For years she had been quietly angry at her father and sisters, trying not to blame them for her predicament. She’d convinced herself that they needed her, that they couldn’t survive without her. But in truth, they survived more than capably, and Providence was their supplier, not her.
And then, when she came to Aleron and grew closer to Edward, Serena had wondered at fate. But it was not fate or Papa’s doing that brought her here. God was the director of paths and designer of futures. He must have a hand in it, and therefore, He must have an answer. Edward’s family believed she had the power to save him and bring healing, but only God provided the healing and answers.
Serena needed to stop trying to help Edward herself, and instead get on her knees and ask for help; open the Bible more and seek his Word. She exhaled a deep breath of decision and turned to head back to do exactly that.
As she lifted her eyes to the trees that lined the beach, she stopped in her tracks. Edward stood in the shadows of a mighty gum, watching. Only pausing momentarily, Serena straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin, determined to be cheerful.
‘Edward.’ She stretched out both hands to him in an open greeting. ‘What brings you here?’
He did not respond, but continued to look at her, face sullen and listless.
Awkward, she rubbed her hands against her thighs and turned a full circle to take in the view once more. The wind made the leaves rustle and hiss as it blew them about. ‘The cold air is invigorating, don’t you agree?’
His chest rose and fell as a deep sigh escaped him. ‘Perhaps I shall go for a swim.’
Serena feigned a titter, although his demeanour was not in the least funny. ‘No, Edward. It’s far too cold in the water. You’ll catch your death.’
‘As if you care.’ The flat statement hit her as though he had slapped her, and his eyes narrowed.
‘Of—of course I care. Why else should I advise you against swimming?’
His eyes narrowed even further. ‘Humph.’ He brushed past her and headed for the water.
‘No, Edward. Please.’ She ran after him, her heart a lump in her throat.
‘Why?’ He spun around, eyes flashing. ‘Why not, Serena?’
‘Like I said, it’s too cold.’ The words stammered from her lips. He was frightening her now. ‘And you are fully clothed. The cold and water will weigh you down. You’ll drown.’
‘So?’ He glared at her. ‘Wouldn’t that be better for everyone?’ He continued toward the water’s edge.
‘No! Stop!’ She lunged at him and grabbed his sleeve to hold him back. ‘It would not be better.’
‘Yes, it would.’ Edward swivelled and gripped her by the shoulders. Gripped her hard enough she winced. She could feel where each of his fingers dug into her skin. ‘I’m cursed! Don’t you see it, Serena? I’m cursed.’
‘You are not cursed, Edward. You think you are, but you’re not.’ God in heaven, how could she make him see?
His lip curled in disgust and he hissed. ‘No, that’s right. It’s not a curse. It’s a sickness. Edward is a lunatic. An unhinged madman. That’s how you all consider me, isn’t it?’ He thrust her away from him and she stumbled, almost falling to the sand.
‘No! Edward. Please.’ Sobs came up from deep within, choking her with grief.
‘I’ll never be good enough for you. Poor Eddie. He’s queer in the attic. That’s all you’ll ever see.’
‘No.’ Serena shook her head, crying. ‘We love you.’
‘We love you.’ He mimicked, his eyes glazed, mouth twisted in mockery. ‘To hell with all of you!’
His roar shook her to the core, and she trembled as he backed away, his eyes wild with rage, arms flinging out.
‘I’m sick to death of your coddling and false compassion. Leave me alone. Get out of my house. I never want to see you again.’
Sobbing, shaking, terrified of what Edward was becoming, Serena was unable to move. Please, God, help me.
‘Go!’
If she obeyed, if she walked away, what would he do? Would he try to drown himself? There was no way to know. He was out of his mind.
‘Go!’
His screams were only increasing in intensity. His torment felt like a knife in her stomach. How he suffered. God please look after Edward. Keep him safe. He is in your hands now.
Slowly, Serena turned around and walked off the sand into the trees, where she lifted her skirts and ran. Ran from Edward. Ran for help. Ran until she no longer heard his wild yelling behind her. She ran until she could no longer breathe, exertion mixed with grief choking her at every step, the taste of salty tears on her tongue. Until she was beyond the gates of Aleron and safely on her way home.
27
Wednesday, 8th June, 1842
There is no reason to go on. I drove her away. Once I started, I could not stop myself. It is as if I have become another man. Not even that. A beast.
Xavier found me asleep on the sand. A few brief moments of respite from this eternal torture. A torment which only increased once I realised what I had done.
I’ve ruined everything.
Judith, Xavier, Simon, all look at me with such dull eyes. They must hate me. I have disappointed them again. More than ever this time.
I am worthless.
There is no point to my existence in this world.
All I do is hurt people.
And disappoint them.
And burden them.
They would be better off without me. Without my curse.
28
‘Thank goodness you came so quickly.’ Julianne threw open the door to greet Serena with wide eyes.
Puzzled, Serena arched a brow. ‘You were expecting me?’
‘We sent for you.’ A small frown creased her forehead. ‘Only an hour or so ago.’
Awareness of the worry in her sister’s eyes struck her with
