‘I believe in something. I don’t go to church but I think there is some force guiding us. Don’t you?’
Surtsey thought of Tom, now in the morgue being picked over by professionals. ‘No, I don’t believe in anything like that. I wish I did.’
Donna reached over and touched Surtsey’s hand. Surtsey was surprised at first, but it didn’t feel weird, just comforting, and Surtsey squeezed Donna’s hand back.
‘It’s just about doing the right thing,’ Donna said.
‘If only it was that easy.’ Surtsey was surprised that she’d said that out loud.
Donna moved her hand away from Surtsey’s on the wall and they sat in silence for a while.
Donna spoke, looking out to sea. ‘Do you remember the first time we met?’
Surtsey searched in her memory. ‘No, I don’t think so.’
‘I was in fourth year. I was down here at the beach with a group of folk. They weren’t really friends, just folk who let me hang around with them. Denise, Lily and the rest. They were much more mature than me. It was end of term and everyone was drinking, there was a bonfire.’
Surtsey shook her head. If drink was involved, maybe that’s why she didn’t remember.
‘Other groups were coming and going, drawn by the bonfire and bevvy. Denise was trying to impress some boy, I can’t remember who, and started slagging me off to him and his mates, about my weight, telling them she’d seen me in the showers, the rolls of fat, it was disgusting.’
‘She was a right bitch,’ Surtsey said.
Donna smiled. ‘You really don’t remember this?’
Surtsey shook her head.
‘Anyway, you were there with a couple of older girls. You were pretty drunk, and could’ve just sat there like everyone else, but you didn’t, you stood up and tore strips off her, started shouting. She just shut up, ashamed she’d been called out. The boys looked awkward and drifted off.’
Surtsey laughed. ‘Are you sure it was me?’
‘I’m sure.’
‘Doesn’t sound like me.’
Donna turned and looked her in the eye. ‘So you do know about doing the right thing, even if you don’t think you do.’
Surtsey felt a shudder go through her and wondered if it was another aftershock.
‘Did you feel that?’ Surtsey said.
‘What?’
‘I just thought I felt something, a tremor.’
They sat on the wall, their fingers almost touching on the stone.
‘Maybe I felt something,’ Donna said, but Surtsey didn’t know if she really had or if she was just making her feel better.
15
Sometimes you just needed to fuck a skinny Irish boy. Surtsey had spent the rest of the evening getting stoned with Halima in the living room as they compulsively watched the news. It was strange to be part of the story, dislocating somehow. When Halima had finally had enough and stumbled to bed, Surtsey felt suddenly lonely. So she made a booty call and, as if by magic, here he was in her bed.
There wasn’t a scrap of meat on Brendan, barely any muscle either, just bone and sinew, all edges and bumps. They started off warm and fuzzy from the grass but Brendan could go for ages and gradually it woke Surtsey up, brought her more into the moment. She’d wanted to use him to forget about everything, but that was dishonest and disrespectful so she focussed and took charge, climbed on top, controlled the pace and rhythm, laughed out loud at simply fucking with no consequences. He came first but she was close behind, digging her nails into his scrawny arms as she felt the tremors through her.
She collapsed beside him on the bed.
He drank from a pint of water on the bedside table, Surtsey running a finger down his knobbly spine. She couldn’t help comparing the two of them. With Tom she felt grown up, a real woman, whereas the juvenile joy of this was liberating. She felt physically different relative to the two men. With Brendan she became the curvy earth mother compared to his spindly frame. With Tom she felt like a sylph, a whisper of a woman compared to his bulk and experience.
‘Penny for them,’ Brendan said.
Surtsey shook her head and smiled. ‘Just thinking how much I fancy you, that’s all.’
‘Back at you.’
They looked in each other’s eyes for a time then Surtsey turned away, padded to the toilet.
In the bathroom she sat and made herself pee. She wiped and washed her hands, looked in the mirror of the bathroom cabinet.
‘What are you doing?’ she whispered to her reflection.
She opened the cabinet and saw creams and lotions, some of her mum’s old stuff that she hadn’t taken with her up the road. She thought about her mum asking for pills. She couldn’t blame her. Surtsey wouldn’t be half as brave in the circumstances. It took guts to make that decision.
She walked back to her room. Brendan lay on the bed with his eyes closed.
‘I’m not asleep,’ he said.
‘Go ahead.’
He opened one eye. ‘It’s OK if I stay over?’
‘Of course.’
‘I just thought…’
‘What?’
He propped himself up on his elbows. It was hard to take him seriously with his cock limp against his thigh.
‘You seemed really upset in the pub,’ he said. ‘I didn’t know if you wanted company.’
‘You’re here, aren’t you?’
Brendan held her gaze. ‘We’re all right, aren’t we?’
‘How do you mean?’
‘You and me.’
Surtsey put on a smile. ‘Sure.’
‘You’d tell me if there was something wrong?’
‘Of course.’
‘Good. Because I’m right into you, you know.’
They hadn’t used the L word yet. So unlike Tom, who said it on their second night together, despite his family. Crazy way to speak but it meant different things to different people, who was she to judge. She didn’t know if she loved Tom, or Brendan, if she’d loved any man. Or maybe she loved them all. How can you ever know yourself with all the noise and interference coming from the world?
She’d been seeing Brendan for over a year, a fact that shocked her every time she remembered. He’d done his undergrad at Trinity College while still living at
