When he closed his arms around her, Kelsey had a sense that she’d been traveling a long time and had finally made it home.
* * *
The second time their bodies joined together didn’t loosen the words stuck inside Kurt’s head any more than the first had. Being inside her while she climaxed was better than any stimulant he could imagine. He’d never tire of being with her physically, any more than he would emotionally. He’d known it before tonight. Known it in the little tastes that had only made him want more.
He loved her. Unequivocally.
More than he’d ever wanted anything, Kurt wanted to spend his life with her. And right now and for as much of the future as he could conceive, he wanted to spend it here in this house. He wanted to fill long-empty rooms with kids, and he wanted a dog for every kid. He wanted to revive the garden and make a workshop in the garage out back that William could putter about in whenever he wanted.
But he didn’t know how to tell her any of this. The words were a bridge from that life to this one, and he couldn’t assemble it. He was stuck inside himself, loving her and wanting her and not able to say it.
How could he when he’d kept so much from her? The recent stuff to start, but also the stuff that stretched back over years. She’d praised him for his skills at reviving and saving that puppy’s life. What he’d wanted to share was that doing so reminded him of losing Zara, of his not keeping her safe, of the helpless way his most favorite dog ever had looked at him as she bled out in front of him.
He couldn’t tell Kelsey that, the same way he hadn’t told her half of his DNA didn’t have to be a forever mystery. Saying those things, building that bridge, was somehow more terrifying than heading out on a trail known to be laden with IEDs. He couldn’t control the world. He’d accepted that a long time ago. But he could control himself. He could manage his ADHD with tasks, and he could maintain the same distance from the world his grandfather had long ago mastered.
Letting Kelsey in—or at least acknowledging that he’d done so—was letting in a world of unpredictability. And wanting to be ready for something and diving in were two different things.
So instead of talking, he used his body, his hands, and his mouth to draw one climax for her into a string of them, until she clung to him, sweaty and exhausted, and he found the same release inside her.
Afterward, he collapsed on the bed beside her, savoring his heightened blood flow, his body alive and awake. Their breathing slowed. Kurt heard the October winds rattling the leaves off branches and a soft, gentle sigh from the other side of his doorway. Knowing that sound and who had made it, he couldn’t help but chuckle.
He got up and headed for the door. Frankie was curling up on the floor on the other side of it. Kurt shook his head. He’d already raised the stair gate to Frankie’s room once. The dog wasn’t jumping it during the day, only at night when Kurt wasn’t quick enough to offer him use of the floor beside his bed.
Kelsey rose up on her elbow, tucking the covers under her arms. “Did he knock down his stair gate?”
“He jumped it.”
Kurt pointed to the rug at the bottom of the bed, but Frankie made for their pile of clothes, claiming them as a cozy spot, and Kurt decided to let it go.
“Are you telling me he sleeps in here? With tougher-than-nails Military Dog Handler Staff Sergeant Kurt Crawford, or however you say it.”
“You forgot the ex, and yes, recently anyway.”
“That is so freaking sweet. I love your soft side, and that you work so hard not to let it show.”
She cuddled next to him as he crawled in beside her again. He pressed his lips over her shoulder and tried to still the jumble of thoughts filling his head, as full of hope as they were doubt.
“Champagne?”
“No.” She locked her arms around his torso. “Later, please.” Her voice was thick and heavy. He knew how exhausted she had to be. He wasn’t far from it himself. “If I doze a few minutes, will you wake me?” she added. “I want to stay awake and savor all this, but now that my heartbeat’s slowing down, I don’t think I’d have the energy to run from a pack of wildebeests.”
“Then it’s a good thing wildebeests aren’t running free in St. Louis.”
She giggled and snuggled deeper against him, laying her head on his chest. Mr. Longtail joined them, seemingly having tired of eyeing the puppies with disdain and determined to fight for his choice of pillow.
“So, this is you every night, snuggling with a cat, and the world’s best dog at the foot of your bed.” Her words ended in a deep yawn.
He kissed the top of her head, savoring the feel of her long, silky hair against his skin. “I’d like to make one thing clear. I’ve never snuggled with that cat. We fight determinedly over who gets the best pillow.”
“Is that so? Well, I love you anyway.”
She was so close to sleep that he wondered if she was even paying attention to whether he would say it back. He opened his mouth, but the words stuck in his throat. Instead, he smoothed his hand along the soft skin of her back until her breathing was deep and even and her body was fully relaxed.
Here it was, the world that he wanted so impossibly
