The doorbell again.
Surtsey sat up slowly and placed her feet on the floor. Iona hadn’t moved an inch, was out cold. Surtsey stood up and walked down the stairs, dreading whoever was on the other side of the door. She put her hand on the snib, breathed, then opened it.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Donna said. ‘About your mum.’
Tears came up and out of Surtsey in a flood, a hot rush she couldn’t quell, gasping and sobbing, reaching for Donna and pulling her into the house, burying her face in the woman’s shoulder, clutching at her back in a hug, swaying on her feet as if another aftershock was throbbing through them both.
They stood in the hallway with the front door open, Surtsey immersed in the smell and feel of the other woman, not thinking anything for as long as she could manage. Eventually she became aware of passers-by on the prom, an elderly couple, one pushing the other in a wheelchair, two young women in training gear walking fast and gossiping, a dad with a baby in a harness on his chest.
She pulled back from Donna, her fresh scent lingering in her nose.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘Don’t be.’
Surtsey reached for the door and shut it.
‘How are you doing?’ Donna said.
‘Not great.’
‘I can’t imagine.’
Surtsey showed Donna through to the kitchen. ‘Can I get you anything?’
Donna frowned. ‘Sit down, I’ll get the kettle on.’
Surtsey smiled and wiped her nose with a tissue, did the same with her tears on her sleeve. She leaned against the small table, not wanting to sit down in case she never got back up. She thought for a moment.
‘Was it you who found her?’
Donna shook her head. ‘One of the night shift, just before I came on this morning.’
‘They didn’t call me straight away?’
‘The charge nurse has to verify the death before informing next of kin.’
‘Right.’
‘I wanted to call you, but I wasn’t allowed.’
She got mugs from hooks, opened a cupboard and threw teabags into them. Her sense of calm reminded Surtsey of her mum, but then everything made her think of Louise at the moment. Donna finished making tea then handed one to Surtsey.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to sit down?’
‘I’m fine.’
Donna made a show of looking round the kitchen. ‘Where are your housemates?’
Surtsey shook her head. ‘Halima’s at the office, Iona’s upstairs sleeping it off. She came with me to the hospice this morning. The nurse said we had to do it straight away.’
‘That’s normal.’
Surtsey sipped her tea. ‘Did you see her?’
Donna nodded. ‘I hope you don’t mind, I popped in after the nightshift nurse told me. I wanted to say goodbye.’
‘That’s nice, you and her were close.’
Donna looked around the room again. Surtsey realised it was a nervous gesture.
‘What is it?’ Surtsey said.
Donna shook her head. ‘I don’t know if I should bring it up.’
‘Well, you have to now.’
Donna took a big drink of tea, eyes down. She took something from her pocket, put it down on the table between them. An empty pill packet.
Surtsey picked it up. Morphine. Prescription strength with Louise’s name on it. The date was old, from before she went into the hospice. They monitored pain relief carefully there in case of overdoses.
‘Where did you get this?’ Surtsey said.
‘I was tidying up this morning after they removed her. I picked her slippers up from the floor and this was inside.’
Surtsey turned the packet over. Thirty-six tablets, more than enough. Empty, out of date, her mum’s name. Had she planned this all along?
‘Did you tell the hospice?’ Surtsey said.
‘I thought I’d leave that decision to you.’
‘They’ll find out anyway with the post-mortem.’
Donna shook her head. ‘They don’t do a post-mortem unless it’s suspicious.’
Surtsey remembered the nurse on the phone saying the same.
‘And there isn’t anything suspicious if I don’t tell them?’ she said.
‘Exactly,’ Donna said. ‘Some people don’t want this kind of thing out in the open. There’s still a stigma. And if anyone helped they could be charged with complicity to murder.’
‘Christ.’
‘I know, it’s crazy, but that’s the law. You think they would let people end their time peacefully.’
Surtsey held the empty box like a holy relic.
‘You think that’s what she did?’
Donna shrugged. ‘Not necessarily. She could’ve been taking them in dribs and drabs in addition to her hospice medication.’
They stood in silence. Surtsey looked out the window at the boatshed.
‘Thank you for bringing this,’ she said. ‘I mean it.’
‘No problem.’ Donna finished her tea and rinsed the mug at the sink. ‘I’d better go.’
She made towards the kitchen doorway then turned. Surtsey had followed her, and Donna placed a hand on her arm. ‘If you need anything at all, just ask. I mean it.’
Surtsey saw her to the door and watched as Donna walked down the path then along the prom. She closed the door then went back to the kitchen. Picked up the tablet packet again, turned it over in her hand. She looked at the prescription label stuck on the box. One corner of it was curled away from the cardboard. All the information on the label seemed correct, but something nagged at her mind. The red of the box, that dog-eared corner of sticker.
She put the box down and finished her tea, went to the sink and rinsed the mug. She got a tea towel and dried the mug, along with Donna’s and put them back in the cupboard, as if Donna had never been here. Surtsey had never been tidy before, never cleared up after herself, had allowed Louise to do all the grunt work of keeping the house ticking over. But after Louise went into St Columba’s, Surtsey had taken over that role. Someone had to, or the place would go to the dogs.
She looked out the window and it came to her.
