I was in therapy for five years, during which time I was able to re-parent myself, release the immense amount of anger I had stored up toward my abusers, including my mother, and begin to stop blaming myself for my own victimizations.
The sexual abuse and rape I suffered had become the pattern from which I formed my sexual identity and my choice of partners. Like many survivors of child sexual abuse, I often reenacted the abuse by choosing men who were much like my abuser. I was suffering from the “repetition compulsion,” unconsciously attempting to repeat the traumas of my past in order to create a different outcome. By focusing my anger outward and allowing myself to grieve the abuse I experienced, I was able to break this unhealthy pattern.
My relationship with my mother continued to be a difficult and complicated one, and it took many more years of therapy for me to be able to heal from her neglect, cruelty, and criticism. Over the years, I was able to learn more about her history, which not only helped me to understand her but to gain compassion for her.
For those of you who are interested, I will be publishing a second memoir that will detail my continued journey once I left Bakersfield and moved to LA. It will chronicle my unhealthy relationships with men and the steps I took to create a healthier sexual identity. It will include my struggle to complete college while working during the day, and my struggle to find my true calling. It will include my search for a competent therapist to help me, as well as descriptions of the techniques and modalities that were most healing for me. And finally, it will include the important secrets my mother eventually shared with me, secrets that not only explained why she treated me the way she did, but helped me to gain compassion for her—compassion that helped me to forgive and reconcile with her.
I want to encourage anyone who had a childhood such as mine, who suffered from neglect and/or abuse, to hold on to your dreams and to do everything you can to help yourself to heal. It may take several tries before you find the right therapist for you; it may even take several different therapists and different modalities before you can say you feel substantial healing. But keep trying; keep believing in yourself and believing that you deserve to live a life in which you are respected and treated well by others. I held on to that belief throughout my life, and it is one of the things that saved me.
Most important, work on healing your shame. Keep working until you know, deep in your heart, that you were not to blame for the neglect or abuse you suffered. You did not deserve to be treated as you were. You did not cause your abuser(s) to behave the way they did. You were an innocent child. The only person who is responsible for the abuse they perpetrate is the abuser themselves.
I welcome your feedback. You can contact me through my
websites: www.beverlyengel.com or www.healmyshame.com
or email me at: [email protected]
Acknowledgments
Writing a memoir has proven to be more difficult for me than writing non-fiction. I had to learn a whole new genre, and because of this I wish to thank my memoir “coach” Brooke Warner. I appreciate your patience as I grappled to learn all the new information and worked to incorporate it into my memoir. Thank you also for the great title idea.
I wish to thank Laura Davis, for her thoughtful and inspiring workshop on how to write a memoir. I loved the passages you read from other memoirists and particularly appreciated the exercises you assigned us.
I’m grateful to everyone at She Writes Press, especially Brooke Warner, Lauren Wise, and Krissa Lagos, who were so helpful all along the way. The process has been wonderful.
A special thank you to my friends for taking the time to read all or part of my memoir and to give me feedback. Thank you Patti, and a big thank you to Cherie Miller (a.k.a. Cherie Barnes) for reading both Book 1 and Book 2—a monumental task!
I also wish to thank you, dear reader, for coming on this very personal journey with me. I’m sharing this painful account of my childhood so that others who experienced a similar childhood don’t have to feel as alone. And more importantly, so that others can better understand themselves and forgive themselves for behaving badly because you’ve been treated badly.
About the Author
photo credit: Gina Cinardo
Beverly Engel has been a practicing psychotherapist for thirty-five years and is an internationally acclaimed advocate for victims of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. She is the author of twenty-two self-help books, including the best-selling Healing Your Emotional Self and The Right to Innocence. In addition to her professional work, Engel frequently lends her expertise to national television talk shows. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, and Starting Over, and many other TV programs. She has a blog on the Psychology Today website, regularly contributes to Psychology Today magazine, and has been featured in a number of newspapers and magazines, including O, the Oprah Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Marie Claire, The Chicago Tribune, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, The Cleveland Plain Dealer, and The Denver Post. Beverly’s books have often been honored for various awards, including being a finalist in the Books for a Better Life award for The Power of Apology. Her books have been translated into many languages, including Japanese, Spanish, Chinese, Korean, Greek, Turkish and Lithuanian.
SELECTED TITLES FROM SHE WRITES PRESS
She Writes Press is an independent publishing
company founded to serve women writers everywhere.
Visit us at www.shewritespress.com.
Don’t Call Me Mother: A Daughter’s Journey from Abandonment to Forgiveness by Linda Joy Myers. $16.95, 978-1-938314-02 -5.
