Clive let go of her and stepped back. “What? You wanted to jump into bed with me so I could have my first experience? That's it?"
"No! I just wanted to give you something you would always remember."
"Of what? Of your body? Do you know how many times I've visualized making love to you? The things I want to do to you, and you to me? I have to walk away just to calm down."
"So that's why you take such long showers..."
"Lauren, I'm serious. But in all those situations, never did you ever say 'c’mon let’s get it over with’. That might not be what you said, but it is what you mean. Even in a nice way. I’ve told you a thousand times you mean so much more to me than that."
"Lackey..."
"Put a sock in it. I'm not done. I didn’t fall in love with you the first minute I saw you. You were mean, violent, and a downright bitch. I've fallen in love with you because I saw you'd changed. Grown from that."
"I have-"
"But..." Clive interrupted. "Do you even know my last name? Where I'm from? Why does the virginity matter? Why does tonight make a difference? The end of the world? Maybe. But I'd want to be with you with one night left in the world or a million. I’m not ready for sex. And believe it or not, the circumstances and who I’m with don’t change that. I’m in love with YOU! Not what I can get from you when the opportunity arises."
Clive shook his head, disappointed and angry, while Lauren regarded him, looking like she was thinking over his words. What he was telling her. He was in love with her and she’d treated his virginity as an obstacle to get over.
“I’m sorry,” she said, only just loud enough to be heard over the downpour of hail. “I didn’t know you felt that way. About me or sex. It’s not a big deal to me…the virginity. That’s all I was trying to show you. You didn’t need to feel embarrassed. I just didn’t consider it might be a big thing to you. That you weren’t ready. It’s not like I don’t feel something for you. I’m just…I dunno. I’m hesitant…”
“What about me is making you hesitant?”
“Nothing! That’s the problem. You are the easiest guy to be around. You’re a nerd and I don’t care. You play games with headsets and scream the way most guys do at the footy, and I still don’t care.”
“So, if you feel that way, what’s the problem?”
“Because good things don’t happen to me, ok? I’ve walked away from relationships before because it felt too right. Too easy. I never dated nice guys. I could never handle them. Arseholes are easier. I knew what I was getting. I’m a screw up. I’m the chick that fucked women. Married men. Multiple men. Brothers, even, at the same time. The chick that threw drinks in people’s faces just for bumping into me on the dance floor. That’s me. It’s who I am, or who I was. Now, I think about you, and I have this fear that one day you’ll get a good look at me and you’ll stop feeling the way you do. I’ve never been sorry for anything I’ve done until now. I always blamed my behavior on my lack of a father. He took off before I was born, but I always waited for him to come and sweep me off my feet and save me. I treated my step dad like shit and it wasn’t really his fault. I used the fact my real dad didn’t care about me to behave like a brat my whole life. But daddy issues was a cop out. No one else was responsible for my actions. Now, I have no excuses. Dante has tried to help me and I have tried to listen. It scares me that I’m so calm around you. That this, whatever it is, is so easy. It scares me that alarm bells aren’t ringing.”
“Why do you have to look for reasons to be wrong?”
“I don’t want to break your heart.”
“So don’t.”
“I didn’t even know that sex was such a big deal for you. Not exactly a great start.”
“It’s just, it doesn’t feel right. Not like this.”
“Ok.” Lauren nodded. “No sex.” She took him by the hand and walked a few paces backwards. “You go slow with the L word stuff, and I’ll go slow with the sex stuff. Come with me.”
He followed her, still joined at the hands, as she headed to the bathroom. Clive remained silent until Lauren let him go to turn the shower on with both hands.
“What’s going on?”
“We are having a shower…”
Clive looked determined. “I meant what I said. I’m not ready for sex.”
“I know,” she said, removing her top. “I didn’t say sex. I said shower…please?”
She tenderly brushed his cheek and turned around to strip completely. At first Clive meant to look away, but the fact she wanted him in there, with her, gave him the green light to look. Her toned body shone under the lights, and now that she was completely naked and stepping into the glass containment, he knew what it was like to be frozen in place. She was exquisite. Nothing was perfect so they said, but in his eyes, Lauren was close to it. Not in body, or in mind, but the complete package. Yes, she was rude. Cold at times. But she had been through hell and was trying to learn to be better. She hadn’t meant to hurt or insult him. She just didn’t realize. He wouldn’t be deterred, as he still felt sex with her would be rushed
