Suddenly, my music wasn’t about the music. It was Shoshanna’s and Julian’s giggling faces. And Eamon’s oh shit expression. It was even Roxanne and her stupid, half-shaved hipster haircut. They were all talking about me, no doubt. About how funny that video was…or how I’d freaked out.
But honestly, only one person mattered. The one who’d made it all happen. I looked at my tiny, skinny brother. “What’d Dad say when he saw it?”
Ryder shook his head.
“Tell me!”
“He said you’ve got a lot of secret anger in you. He thinks you should see my therapist.”
I squeezed my eyes and rocked a little. The whole world was burning inside. “Sometimes I hate you,” I said to my dad.
“What?” Ryder asked.
My eyes popped open, and I sighed. “I didn’t mean you, Ry.”
His face erupted in that devastated-kid way. His eyes welled up and his cheeks flashed scarlet. “Maybe I hate you too!”
I stood. “Hate me? I’m not the one who ruined your life. You ruined mine!”
“It’s just a stupid song,” he said, sounding exactly like a miniature version of our dad.
“I’m not talking about the song. I’m talking about me and Dad. Before you, we had plans.” I couldn’t believe the door I’d opened—or the fact that I was now stepping through it. “We were going to leave Mom to her poems and start a real life in New York City. Dad was going to get me real music lessons. We were looking at apartments when Mom found out she was pregnant with you. And now look at me! I can’t write a decent song, and I can’t even go to college because who will take care of you? You’ll starve or get stolen by a psycho.”
I regretted the words in a bright, silver flash.
Ryder stood frozen. I thought he’d break into pieces, but instead he puffed his chest like a tiny Tarzan. “I know how much I’m not wanted, Iris! I’m not in your club with Dad!”
He left, slamming the door behind him.
I collapsed on the bed, hands over my ears, trying to drown out my own voice screaming that damn song. In the imposed quiet, my dad started talking. What’d I say the day you bought that guitar, Jaded Iris? You’ll never be as naked as your feelings set to words. It’ll make you hate everyone who hears them.
He’d never been so right, and I didn’t want to face any of them again. Not Julian or Shoshanna. Not Eamon. I found my phone and typed a fast email.
Dad—I can’t believe you told Ryder to video me. You cold, mean, negligent asshole. I’ll never forgive you.
I shook for a minute before deleting the words. If I sent that, he’d only taunt me about being Jaded Iris. Honesty never worked with him. I blinked back my tears and wrote a new message.
Dad—When you buy your ticket here, get me one home.
I’m done with these people.
I hit send.
IRIS & RYDER Film: Elementia
Director: Cate Collins
On Location: Day 4
Aran Islands & Killykeen Forest, Ireland
Filming Notes:
No filming today.
Etc. Notes:
A.M.: Moving house to Killykeen Forest. The ferry leaves on the hour until noon. Leave nothing behind but footprints!
IN WHICH FLORENCE SAVES THE DAY...WITH MY HELP?
I planned to lock myself in the trailer until I heard back from my dad, so I could pack up, hold my head high, and leave. Ryder had gotten up in the morning and left to help Mr. Donato without saying a word. I wanted him to apologize for the video, but I think he wanted me to apologize for smashing his iPad—and for telling him he’d ruined my life. Impasse.
I slumped on the bed, listening to Florence + The Machine on repeat, full volume. Maybe I should have been peeved at Florence for inspiring the song that had swiftly ended my music career, but I couldn’t. She was too great. And boy, did she sing anger well. I got up and read the film side for the day. Nothing but moving locations.
Someone knocked on the door hard, but instead of answering, I checked my email. Nothing from Dad. Why hadn’t he responded? Did he break the router again? Sometimes when he was on deadline and couldn’t keep himself off-line, he broke the internet for the whole house. The knocking grew louder, and I peered through the shades at a burly man.
I looked down at my pajama pants and slippers. My hair was in a state of wild disaster. “Sorry, buddy. I don’t answer the door when I look like this,” I muttered.
The guy hollered something, and the ground rumbled. The whole trailer lurched, and I yelled in a panic and flung the door open to leap out.
The burly man laughed and slapped his thigh. “Told you that’d get her out, Sol!” he yelled to the driver of a huge truck that was now hooked up to my trailer.
The other trailers were gone. Only the picnic tables remained. There were no people either. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at Mr. Burly. “Where is everyone?”
“Gone,” he said. “Packed and moving on to Killykeen. We left you last because we heard you were having a tantrum in there.”
My mouth hung open. That was it, huh? I was going to be Jaded Iris, no matter what country I was in. “Don’t move,” I said, pointing a finger at him. “I’m going to get dressed and then you can haul this trap away.”
“You have two minutes.” Mr. Burly sat on the picnic table and smirked. “And I mean two. I’ve got a fifteen-year-old daughter who could challenge you in attitude, girl. And let me tell you, she doesn’t win with me.”
I slammed back into the trailer. Why did everyone act like I wasn’t mature? I was the most mature teenager I knew. I was raising my brother, wasn’t I? Speaking of, where was Ryder? It wasn’t like me to forget about him even when I was
