Never forget life is a war which leads to death.
Accordingly, don’t take life for granted, but nurture your abilities; let this be your principle.
Regard Ryūichi Oana as your father, and so heed his advice.
If you lose the battle of life, you should commit suicide like your father, in order to avoid causing unhappiness to others.
It is difficult to recognise your own destiny in life. But as long as you do not rely on your family, and renounce such a desire, then you may find the way to be at peace with yourself.
You should feel pity for your mother, yet this pity should not change your will. In this way, you will make your mother happy later.
Inevitably, all three of you will inherit and share my anxiety; you all then should be aware and careful of this fact.
Your father loves you; if I didn’t love you, if I had deserted you or not cared for you, then I might have found a way to survive.Ryūnosuke Akutagawa
I put down my pen, put the letters in the envelopes and seal the envelopes. I pick up my pen again, address the envelopes, place the envelopes on the Bible, then put down my pen again, for the last time, I put down my pen.
I wipe my neck, wipe my face and dry my eyes, but my eyes are dry, my eyes are dry. I try to remember if I’ve taken the Veronal, but I can’t remember if I’ve taken the Veronal, so I reach across the desk, pick up a sachet of Veronal, open the sachet of Veronal, and I take the Veronal.
I wipe my neck again, wipe my face again, then get up from the desk again, for the last time, I get up from the desk. Unsteady on my feet, most unsteady on my feet, I step out of my study, into the corridor. Unsteady on my feet, so unsteady my feet, past the garden in the night, in the night and in its silence, I walk along the corridor, and then I stop, turn and go back, back to my study, back to my desk, and I pick up the poem, the poem for Dr Shimojima, then I put it back down, back down on my desk. I wipe my neck, wipe my face and try to remember if I’ve taken the Veronal, but I can’t remember if I’ve taken the Veronal, so I reach down to the desk, pick up a sachet of Veronal, open the sachet of Veronal, and I take the Veronal, then another sachet, open another sachet, and I take the sachet of Veronal. Then I wipe my neck again, wipe my face again, pick up the letters and the Bible, put the letters in the Bible and pick up the poem. Then I step out of my study, for the last time, I step out of my study and walk along the corridor, so unsteady on my feet, very unsteady on my feet, for the last time, I walk along the corridor, and go down the ladder stairs.
I don’t know what time it is, I have no idea what time it is, except it is summer, always summer and hot, always so hot, except it is night, always night and silent, always so silent, but I come to a room, the room of my aunt, her light still on, her light always on, and I knock on the door, knock on her door, then enter her room, I enter her room, see her on her bedding, lying on her bedding, and I hold out the poem, the poem and say, ‘I may still be sleeping when the doctor calls, so would you please give him this, when the doctor calls, saying I’m sleeping, so leave me be, please let me sleep.’
I hand her the poem, and she takes the poem, she takes the poem and then she says, she says, she says, don’t know what she says, but I smile and I smile, I smile and I say, ‘Thank you, Auntie, thank you, thank you and goodnight, Auntie, goodnight, I’m going now, Auntie, I’m going now …’
I leave her room, leave her room and go to my room, our room, our room where we sleep, my wife, my children and I, my children sleeping, hands to their faces, my wife sleeping, her face to the wall, and I see my yukata, the yukata I bought in China, folded on my futon, lying on my futon, and I put down the Bible, the Bible and the letters, and then I stagger around, taking off my clothes, and then I stumble around, putting on the yukata –
‘Did you take your usual sleeping draught,’ asks my wife, raising her head, then lying back down, closing her eyes …
‘Yes,’ I say, ‘I did. Don’t worry, I did …’
And then I take the letters from the Bible, place the letters inside my yukata, the folds of my yukata, then lie down, down on the bedding, lay my head down, down on the pillow, then open the Bible, for one last time, I open the Bible and begin to read, my eyes closing, my eyes opening, for one last time, I begin to read, and I read, Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him …
Then in the night, and in the night, now I see Him, and I see Him; not a shadow, not a spectre, but the man I love, the Christ I love …
The Yellow Christ on the Cross, on the Waiting Cross, the Patient Cross, my Christ, my Christ, at last, at last, at the very last …
As I sink and I sink, once and for
