Paper Sons: A Memoir

and it’s tough for me too, you have so much bad memory, I have nothing in my mind, my mind is blank, I don’t have anything which I can recall, I don’t know, where, I don’t know, when, I know something did happen, because I trust my children, you never lie to me, so I know I had did something wrong which I still can’t recall.

 

Dad

*  *  *  *  *  *

 

 

 

Dickson,

 

I think all the alcohol has killed his brain cells!

 

Cindy

 

erasure

Xxx? X xxxx xx xxxx!

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Gained xxx xxxxx, xxx lost xxx xxxxx!

 

Xxx xxx xxxxx xxx xxxxx, xxxxxxxxxx xxx xxxx, xxxxxxxxxx xxxx xx xxx xxxxx. Xxx xxx xxxxxxxxxxxx xxxx Xxx xxxxxxx xxxxxx. Xx xxxxx X xxx xxx xxxxxxx, xxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxx xxxx X xxxx xxxx, X xxxx X xxx xx xxx xxxx xxxxx xxxx. X xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxxxxxxx, xxx X xxxx xxxx xxxxxxx. Xxxxx xx xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx, xx xxxx x xxx xx xxxxx xxx xxx xxxxxxx, xx xxx xx xxx xxx xxxxx, xxx X xxxxx xxx xxxxxx xx XX xxxx xxxxx xxxxx. X xxxxx xx xxxx xxxxx xxxx xxx xxxx xxxxx xx xxxxx xx xxxx xxxx xxxxx, xxxxx X xxxxxx. X xxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxx xx xxxx. X xxxxx xx Xxx xxxxx xxxx xx xxxx xx xxxxxx, xx xxxx xxxxxxx xxx xxxxxx xxxx xx xxxxxxxx. Xxx X xxxxx xxxx xxxxxxx?!!!

 

Xxx, xxxxxxxxxx xx xxxxx, X xxxx xx xxxx xxxxx xxxx X retire ; X xxxx xx xxxx xxx my future.

 

Xxx’x xxxxx xx, xxxx xxxxxxx!

 

Xxx X xxxx xx xxx xxxxxxxxx, xx xxx xx xxx xxx xxxxx xx, xxxxx xx xxxxxxxx xxxxx xxxxx, xxxxx xxx, xxxx xx xx xxxx. Xxxxxx xxx’x xxx xxxx xx xxxx xxxx, xx xx xxx xxx xxxxxx.

 

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Xx, xxxxxx xx xxx xxxxxx, xxx, xxxxxxx xx xxx xxxxxx, xxx xx solve xxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx, xxx xx xxxx xxx xxxx, xx xxx xxxx xxxxxxxxxx.

 

Xxx

 

return

Our school year began two weeks before the students arrived, with staff development days to reflect on the prior year, what had to be changed. A mural had been painted of Javon in front of the school. Next to his face was an angel, wings, and a crown above a cloud.

It was after lunch, and we were meeting in a classroom, the student desks arranged in a circle. Leading the session was Toni Gill. She’d refer to other staff as Brotha and Sista, as in Brotha Lam. Her son also attended the school, and some students would call her Mama Gill. Toni was facilitating a discussion on ways to prevent sexual harassment among students. I tried to ignore her as best I could without looking obvious. This was just a few days after Ga Jeh had revealed her true feelings to me about our father, how it gave her suicidal thoughts.

Now when I thought of my father, all I could think about was the image of him in my sister’s room. “He used to touch me,” my sister had said. I asked nothing about the details, what exactly happened. Like Ga Jeh, I also wanted to keep my eyes closed. But my mind ran wild with the possibilities. They’d play out in my head, and I couldn’t say, “No, that didn’t happen”; it all happened.

My father was everywhere. I’d pass a Chinese restaurant—Bah Ba. I’d see an old Chinese man—Bah Ba. I’d see a father—Bah Ba. I’d look in the mirror—Bah Ba. The guy was in my fucking blood. He was a Lam; I’m a Lam; my children will be Lams. They will call me Bah Ba.

Walking around the empty school hallways, I’d tap my fist against the wall, lightly at first then with more power until I reached a point where any stronger, I’d break my hand. In my classroom, I’d be on my laptop, then for no reason, I’d slap the desk as hard as I could. Pain soothed me.

I brought my lunch to the meeting on sexual harassment. I hadn’t had the chance to eat yet. I’d picked up Hawaiian takeout from a spot on Mission Street, loco moco in a small Styrofoam box. As Toni continued with how prevalent sexual assault was at our school, boys grabbing girls’ butts, I broke the fried egg, the yoke spilling over the burger patty.