“Am I getting you into trouble, Toby?”
“Why?”
“You can’t harbour me without telling your people, can you?”
There was a silence.
“Have you told your people?” I stopped eating. “Have you told your office, Toby?”
“Yes.”
A long pause, while we ate.
“I don’t mind. You had to. Why haven’t they come for me?”
“I don’t know. They’re busy.”
“Why haven’t they tried to kill me?”
He sighed. “Why would they want to do that?”
“Come on, Toby.” I stared at him. “Why haven’t they rounded me up?”
I’d hardened my tone and he looked agitated. Maybe it brought back memories of Nazareth. We’d gulped the coffees and now swigged on the bottles of water. I let the question hang.
“The Desk just says you disappeared,” he said eventually. “Went to East Jay and just vanished. They weren’t unduly worried. Your visa was fine and you know lots of people in the region.”
I snorted.
“So I run an errand and just disappear. Come on, Tobes. Didn’t anyone want to debrief me? Didn’t anyone come looking for me? Wasn’t anyone worried? About the document exchange, if not me. Weren’t you worried?”
“Let me take you to the office. You can ask them. They can help.”
“Isn’t it shut weekends?”
“There are always pastoral staff we can contact.”
Pastoral? Then he turned towards me.
“You need help, Nat. Let us help you.”
It was a tone I’d heard before, but I couldn’t place it for a moment. Then I had it. Dr Gray. Therapy. My neck began to prick with humidity and anger. I shook a little. I realised he didn’t believe any of it. You don’t believe me, Toby.
But I didn’t say it, just carried on drinking my water and staring across the road at a shop that appeared to sell second-hand electrical goods. Toby had now been assigned, or maybe assigned himself, to look after the nutcase who had disappeared after the conference.
He was still talking.
“There are people who can help you. You need a good rest after all you’ve been through. There’s a lot you need to get out of your system.”
“Horseshit,” I said and screwed up the box the kebab had come in. “It’s a free world, isn’t it, Toby?”
I was feeling sick and my breath was short and quickening. I stood and felt my thigh shake lightly. There was a bin attached to a telegraph pole and as soon as I reached it I was neatly sick into it, this little emetic episode suddenly lightening me.
I drew the back of my hand across my mouth. Toby handed me a large navy-blue handkerchief, but said nothing.
“Toby, what’s going on?”
He was flicking the nail of his thumb.
“You’re a danger to yourself,” he said. “You’re not well.”
“It’s not me who’s the danger. Who is telling you this? Your people?”
“Not my people. Not any people. You just need help. You’ve had some sort of breakdown.”
Yeah, that’s what they’ll have told him, I thought.
“And who are you and your people? Don’t bullshit me any more, Toby.”
“You know who we are. Don’t be silly.”
He could have been speaking to that sister he didn’t have.
“Yes, but what office are you working in? Who are you working for? Come on, I’m tired of this.”
I really was. Suddenly I was really tired.
“Toby, when I phoned you from Nazareth. . . it rings out then transfers.”
“It transfers to my mobile. It’s no big deal,” said Toby. “Or it shouldn’t be. We’re working out of the American embassy.”
“What do you do?”
He looked at me like he didn’t understand. Perhaps he didn’t.
“Come on, Toby. What’s been going on.”
“Nothing. Really. It’s all as you were briefed. The conference and everything. All legit. It’s just led by the Americans, not us. It wasn’t led out of London, that’s all. It’s Washington.”
“US money?”
“I guess.”
I didn’t care. It wasn’t the biggest lie in the world. But there must be something else. So I waited, but nothing more came. Toby lit a cigarette and offered me one. I refused. My mouth tasted of tin and I was breathing hard.
“Toby, I need help.”
“I know. I’ll take you in.” He was suddenly more kind. “You do need help. They say you need medical help.”
“What do they want to do with me, Toby? Am I a security risk?”
“No, they’re just worried about you. And London wants to know what’s been going on.”
“But, Toby, I’ve killed people, I really have.”
“Stop it, Nat. Relax. Tell them all about it in London.”
“Someone must know about the bodies.” I was shaking again.
“Natalie, we can get you home quickly. When you’ve seen a doctor. Back to London.”
“Did they tell you about the bodies, Toby? Did they tell you they’d found them?”
I was speaking calmly and rhythmically, I thought, staring across the road for certainty, but everything was rattling inside, like being pushed in a pram over cobblestones.
“There was a boy in the back room. I seduced him, stabbed him in the neck and he bled to death. Then there was a fat guy in the lounge I shot.”
He paused, not shocked or anything, just patient.
“We can get you back to London. There are people there who can look after you. Help you. Nat, we’re here to help. We’ll get you home safely.”
I sat down again next to him.
“Toby, do you think I’m dangerous?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Are you afraid of me?”
“No, I’m not.”
I sighed deeply and my voice broke. I peered up at the sky to stop the tears running out from the bottom of my eyes. “I could tell you such things.”
“It’s OK, Nat. We’re going to look after you.”
“Why don’t you just take me in? Have me arrested, locked up or whatever? I’ve done such terrible things, Toby.”
“There’s no need for that.”
I was feeling stronger again, calmer. Maybe the kebab
