My phone beeped. I ignored it, lighting a cigarette to quiet the rumbling in my chest that felt like someone was pounding on it, slamming fists into my lungs. I tried to breathe, but my phone kept on beeping incessantly.
A text from Jess and a text from Toby.
Jess’s read: Leaving now, see you soon! :) Get me a drink!
And Toby’s: Come back downstairs. Mad hotties down here. You’ll love ’em.
21.
I was sitting so close to the speakers that I could barely hear my own thoughts. I occupied the leather couch facing the center of the room, where I could sit and stare vacantly at the crowd and no one would bother me or try to ask me my name. I was on my fifth jungle juice and on my way to going completely numb.
Connor and Skye Russo. Skye Russo and Connor. The walls around me were beginning to swim.
Toby appeared with a shot in hand. He was wearing Max’s beanie. I took the shot, letting it burn my insides, then snatched the beanie off his head.
“What the fuck?” he said.
“Doesn’t suit you,” I said. I tossed it at a drunk girl nearby, some college-looking girl with long legs and a low-cut dress. She swayed to the music, smiling as her eyes went in two directions. She giggled drunkenly, pulling it over Toby’s eyes and leaning into him.
I toasted my empty shot glass in his direction, then went back to downing my jungle juice. Not five minutes later and he was back, leaning close to me so I could hear him and smell the liquor on his breath, that awful smell that reminded me of my father.
“Which one do you want?” he slurred at me, nodding to the room full of girls.
I shrugged. “None. I’m good right here.”
He laughed and shook his head. “Jack, dude, it’s been like thirty minutes. Don’t be shy, I can hook you up with any of these girls right here. I swear. Swear to God. They won’t turn you down as long as I’m doing the talking.”
He was drunk, super drunk, and I wanted to tell him to get the fuck out of my face and mind his own damn business. But I just leaned back, took another sip of juice and shrugged.
“Her,” I said. I was just pointing at random, but I realized with relief that the girl in my finger’s direction was none other than Jess herself.
I watched Toby’s smile vanish for a moment. And then his grin was back, and he was laughing to himself, but his eyes hadn’t changed.
“I thought she was like your sister,” he said. “I thought she was off the table.”
“What’s that?” I said. “Speak up, Toby, I can’t hear you.”
“I said…I thought…” He leaned in closer to me, almost stumbling on the slippery, sticky floor. “I thought you know, maybe if you don’t want it, I could hit that.”
He must have taken my scowl to mean he’d made me jealous or something, because he put his hands up and shook his head. “Nah, she’s all yours, Jack. I get it. I don’t get why you’re so weird about it, but it’s cool. You should go for it. You shouldn’t wait. Don’t be a little bitch about it.”
I stood and moved to leave the room, but not before bumping shoulders with him and murmuring, “You would know about being a little bitch.”
22.
I couldn’t believe it was Jess. I had never seen her like this before.
She was plastered. I could see that even from here. She must have pre-gamed with her friends. But what was scaring me was how old she looked in that tiny little black dress and those high-heeled boots with spikes all down the heel, how old and young at the same time. She wore thick make-up, and her long, platinum hair tumbled down her shoulders in waves. From across the room, she smiled and waved at me, wobbling in those silly boots. She put a hand on the shoulder of some guy to steady herself. His eyes were up her dress and he was grinning like those creepy old guys at Bazingo did when a pretty girl walked into the room. My throat tightened.
It was all Toby and Max had been able to talk about, this Jess who had just stepped out of a magazine, or off the runway, or out of the screen of some trashy Hollywood reality show. They were looking at her like she was their next meal.
“So, you gonna do it?” Max asked, nudging me in the ribs.
“Just fucking do it, Jack. Look at her.” Toby whistled appreciatively and took a swig from his cup.
They’d been goading me for what felt like hours. Time was beginning to blur. The room could swallow me whole in one gulp. I shook my head to try and steady my vision.
I watched her swinging her hair back and forth in time to the music, her dress riding up her thighs, revealing hot pink underwear.
“You little bitch, are you nervous or something?” Toby laughed. He was joking, but it didn’t sound like a joke. “I mean look at that. Damn.”
Words were stuck in my throat. I swallowed them down.
“Nah man it’s fine, listen,” Max said, leaning in close to slur in my ear. “It’s easier when they’re drunk.”
He must have learned that from Toby. Or had I said that to him at one point? Why would dweeby Max say something like that? My brain tried feebly to piece it all together, to make sense of the tilting room and the noise penetrating my brain. Everything felt like a dream, like I was swimming through light and sound that was all inside my head. But in that surrealistic moment anything felt possible.
Toby nudged me. “Hey, if you don’t want her Jack, I do.” I
