He didn’t try to press me; he just took a blanket from the closet and a pillow from the bed and set himself up on the floor.
It was a pitiful sight, and something about that, that I couldn’t stand to have him near me even when I most needed comfort, broke my heart for good. I stuffed the end of the pillow in my mouth so he didn’t hear my sobbing, but the bed shook around me. Tom rose and climbed into bed, wrapping his arms around me, and I let him. I needed comforting, and the only person there to do it was the source of my distress. I hated him for that, too, but it worked after a while.
“Lil?” he asked when I finally spat the soaked pillow from my mouth.
“Yes?”
“Have I fucked up our family for good?”
I pushed him from me and fled our room, those words chasing me, finally, away, because somehow, I hadn’t factored the children into it yet, what this could mean for them. I felt the selfishness of that, and then reasoned it away. I was in shock, I told myself, blameless. But he’d forced the thought on me, like his texts, and now all I could think of, as I stood shaking at the end of the hall, was our children and our home and our life, and how I didn’t want anything to end. How it would’ve been so much easier for me to remain in ignorance.
How could he have done this? How could he be so careless with our life, our children, our future, our family?
Why couldn’t he have died instead?
• • •
In the end, the easiest thing was for Teo to come to me. I asked him to wait until the kids were in bed, till after lights-out, and to come through the backyard, climbing over the neighbor’s fence, because there’s a man sitting in his car across the street, the firefly wink of his cigarette giving him away. I can’t tell if it’s the same man from this morning or even if he’s there for me, but I don’t feel like taking any more chances.
Teo’s punctual, his hand rapping on the patio door seconds before I start to listen for him. He’s got a dark fleece on, zipped up to his chin. The cold night air follows him in.
“I feel like a criminal,” he says, his white teeth flashing in the dimmed light.
“I feel like a zoo animal.” I indicate the bottle of red wine sitting on the counter. “You want?”
“Sure.”
I pour him some, listening to it glug into the stemless glasses I used to think it was so important to have. I’m nervous, and my hands are unsteady.
“Should we sit?”
He nods, and we go to the couches in the family room. I’m suddenly conscious of all the things I have, how this room is full of them. This couch, so comfortable and soft and six months sought after. The TV, large and flat and wall mounted. All the money in this room, all the things we wasted it on because we could, and even when we couldn’t. And this lie I carry around, all the little lies it’s spawned, it’s because of the money, too.
“How are you?” Teo asks.
“I feel strange, to be honest.”
“Strange?”
“Like I’m outside of myself. Like this one time in college when I took acid by accident and I thought I was floating around the room. Which is probably saying too much, as usual.”
“It’s fine. I wish you wouldn’t worry about that.”
“But it’s not fine. I’m so sorry I didn’t call you today or text. I should’ve checked in.”
He takes a sip of his wine and puts the glass on the table.
“You already apologized.”
“I know, but not face-to-face. A text. A text doesn’t mean anything. Ha! You see, I don’t mean that at all. A text can mean everything.”
Teo puts a hand on my arm. I cover it with my own. His fingers are still cold from outside.
“You must think I’m nuts.”
“It’s been an odd day.”
“Yes, very odd. Indeed. Good grief, we sound like characters in a Jane Austen novel.”
He smiles. “No one’s ever accused me of that before.”
“I meant so stiff and formal and thinking things all the while . . .”
“You’re going to have to help me out here.”
“I would if I could.”
I burst into tears. Teo’s grip tightens.
“Don’t,” I say. “Don’t worry, I’ll be all right in a second.”
I turn away from him, lifting my shirt up to wipe the tears away. What must he think of me? What am I thinking of myself?
“Perhaps a drink?”
“Yes. That might help.”
He hands me my wineglass, and I take a large gulp. A sort of calm spreads through me, which must be a placebo effect—no wine could work this quickly—but I’ll take it.
“I think I can control myself now.” I give Teo a tentative smile. “Thank God you don’t have your camera with you.”
He frowns.
“Or, oh . . . Did you wish you were filming me falling apart? The ice queen cracks at last?”
“Of course not. It’s . . . Why don’t you tell me everything that’s happened first.”
I don’t like the sound of the word “first,” but I fill him in on the almost break-in, the guy across the road, my day at work, the Supra Board’s decision, and the reappearance of the camera at drinks with Franny and Joshua. I speak quickly, but the note of crazy has left my voice. Teo listens, asks a few questions, sips his wine. I meet his eyes tentatively, trying to prolong I’m not sure what.
“So, in all the confusion, it didn’t occur to me to call you. Which sounds like I forgot about you . . . But I don’t want you to think that. I had a nice time last night, despite everything.”
“I did, too, but . . .”
“Yes?”
“I feel bad about saying this, especially given the day you’ve had, but I think . . .
