Just calmness and a realisation that the life I was leading in Indonesia really wasn’t normal. This new life in England defined normality. This was the sort of life most people lead. They get up, go to work, come home, relax and then go to bed. That’s it. No fuss, no drama.
Simplicity is genius, as someone much smarter than me once said.
I was very lonely that winter, but also was very happy. I missed Tess so much it was physically painful, but on the other hand I was able to see things clearly and after such a long time away from England, I was enjoying everyday life again.
For example, I was enjoying simple things like walking down the street and not being stared at (way back Yossy had warned me that that would get old quickly — I hadn’t taken much notice at the time, but she had been right) and I enjoyed simple things I had taken for granted before but had missed in the time I’d been away. Things such as the long summer evenings, for instance, contrasted with Indonesia as well as the changing of the seasons. With Indonesia being very near the equator I was used to almost exactly twelve hours of sunshine and twelve hours of darkness every single day three hundred and sixty five days of the year and totally constant (hot) weather.
I was constantly working, and so always tired, but it was all coming together, or so it seemed. I got back into the habit of watching English TV shows again, got up to speed on local and national news, got back in touch with old friends, started reading my old favourite newspapers and magazines again, and generally began to settle down.
The only real blot on the landscape was how much I missed my darling Tess. I knew it was going to be hard living without her but I didn’t realise just how hard. I truly think if it wasn’t for her I would never have returned to Indonesia and I would definitely have ended the thing known as my marriage then and there.
I would speak with Tess a couple of times a week and tell her all about what was happening in England and what her aunts, uncles and cousins were up to. She always sounded so cheerful and happy on the phone, and I thank God that throughout everything that’s happened in her life she seems so well adjusted. On the phone there was never any crying or asking me to come home or why I had to work away right now. I am blessed to have her, and I love her so much.
As for Yoss, though, well, I can’t really say I missed her at all. Sometimes back then, and even now if I’m totally honest, I used to think of how things were in the early years and I missed them. I missed the way we were and the love we had, or appeared to have, for each other back then. Then just as I would get all misty eyed and start convincing myself there was something there worth fighting for and trying to save, I’d focus on the way things really were. I remembered the unpleasantness, the fighting and, worst of all, the indifference, and I’d wonder, ‘Is it all worth it?’
I came to England in June ostensibly to work on a summer school for foreign students wanting to learn English while experiencing the country and its people, with the supposed aim of evaluating the state of the work market in order to be able to make an informed decision on whether or not the three of us should settle there.
I was under no illusions of Yossy actually wanting to be with me, rather it was probably a case of her having burnt all her other boats back in Indoland and so she now saw Blighty as a last-chance-escape-valve. Maybe I’m being a bit cynical here, but I know she had many creditors chasing her, and probably many other people besides.
I had no choice but to go back to living at home with my mum while trying to save some money for a deposit on a place of my (our?) own. I found it a bit embarrassing being back at home at my age even if it was just in the short term, but needs must, eh?
2am Sunday morning
I’d just finished an extra shift and was on my way home. Yoss sent me a text requesting I call her urgently. I replied telling her I would do so in a few minutes when I got home and that when I did she should get to the point, whatever it was, quickly and not indulge in ten minutes of waffle as was her wont.
I got home, sorted myself out and sat down with the phone. As usual I had the stopwatch going with the intention not to exceed five minutes. Pretty expensive, these transcontinental phone calls, and this, added to the fact I just wanted my bed, meant I was not really in the mood for a long talk about nonsense.
Me: Hi, Yoss. What’s up?
Her: Hi. What time is it there?
Me: Late. What’s the matter?
Her: Errrr …
Me: Just tell me.
Her: I’m not well.
Me: What’s wrong?
Her: Something wrong with my stomach.
Me: What?
Her: I don’t know.
Me: Have you been to the doctor?
Her: Yes.
Me: What did he say?
Her: He said it’s either a tumour or …
Me: Yes?
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Huh?
Her: It’s either a …
Me: Yes, I heard. Which is it?
Her: What?
Me: Which is it? Are you pregnant or is it a tumour?
Her: The doctor says I’m pregnant. That’s what he thinks.
Me: Is that possible?
Her: No!
Me: So, you have a tumour?
Her: Yes … Or I’m pregnant.
Me:
