Richard’s name was the only word that prompted that particular euphemism from Jake. “You have stop calling Richard Dickhead. It hurts his feelings.”
Feelings? Crap. What had she just said? Sandi dropped her forehead against her fingers and shook her head. How was it possible that a human being’s feelings could be hurt by a bird? The question hanging in her mind, she carried Jake back inside, toward his bedroom.
As they neared the bedroom door, Jake flapped his wings and screeched. “No! No! Help! Help! Call nine-one-one! Nine-one-one!”
He never wanted to be put away. “You cannot have free rein in the house. You poop on everything. You’re a poopy bird.” She was in the process of tethering him back to his perch when he said, “Dickhead. Dickhead.”
Sandi hadn’t heard Richard come in, but since he was the only person Jake greeted with that particular salutation, she knew her fiancé was behind her. A laugh burst out. Laughter was an improper reward for Jake, but she couldn’t help it. She turned to face Richard with the moisture of mirth in her eyes.
Richard stood there with his eyelids narrowed. “I’m going to kill that fuckin’ turkey.” On a growl, he thrust his face toward Jake’s beak. “Turkey! Turkey!
Jake cocked his head and cooed and Sandi could almost believe he was smiling except that parrots couldn’t smile.
Richard straightened and gave her an accusing look. “Where did he learn a word like “dickhead”? And what’s more, what does he mean when he says it?”
Sandi suppressed her amusement. “I’m not sure about that one. He only says it when you’re around.”
“The sonofabitch hates me. He’d look good stuffed and mounted.”
“Call the cops. Call the cops.” Jake squawked.
“Now, don’t be mean, sweetie,” Sandi said to Richard. “You know Jake’s history. Life in a biker sports bar couldn’t have been an ideal environment for a talking parrot.”
“Biker sports bar? Have you thought about how dumb that sounds? Do bikers give a shit about sports?”
“I don’t know. I just think Jake was rarely around any people except rowdy drunk men. I’m teaching him new things. Listen to this.” Sandi turned her attention back to the parrot. “Jake, who does Sandi love? Come on, now. Tell me. Who does Sandi love?”
Jake walked back and forth on his perch, his head bobbing up and down, “Sandi loves Jake. Sandi loves Jake.”
“See?” she said to Richard. “That’s something new he’s learned.”
“Hey, Dickhead,” the bird piped.
“Put him in his cage and throw a blanket over it,” Richard said, sliding his arms around her waist. Her arms automatically went around his shoulders and their lips joined in a sweet kiss.
“Wanna fuck? Wanna fuck?” Jake said.
Unable to stop a guffaw, Sandi laughed against Richard’s mouth and pulled away.
His face flushed a deep crimson, Richard shook his head. “Sandi, dammit...”
She wiped tears from her eyes with a fingertip. “I think he heard someone say that when he lived in the bar. He understands things. I think he knows that when you come over, we sometimes have sex.”
“Bullshit, Sandi. How the hell does a damn bird know what fuck is? Or sex, for that matter?”
“My goodness, Richard, you think baby parrots just fall out of the sky?”
“You know what I mean,” Richard groused. “Besides that, I hate a damn bird knowing my private life. And repeating it.”
Sandi continued to dab away tears of mirth. “You scared me to death, by the way. I didn’t hear you come in. I haven’t even had time to shower.”
“It’s no wonder.” He shot another disapproving glare at Jake. “I called out to you, but it’s hard to be heard over your critters.”
Richard’s attitude about her pets was just one of the reasons Sandi’s relationship with him might never go further. Though he had casually talked about getting married, she doubted she would ever marry him even if he became serious. If he had more power over her, he would complain even louder about her pets, might even try to make her get rid of them. She would never admit it aloud, but her animals were more important to her than Richard. And her deepest self knew that was no way to start a marriage.
She gave him a peck on the cheek, “Oh Richard, don’t be a grump. I’m glad to see you.”
Jake fluffed his feathers and cocked his head. “Wanna fuck? Wanna fuck?”
“Don’t be surprised to find that sonofabitch missing one of these days,” Richard griped. He turned to Jake and pointed his finger at his beak. “You hear that, you mouthy bastard? Hear that? You could come up missing.”
“Richard, you’re talking to a bird,” Sandi reminded him.
“What did your aunt say? Is she going to take him?”
“I think so. She says her husband will love him. But I swear, I’m going to miss him.”
“Good riddance, I say. How soon can you get rid of him?”
Jake ruffled his feathers and squawked. “Help! Nine-one-one. Nine-one-one.”
“When she has time to come and get him,” Sandi said, starting for the kitchen. “Come on into the kitchen. Are we eating out or in?”
“Don’t leave me,” Jake screeched. “I’ll talk. I’ll talk.”
“No time to eat,” Richard said. “I just stopped by to say hello. I’m headed home to change into something more comfortable. I’ll grab something there and go back to the office.”
“You work too hard, Richard. I’ve hardly seen you in weeks.”
“I know. And I promise to make it up to you.” He caught up with her and kissed the tip of her nose. “It’s this case. I’ve been reading and re-reading the arrest reports. I think I’m onto something—”
“Oh, no.” Sandi looked squarely at him. “I hope it isn’t a way to get that monster off.”
Richard sighed deeply. “We’ve been over this too many times, Sandi. My job—”
Sandi raised her palms and stopped him. “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I promised myself I wouldn’t say anything, but Fiona did Mrs. Bean’s hair. She says she was one of the sweetest women she knew.”
“I’m not paid to argue that,
