The minute we heard the back door close, Finn groaned and rubbed his hands over his face. “This fucking sucks.”
“Sorry.” I patted his arm and then went behind the counter to make his coffee.
The divorce was only four months old and both were struggling to adjust to the new normal of different houses, custody schedules and awkward encounters. The worst part of it all was that they still loved each other. Molly was doing everything she could to get just a fraction of Finn’s forgiveness. Finn was doing everything he could to make her pay.
And as Molly’s best friend and Finn’s sister, I was caught in between, attempting to give them both equal love and support.
“Is everything set for tomorrow?” Finn propped his elbows on the counter and watched me make his latte.
“Yes. I need to do a couple of things for the breakfast menu, but then I’m all set.”
“Want to grab dinner with me tonight? I can wait around for you to finish up.”
My shoulders stiffened and I didn’t turn away from the espresso drip. “Um, I actually have plans tonight.”
“Plans? What plans?”
The surprise in his voice wasn’t a shock. In the five years since Jamie had died, I’d rarely made plans that hadn’t included him or Molly. I’d all but lost touch with the friends Jamie and I’d had from college. The only girlfriend I still talked to was Molly. And the closest I’d come to making a new friend lately had been my conversation earlier with Randall.
Finn was probably excited, thinking I was doing something social and branching out, which wasn’t entirely untrue. But my brother wasn’t going to like the plans I’d made.
“I’m going to a karate class,” I blurted and started steaming his milk. I could feel his frown on my back, and sure enough, it was still there when I delivered his finished latte.
“Poppy, no. I thought we talked about giving up this list thing.”
“We talked about it, but I don’t remember agreeing with you.”
Finn thought my desire to complete Jamie’s birthday list was unhealthy.
I thought it was necessary.
Because maybe if I finished Jamie’s list, I could find a way to let him go.
Finn huffed and dove right into our usual argument. “It could take you years to get through that list.”
“So what if it does?”
“Finishing his list isn’t going to bring him back. It’s just your way of holding on to the past. You’re never going to move on if you can’t let him go. He’s gone, Poppy.”
“I know he’s gone,” I snapped, the threat of tears burning my throat. “I’m well aware that Jamie isn’t coming back, but this is my choice. I want to finish his list and the least you can do is be supportive. Besides, you’re one to talk about moving on.”
“That’s different,” he countered.
“Is it?”
We went into a stare-down, my chest heaving as I refused to blink.
Finn broke first and slumped forward. “I’m sorry. I just want you to be happy.”
I stepped to the counter and placed my hand on top of his. “I know, but please, try and understand why I need to do this.”
He shook his head. “I don’t get it. I don’t know why you’d put yourself through all that. But you’re my sister and I love you, so I’ll try.”
“Thank you.” I squeezed his hand. “I want you to be happy too. Maybe instead of dinner with me, you should go to Molly’s? You could try and talk after the kids go to bed.”
He shook his head, a lock of his rust-colored hair falling out of place as he spoke to the countertop. “I love her. I always will, but I can’t forgive what she did. I just . . . can’t.”
I wished he’d try harder. I hated to see my brother so heartbroken. Molly too. I’d jump at the chance to get Jamie back, no matter what mistakes he might have made.
“So, karate?” Finn asked, changing subjects. He might disapprove of my choice to finish Jamie’s list, but he’d rather talk about it than his failed marriage.
“Karate. I made an appointment to try a class tonight.” It was probably a mistake, doing strenuous physical exercise the night before the grand opening, but I wanted to get it done before the restaurant opened and I got too busy—or chickened out.
“Then, I guess, tomorrow you’ll get to cross two things off the list. Opening this restaurant and going to a karate class.”
“Actually.” I held up a finger, then went to the register for my purse. I pulled out my oversized bag and rifled around until my fingers hit Jamie’s leather journal. “I’m going to cross off the restaurant one today.”
I hadn’t completed many items on Jamie’s list, but every time I did, waterworks followed. The restaurant’s opening tomorrow was going to be one of my proudest moments and I didn’t want it flooded with tears.
“Would you do it with me?” I asked.
He smiled. “You know I’ll always be here for whatever you need.”
I knew.
Finn had held me together these last five years. Without him, I don’t think I would have survived Jamie’s death.
“Okay.” I sucked in a shaky breath, then grabbed a pen from the jar by the register. Flipping to the thirtieth-birthday page, I carefully checked the little box in the upper right corner.
Jamie had given each birthday a page in the journal. He’d wanted some space to make notes about his experience or tape in pictures. He’d never get to fill in these pages, and even though I was doing his list, I couldn’t bring myself to do it either. So after I finished one of his items, I simply checked the box and ignored the lines that would always remain empty.
As expected, the moment I closed the journal, a sob escaped. Before the first tear fell, Finn had rounded the corner and pulled me into his arms.
I miss you, Jamie. I missed him so much it hurt. It wasn’t fair that he couldn’t do
