My words sound horribly clichéd, I know. But maybe it’s what he needs to hear.
He smiles wistfully. ‘You know, sometimes I think I’d like to be able to give my love to one woman for life, instead of trying to convince myself that casual relationships are better.’
I nod and his eyes burn into mine, as if he’s desperate to make me understand.
‘So why can’t you?’ There’s a note of desperation in my tone. ‘Love one woman, I mean.’
He shrugs. ‘Can’t take the risk. Not just for me, but for …’ He swallows and looks away. ‘For that person. I feel like I’m jinxed. And maybe I’m opting out of life, but I can’t face another devastating loss, so it’s easier to keep my love life simple.’
My head swims as I absorb his words. Finally, I croak a reply.
‘But I really think you’re wrong.’
‘I’m not.’ His tone is weary, but also resolute. This is a man who has made up his mind and will not be influenced by anyone …
‘Still, there’s nothing wrong with casual relationships, is there?’ he says, with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
‘I suppose not.’ I swallow, not much liking the waters we’re sailing into. ‘Speaking of casual relationships, are you and Olivia … ?’
He shakes his head.
‘God, sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.’ I don’t know why I did. It just came out!
‘No, it’s fine. I’m not saying I’m not tempted.’ He smiles.
I try to smile back, to show I’m okay with the idea of him fancying Olivia. I wish I’d never started this conversation.
‘Olivia’s beautiful, yes, but she’s far too earnest about the wrong things,’ he says. ‘I like a woman with a sense of fun, who doesn’t take herself too seriously.’
A feeling of relief floods through me at his reply. I’d felt sure there must be something going on between them. Of course, it doesn’t mean he won’t give in to Olivia’s flirting at some point in the future. She doesn’t seem the type to give up on a man at the first hurdle. But I’d really rather not think about that …
I want to ask him why he keeps on holding me at arm’s length. I’m not earnest about the wrong things, am I? And he does laugh at my jokes. So what is it that’s putting him off me? If all he wants is a casual fling, then I think I’d be all right with that …
I try again. ‘You’ve been unlucky so far in life but that doesn’t mean you’re an unlucky person. Perhaps your fortunes are about to change.’ My words sound desperate even to me, but something makes me plough on. ‘I think … I really think you should consider taking another chance on love. You owe it to yourself to be happy.’
I stare down at my hands, my heart beating uncomfortably fast.
After a taut silence, I look up at him. He’s just staring into space.
Then he turns. ‘I’m not unhappy. I’ve got a good life. But after what I’ve been through, it’s just not worth the risk. The utter devastation you feel when what you loved slips away from you. All over again.’
He brushes a gentle finger over my cheek. ‘And nothing you can say – lovely, funny, gorgeous Twilight – will ever change my mind.’
*****
I sit there by the tree for a while after Theo has left, thinking about the love he lost, and finally facing up to the terrible truth.
I’ve fallen hard for Theo Steel.
And in light of what he’s just told me – that he’s made up his mind to live a single life – it’s the worst thing that could have happened. It’s meant to be beautiful when you fall in love, but this … this is just devastating.
My limbs feel like lead and my head is all over the place.
I’m trying to summon the energy to get up and run on, when my mobile rings.
As I fumble in my pocket, it flashes through my mind that it might be Theo, phoning to say he’s changed his mind about being a lone wolf …
But of course it isn’t Theo.
It’s Mum and when I say hello, she immediately launches into a panicky speech that at first I can’t quite make sense of. Except that it’s about Dad and I know it’s not good.
‘Mum, slow down. What’s happened?’ My heart is in my mouth.
Just don’t let him be—
‘Oh, love.’ Mum’s voice sounds high-pitched and far away.
A cold hand grips my insides and squeezes.
‘Yes?’ I stop breathing.
‘He’s gone down with pneumonia. The doctor’s worried he might not even survive the night. Can you come straight away?’
Chapter 33
Somehow I make it to the hospital. And when I walk into Dad’s room, he’s just lying there with tubes coming out of him and so much machinery keeping him alive, it’s completely overwhelming.
Mum gets up from his bedside, looking grey and worn out, and we fall into each other’s arms, sobbing. I glance anxiously at Dad, suddenly wondering if he can hear us.
‘Any change?’ I ask.
Mum shakes her head. ‘Apparently the next twenty-four hours are critical. If he survives, the prognosis is good, but …’
I swallow hard and we leave the ‘but’ hanging in the air.
‘So …’ She attempts a bright smile. ‘How was your journey, love?’
‘Oh, fine. Well, horrible, but …’ I shrug. No need to tell her I sobbed the whole way, my face turned to the window, curled in a seat at the back of the compartment.
‘Have you eaten?’
I shake my head. ‘I couldn’t. However tempting rail food might be.’
This raises a small smile, although I’ve never seen Mum look so old. I can’t imagine what it’s been like for her this past year, looking after Dad and worrying constantly, and having no one to look after her … and now this.
‘Why don’t you go back to the house, now that I’m here?’ I suggest. ‘Get a few hours’ sleep?’
Even as I’m saying it, I know it’s a stupid thing to say. Of course she wants to stay, however exhausted she is. The next twenty-four hours are critical
