I decided that this act would be put up on the day of Holi. There couldn’t be a better day for this initiation. Holi is a day of drinking and getting people drunk. It is permissible to get drunk on that day. If Holi can be a holy day then so can there be holy thieving and holy bribing.
Holi finally arrived, after what seemed like a very long wait. I started preparing for my initiation. I invited several friends over. I ordered whiskey and champagne from Kelner’s shop and packed the whole place with lemonade, soda, ice, gajak, scented tobacco, and so on. The room wasn’t very large. I had to remove some cupboards full of law books and spread out a mat on the floor. Having done all that, I started waiting for my guests, just like birds spread their wings and call out to the bird catchers.
My friends started trickling in one by one. By nine o’clock all of them had arrived. Among them, there were those who were very easily overwhelmed by spirits while others could be said to be the followers of Sage Kumbhaj, absorbing the entire ocean of alcohol and polishing off one bottle after another without the slightest reddening of the eyes. I brought the bottles, glasses and plates decorated with gajak and placed these in front of them.
One gentleman said, ‘Yaar, there is no fun without ice and soda.’
I replied, ‘Oh I forgot to bring them here. I’ll just get them.’
‘So, then let’s say Bismilla!’
‘Who will be the cupbearer?’ asked a second gentleman.
I offered, ‘Let this privilege be mine.’
I started pouring the drinks and my friends started drinking. The marketplace of chatter started warming up; the banter of bawdy jokes started blowing like a storm; but no one asked me to drink. I felt like an utter fool! Maybe they were diffident about asking me. But no one asked me even in jest, as if I were a Vaishnav. How do I give them a hint? After much deliberation, I told them, ‘I have never had a drink.’
One friend: ‘Why not? You will have to answer for this in heaven.’
Second: ‘Tell us, tell us, what will you say? Let me ask you on His behalf—why have you never drunk?’
I: ‘Well, my disposition . . . never felt the need.’
Second: ‘This is no answer; did you bribe your way through your law exams?’
Third: ‘Please answer. Give an answer, quick, what do you take God for, a nobody?’
Second: ‘Do you have any objection, on religious grounds, to drinking?’
I: ‘Maybe!’
Third: ‘Wah the Great one! You are indeed a great soul! Let me see your tail.’
I: ‘Why, do great men have tails?’
Fourth: ‘Of course, some have one as long as a hand, others as long as two hands. Where are you, man? It is very hard to come across a saintly person. We are all sinners.’
Third: ‘Saint lawyer, saint prostitute, oh-ho!’
Second: ‘You can’t have objections on religious grounds. Being a lawyer means being devoid of religious thinking.’
I: ‘Bhai, it does not suit me.’
Third: ‘Yes, we have got him, we have got the miser. I shall make sure it suits you.’
Second: ‘Why, has a doctor prescribed against it?’
I: ‘No!’
Third: ‘Wah! Wah! You have become your own doctor, the nectar does not suit you? At least try it once, O great one!’
Second: ‘I am amazed to hear this from you. Bhaiji, this is medicine, the ultimate drug, the elixir of life. I hope you aren’t one of those who took the vows of temperance in their youth.’
I: ‘What if I have?’
Third: ‘Then you are a fool, an utter fool.’
Fourth: ‘The drinks are about to flow, we sit before your eyes/
Do not steal your glances from us, dear saqi, we are here too.’
Second: ‘We all swore by the Temperance Movement, but when that “we” no longer exists, how can that vow remain? Those vows have gone away with the days of our youth.’
I: ‘After all, what is to be gained from this?’
Second: ‘One can only know that after drinking. Drink a glass. If you don’t gain anything, then don’t drink any more.’
Third: ‘We have got him, now we will make the miser drink.’
Fourth: ‘With my injured heart, I drink night and day/
And even while asleep, endlessly I take your name.’
First: ‘You fellows won’t succeed, only I know how to make him drink.’
This gentleman was well-built and healthy. He pressed my throat tightly and forced the drink into my mouth. My vow was broken, I was initiated at last. My heart’s desire was met, yet with feigned anger I said, ‘You want to drag me down along with you.’
Second: ‘Congratulations! Congratulations!’
Third: ‘Congratulations a hundred times!’3
A newly initiated person is very righteous. Relieved from the day’s debates and arguments when I sat by myself or with a couple of friends in the evening and guzzled the pegs, I felt ecstatic. I slept very well at night but in the morning, every inch of my body ached. I yawned, my mind weakened, and I wanted to keep on lying and lazing away in bed. My friends suggested that a good way to get rid of a hangover was to consume a peg or two in the morning as well. I took this to heart. Earlier, at dusk,
