I still had a good half hour before I needed to be on my way to the Louvre when someone knocked on the door. I carefully made it to the door without making a sound. The person on my doorstep knocked again and said, “It’s me.” Jeremy. A familiar zing zipped through me and hope and longing filled me. I wondered if I’d ever lose that feeling. I had to. I had to learn how I could be with him and yet not with him every day. I wondered if maybe it would have been better had I been given a new handler. That thought sent a terrible shiver through my body. I couldn’t imagine not working with him ever again. I held onto the doorknob, frozen.
“Open up. I’ve got breakfast.” I loved hearing him speak French. I took a deep breath and opened the door. He held up two bakery bags. My hero.
“Get in here,” I said. “I’m starving.” I pretended a casualness I didn’t feel. I wished I hadn’t had those thoughts only moments before because now they made me feel awkward and unsure. He walked in, and I shut and locked the door.
He cleared his throat. “Thought I’d come by to wish you luck.” He seemed a bit stiff.
I wanted to hear that he had come because he wanted to spend some time with me. That it had been too long. That he wanted to put his lips on mine. But, it wasn’t to be. It couldn’t be. We’d agreed. But seeing him made all my resolve to keep him in the friend zone, crumble. I couldn’t live without him. The last four months had been torture. I needed to tell him how I felt. I had to be with him. If it meant not being a spy, then so be it.
We stood, staring at each other, the painful, awkward moment playing out. He cleared his throat again. “I wondered if maybe I’d catch you in bed, you seemed worn out last night.”
“Well, you know me, sleeping in is usually not my thing.”
“How about you finish doing what you were doing, and I’ll set us up on the back balcony.”
“Actually, I’m ready, so I’ll help you.” I started to move at the same time he did and we bumped into each other and jerked apart. “Oh, sorry.”
He took hold of my elbow and looked me in the eyes. “It’s okay.” He was talking about more than the incidental touching. He motioned for me to go first. I did. I’d have to find the perfect time to tell him, when things weren’t so weird. We collected dishes from the kitchen and brought them to the balcony. He started to unload the bags. “What disguise are you going to use?”
“I’m wearing a silicone mask and a wig.”
“Good. I don’t want Kamal to have a chance at ID-ing you.”
“Yeah. I will probably sweat to death when it’s on, but I can’t risk it.” I headed back to the kitchen for water and orange juice as well as yogurt. I tried everything to stop the hard, bruising pounding of my heart against my ribs, but nothing worked. When I returned, I found fresh croissants and pain au chocolat on the table. He knew just what I liked. The first little while sitting out there was incredibly awkward. The silence, the stolen glances.
After way too long, he was the first to break the silence. “You’re going to be safe, right?”
“Of course. You’re here now.”
“I’ll be there every second making sure of it.”
I smiled. “And Summer will be there, for what that’s worth.” He looked everywhere but in my eyes. Why wouldn’t he look me in the eye?
“I checked into her. She’s considered one of the rising stars in shadowing. I’m actually glad she’s here. Another pair of eyes is always beneficial.”
I sighed. “This is crazy. I hate how—”
Jeremy’s alarm sounded. “Oh, it’s time to go. That went fast.” He stood up, cleared away the dishes and took them inside before I could protest. I shuffled behind him, desperately wanting to finish what I was going to say, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to be around him anymore. I knew what I wanted, but he didn’t seem to want the same thing. Everything had changed. I’d lost him for good. It wasn’t right.
I stood close behind him while he put the dishes into the sink, my mind full of indecision. When he turned around, he bumped into me, his arms shooting out to steady me, pulling me into an embrace and his eyes meeting mine. I thought I saw longing there and then it was gone. I squeezed him tight, enjoying how well we fit together and drawing on his intoxicating male scent.
“Whoops,” he said, pulling back and sliding past me. That was all the answer I needed. We were now business colleagues, nothing more. I pulled hard for a breath, but nothing came for several seconds.
“Grab your go bag. We’ll go out together.” He was already waiting for me by the front door.
I snagged the bag from my bed and plastered on a smile. “Guess this is it.” I walked toward him.
“I wish for you every ounce of luck you may need and want. And remember, nothing is worth losing you.”
Those were almost the exact words he spoken to me right before he’d kissed me that first, knee-buckling time in New York. I sucked in a breath. Did he know it? Our hands brushed again as both reached for the doorknob to shut the door. Tingles fired through me.
“Remember. I’m here now, making
