suddenly cuddled me more tightly and gave me another kiss on the cheek. This made the uncomfortable feelings go away and I once again felt cozy and loved up there in his lap.
“Well, I think it’s time you went to bed, young lady,” he announced suddenly.
He lifted me off his lap and walked into the bathroom. I followed him in, not sure what was coming next. I’d never had a bedtime with my mother. I just fell asleep on the couch and she’d tell me to get into bed when she was ready to go to sleep.
Steve bent over and put the plug in the bathtub and started filling it with water.
He turned to me and said, “Okay, take off your clothes.”
I felt a little embarrassed but I complied, taking each piece of clothing off as slowly as I possibly could. Even though I was only nine, I had already begun to develop breasts and I felt awkward and exposed.
Before long, I stood there totally naked. Steve smiled at me in approval. That made the awkward feeling go away.
“Okay, jump in,” he said cheerfully.
I sat down in the warm water. It felt nice. Steve took a bar of Ivory soap and started lathering up a washcloth.
“Turn around,” he said, “so I can get your back.”
I felt so cared for, so loved, as he scrubbed my back with the cloth. My mother had never washed me like this. From the time I’d been big enough to get into the bathtub she’d just let me wash myself. My back never got washed except when I’d soak a washcloth in the water and then squeeze out the water as I held the cloth over my neck, letting the water fall down my back. I was a child starved for touch.
“Now turn around so I can get your front,” Steve said nonchalantly, this time in a softer voice.
Dutifully, I complied.
“You know, you have beautiful breasts. You’re going to be a knockout when you grow up,” he whispered as he gently washed my breasts, first with the cloth, then with his fingers.
This made me feel strange. I knew something about this was wrong. He told me to get out of the bath; when I did, he started drying me off. I was used to doing things myself, and now I had a sense that I couldn’t escape him even if I wanted to. I became more and more uncomfortable. A queasy feeling rode up in my stomach.
After the bath, instead of taking me to the room where I slept with my mother, Steve walked me into the bedroom he shared with Ruby. Even though it was still daylight outside, the room was dark. The shades were drawn tight and there was a heavy feeling in air that made it seem even darker.
All of a sudden, Steve was naked. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness and what I saw before me was alien—it looked all purple and wrinkly and ugly. I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see this grotesque monster. He asked me to touch the monster, but I didn’t want to. He showed me how to push back the skin on it to expose what was underneath. When I finally touched it, however, I did the opposite of what he told me: I took the skin that looked like the skin on a chicken neck and I pulled it over his penis to cover it up—to make it go away.
Steve got impatient and showed me again. “No, like this,” he insisted.
I did it again, but my way. Now his voice became rougher and he grabbed my hand and forced me to pull back the skin and to make an up and down movement on the monster.
I knew that what was happening was wrong. It didn’t matter that Steve had said this is what people who loved each other did. It just felt wrong, bad.
I don’t remember anything after that for a while except the dark room, the sun going down, and the smell of Vaseline.
The next thing I can recall is Steve being on top of me and saying, “I’m coming, I’m coming.” I felt like I couldn’t breathe, that I was trapped under his body, and yet I also couldn’t feel my body. I was completely numb and I felt like I wasn’t really there. All I wanted was for him to hurry up and get off me.
Steve got out of bed and started putting his pants on. He told me to get up, then he threw my pajamas at me and told me to put them on. My body felt weak with shame. Now he was all sweet to me, telling me what a
