Jack helped him with his chair and sat down again.
The old man took his hand. “I think I was cross,” he said.
Jack said, “I had it coming.”
His father said, “No, no, it isn’t how I wanted things to be. I promised myself a thousand times, if you came home you would never hear a word of rebuke from me. No matter what.”
“I don’t mind. I deserve rebuke.”
The old man said, “You ought to let the Lord decide what you deserve. You think about that too much, what you deserve. I believe that is part of the problem.”
Jack smiled. “I believe you may have a point.”
“Nobody deserves anything, good or bad. It’s all grace. If you accepted that, you might be able to relax a little.”
Jack said, “Somehow I have never felt that grace was intended for me, particularly.”
His father said, “Oh nonsense! That is just nonsense!” He closed his eyes and withdrew his hand. Then he said, “I was cross again.”
Jack laughed. “Don’t worry about it. Dad.”
After a moment the old man said, “Don’t call me that.”
“Sorry.”
“I don’t like it at all. Dad. It sounds ridiculous. It’s not even a word.”
“I’ll never say it again.” Jack stretched and smiled at Glory, eyebrows raised, as if to say, Help would be appreciated.
So she said, “Would you like me to get your robe, Papa?”
“I’m fine as I am. You’d think we were living in the Klondike.” Then he said, “I came out here for a little conversation and you’ve both stopped talking.”
There was a silence. “Well,” Glory said, “I’m making chicken and dumplings. Mama’s recipe.”
He said, “That can be very good, if the dumplings aren’t wet. Heavy. I’ve had to eat some terrible dumplings in my life.” Then, his eyes still closed, he said, “I can’t look at Jack’s hands. I don’t want to know what he did to them.”
Jack cleared his throat. “It’s mostly just engine grease I haven’t scrubbed off yet. I scraped them up a little, I guess.” He folded his arms to conceal them, and he smiled.
His father looked at him, sharply. “I don’t know what happened. Something happened last night.”
“Nothing good. You really don’t want to know. No point in it. Sir.”
“So, are we going to have the sheriff coming around here?”
“No, sir,” he said. “I have done nothing that would interest the sheriff.” His voice was soft and sad.
“Papa, Jack’s all right. Everything’s all right. But he’s tired now,” Glory said. “I think we should talk about something else.”
The old man nodded. “We’re all tired now.” Then he said, “So many times, over the years, I’ve tried not to love you so much. I never got anywhere with it, but I tried. I’d say, He doesn’t care a thing about us. He needs a little money now and then, that’s the extent of it. Still, I thought you might come home for your mother’s funeral. That was a very hard time for me. It would have been a great help. Why did I think you might come home? That was foolish of me. Your mother always said, You imagine some happiness is going to come out of all this, all this waiting and hoping, but it never will. So I tried to put an end to it. But I couldn’t.”
Jack smiled and cleared his throat. “Maybe now you can. Maybe I should tell you what I was up to all those years. That might put an end to it.”
The old man shook his head. “It couldn’t be worse than what I’ve imagined. I’ve thought of every dreadful thing, Jack. Lying awake nights. But it only made me grieve for you. And for myself, since there was no comfort I could give you.”
Jack said, “Well, I wouldn’t want you to think — I mean, ‘dreadful’ is a strong word. There are worse lives than mine. I know that’s not much to be proud of. But still.”
Glory said, “We all loved him, Papa, all of us, and there were reasons why we did. Why we do.”
“Could you expand on that a little, Glory?” Jack said. “I’d be interested.”
His father said, “Well, it’s just natural. What I’d like to know is why you didn’t love us. That is what has always mystified me.”
After a moment Jack said, “I did. But there wasn’t much I could do about it. It was hard for me to be here. I could never — trust myself. Anywhere. But that made it harder to be here.”
His father nodded. “Drink,” he said.
Jack smiled. “That, too.”
“Yes, well, maybe it’s a joke, I don’t know. Last night was about as bad a night as I have passed on this earth. And I kept thinking to myself, asking the Lord, Why do I have to care so much? It seemed like a curse and an affliction to me. To love my own son. How could that be? I have wondered about it many times.”
Jack said, “I’m sorry. I couldn’t be more sorry. But at least you know why I stayed away so long. I had no right to come home. I shouldn’t be here now.”
“No right to come home!” his father said, and his voice broke. “If I’d had to die without seeing your
