“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have, I was wrongto—” ”
“You weren’t wrong. I want this, and—youwant it, too.” That discovery had sent my heart soaring justmoments before, but now my heart wrenched inside me. It was ourfirst kiss. It didn’t have to be so complicated. It had been themost beautiful thing I’d experienced.
“It doesn’t matter what we want. This isn’tallowed.” He moved his hands back and forth between us. “If anyonefound out, we’d lose our jobs.” He tilted his head to the side. “Ican’t take this away from you, Christy. You’re too good at this jobto throw it all away—everything you could do in this world—just forme.”
I knew he was right, but I shook my head.“It’s not fair. We shouldn’t have to choose.” My heart pounded, butall the beauty from earlier had left the beat.
“I know. But we do. And the truth is, wecan’t think only of ourselves. You are an incredible spy.” He puthis hand under my chin, his thumb sliding over my bottom lip. “AndI refuse to take that from you.”
I wanted to say something, anything to keephim there, to convince him that it would be all right, but no wordscame.
“I’m sorry,” he said, finally breaking thesilence. “I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting. I guess I’ve beenkind of a jerk.”
I laughed softly. “I thought you weredoubting me. I thought you had lost faith in me.”
“Never,” he whispered, shaking his head.“You have been doing an amazing job—every break we’ve had in thiscase has been because of you. I just… I hate watching you putyourself in danger every day. I can’t bear the thought of losingyou. It’s wrong, but I can’t help how I feel about you, Christy. Itmakes me kind of crazy sometimes.” He turned to go, but I grabbedhis hand and pulled him back.
“If we can’t be together, and this is ourlast moment like this one, then kiss me, one last time.” Hecouldn’t refuse me, could he?
The moment stretched on between us until hebent down and brushed his tender lips along my jaw, ending withthem on my lips. It was a soft, succulent kiss that buckled myknees and left me paralyzed long after he had left me there anddrove away.
I put my fingers to my lips, swearing neverto forget what it had felt like to have his lips on mine andwishing things were different. I made my way into the house andwent to get ready for some car lifting, my heart aching and yetfull at the same time.
Chapter 23
The next day, when I should have beenplanning and preparing for my dinner with Viktor’s uncle, I found Icouldn’t concentrate on anything but Jeremy. I had pushed away anyfeelings I had for him for so long—telling myself that I admiredhim only as a spy and cared for him only as a friend. I’d toldmyself I only wanted his approval as my mission leader. But whenhis lips had met mine, it was as though every lie I’d told myselfmelted away, and what was left was the searing truth that I wasfalling in love with him. And he cared for me, too—not just as ahandler or as a mission leader, but as a man cares for a woman.Knowing that, and knowing it was impossible, set my heartaching.
My thoughts were awhirl, and I knew I had todo something. I needed to prepare for the challenges I’d be facingthat evening, but I could barely even focus on putting one foot infront of the other. Jeremy had told the truth—what we had to offerthe world was so much more important than anything we might wantfor ourselves. It wasn’t fair, and it didn’t feel good, but it wastrue. I needed to focus my mind on the mission. When I searched myheart, I knew just what to do.
I found a church nearby and attended theservice in hopes of finding inspiration and peace. And notsurprisingly, I did. I felt centered and ready to tackle the dinnerand whatever followed with a renewed vigor and desire to set thingsright. As I left the building, I thought I saw Jeremy out of thecorner of my eye. When I turned to look more intently, there was noone.
I’d packed a lunch in my car, and after theservice drove to Central Park for a picnic. The air was cold andcrisp, but the sun was out again today and had melted all the snowexcept what was in the shadiest parts of the city. The groundsquished under my feet. I would go over my plan in my mind againwith my new focused energy.
As questions arose in my mind about thebratva, stealing cars, or container ships, I looked them up on myphone. It surprised me to learn about the massive ships and howefficient they were when loaded and unloaded. And it surprised meto discover how well-balanced they had to be. The cargo master, theman who mapped out where all the different containers would go onthe ship, had to be a great organizer because he had to think aboutso many different things while mapping. Putting 15,000 containersin just the right spot would be a difficult task. I stayed thereuntil I absolutely had to get back and get ready.
I emerged from my room with a dress and ajacket with boots. I put some extra bobby pins in my hair andwished I could slip a few weapons in my boots and under my clothes,but knew it was too big of a risk. I attached a tracker, cleverlydisguised as a mole, to my upper arm then sat in the living room towait for Viktor to arrive.
Jeremy came into the room while I sat there.“I wanted to touch base with you before you go.”
“Okay.” My stomach fluttered.
He sat down near me, but not too close. “Iknow you know this, but I wanted to make sure it was said out loudso that we’re on the same page.”
Heat spread up my neck. This didn’t soundgood.
“We can’t let on that there are feelingsbetween us. There is nothing that splits up a crew faster
