The sound of pounding feet and the door being flung open will alarm you. Strong hands gripping your arms and dragging you out from underneath the bed. You will scream and flail, trying to escape their brutality as you bite and hit until they strap your wrists to the bed rails and cover your body with a net that presses you back firmly into the mattress like a swaddled baby. You will feel the sharp press of the needle piercing your skin.
Slowly, the familiar siren song of sleep will arrive. Their voices surrounding you as you sink back into yourself, back to the empty basement of dreams where a mother weeps for her child. You will close your eyes, wondering who they are.
Spring
A voice wakes me from my stupor on the floor next to the toilet.
“Grace.” The knocking comes again. “Grace, are you okay?”
I will myself off the floor of the bathroom and stagger over to the sink to rinse out my mouth. “Be right out.”
I examine myself in the mirror. Who will I become? I feel as though I am rotting from the inside out. A shell of a human being, the decay unperceivable until touched, and then I will disintegrate right on the spot.
Placing my palm over the reflection of my face, I suddenly long for my father. I desperately want the life he promised me when I was still that little girl and believed everything he said. I want oceans and pizza and playgrounds and snow and ice cream. You will live and die each day only to be reborn to repeat the cycle all over again. You will—
I smash my fist into the mirror. A spiderweb of splintered glass erupts.
The doorknob jiggles wildly. “GRACE! Come out right now or I’m gonna break down this door!”
I open the door.
Stephanie’s face, marbled with worry, meets mine.
“I’m okay.”
Stephanie steps back and then checks me over from head to toe, studying my body and face for clues.
“I’m sorry about the mirror. I’ll pay for it,” I say, and try to move past her.
She grabs my arms. “You scared the shit out of me. What is going on, Grace?”
“Nothing,” I say.
“Smashing a mirror is not nothing,” Stephanie insists.
“I’m going to be late for work. Just leave it, okay? I’m fine, Stephanie.” Irritation husks my voice.
Stephanie squints at me, steps back, and gives me a thorough exam. She licks her lips as though she is about to lay into me, but instead she sighs and turns. “I’ll pack your dinner to go.”
I glance back at the broken mirror and then follow her to the counter.
Stephanie quickly boxes up my cold, untouched dinner and puts it in a bag. She holds it out and I reach over to take it from her.
“You have to eat all of it, you hear me?” Stephanie says.
I nod, but I can’t meet her eyes.
“Gracie,” she says, and waits for me to look up. “You know I am here for you, honey. If you need someone to talk to, I can help you with that. You can’t do this by yourself. You are not alone. Please, let me help you through this.”
I see the concern in her eyes and remember all those dinners when she would laugh with me and Dad. Shaking her head at his bad jokes. Without thinking, I reach out and grip her forearm. “Thank you for everything, Stephanie. You’ve been a real friend, and I am never going to forget that.”
Stephanie squirms for a second in embarrassment. “Yeah, well, just don’t forget to come pay your tab plus one broken mirror at the end of the month.”
I refuse to make empty promises, so I smile instead.
She pours a new hot coffee into a paper cup and seals on the lid before handing it over to me.
I hoist my backpack onto one shoulder and with coffee and dinner in hand, I turn slightly to push open the door with my shoulder. Behind me the diner is warm with heat and food, chatter and clanking dishes. Stephanie stands in her place, watching me, then waves before turning to another customer, pulling out her pen and pad. My heart aches when I think about Stephanie finding out what will happen to me. But these are things I cannot control, and Stephanie’s pain is another drop in a pool teeming with heartache.
• • •
Outside, I stare up at the Genentium sign but head toward my car. I cannot wait any longer. I had thought having made my choice would have kept the train at bay for a little longer, but after the incident in the bathroom, I know I have to act now.
Across the street, Will stands and waves his arms high in the air as though flagging down an ambulance. When I don’t cross over to him but keep heading down the sidewalk toward the parking lot, he dashes across the street.
“Hey, didn’t you see me?”
“How could I miss you?” I ask. “I’m not feeling so hot, so I’m just gonna head home.”
“No, you can’t!” Will says, and reaches for my elbow, making the coffee slosh out of the small hole in the container and burning my hand.
“Oww, Jesus!”
“No, it’s Will.” He points to himself.
“Oh my God, you are maddening,” I say, but can’t help smiling. I continue walking toward the parking lot. Will keeps in step next to me.
“Are you following me?”
“Yes, I am,” Will says, as though it is the most normal thing in the world.
“I told you I’m going home.” The annoyance makes my voice high.
“But I want to show you something.”
“Now?” I show him my box of dinner. “Can’t it wait until tomorrow?”
“Come on. You can leave that in your car. It’ll take one second, and you are going to be blown away. I promise.”
I consider the bottle in my lab coat. The weight of it pulling gently on the pocket. The insurance makes me bold with my time. I still have tonight. “Okay.”
He smiles broadly and jabs his
