“What happened?” I asked.
“I’m not too sure, hon. It looks like you may have had a panic attack. Have you experienced anything like this before?”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t know. Maybe.”
She helped me sit up. “Slowly, slowly. There you go.” She handed me a Dixie cup filled with water. I gulped it down and immediately wanted more. Why did they make these things so small?
“You’re okay, now,” she said gently, her voice like warm milk. But I didn’t feel okay.
“Do you want me to call your parents and have them pick you up?”
“No, no. I’m fine.”
“I just need to see your student I.D., get some stuff logged into the system, and then you can head back to class if you’re feeling up to it.”
I shook my head. The dizzy feeling was coming back full throttle. “Please, can we just keep this between us?” I said. “I don’t want this in the system. I don’t want my parents knowing. I don’t want anyone to know. Look, I know it’s your job and all, but I’m fine, really. I don’t want anyone worrying about me. Can we just…act like this didn’t happen?”
She wiped her glasses on his shirt and studied me closely. “What’s your name?”
“Jack,” I said. “Burns.”
“Jack, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to write an excuse for you that says you were sick that you can give to your teacher, and I’ll log this into the system as a stomach-related issue. I do think you should call your mom or dad and have them come pick you up early. I’ll be more than happy to arrange that, and I won’t tell them what happened.”
“I think I’ll go back to class,” I said, forcing myself to smile.
She sighed and shook her head, writing up the note, but before she relinquished it to me she said: “Listen Jack, I’m only a school nurse, and this is just a suggestion, but if you feel this overwhelmed a lot, I would recommend seeing a counselor. You know, someone you can talk to besides Mom and Dad.”
“Sure,” I said, taking the note, forcing another smile. “Thanks.”
I left the nurse’s office, crumpling the note in my fist. I got the pink sticky note, cartoon, and rope from my locker, shoved them in my bag, and went outside to unlock my bike from the rack.
When I got home the house was quiet except for Gunther curled up against the wall with his legs splayed out, snoring loudly. It was weird that Mom wasn’t there eating a bag of donuts or watching bad TV, but I didn’t question it.
I let Gunther into the yard and sat in the grass. First, I burned the rope, watching it smolder and disintegrate into the ground until I needed to stomp out the flames. Then I burned the pink sticky note and the cartoon, watching the smoke curl and rise into the blue sky. I rolled a joint and laid back into the soft grass and smoked until my eyes watered and all the thoughts left my head.
43.
I finally switched my phone back on.
For the past few days, I’d been avoiding Connor for real. I’d kept my phone off, mostly to avoid the texts and calls, but also having to avoid the circle we kept going around and around in, the things he wanted from me that I couldn’t give him.
No new messages. Nothing more from the creeps harassing me. And…nothing from Connor.
I was kind of relieved. We wouldn’t have to fight about it again—about being out and proud for everyone at school—or whatever it was he wanted us to do.
But it also made me kind of nauseous, like maybe this time he was done with me for real.
The hands on the clock in English class slowed to a crawl. My teacher’s voice became a low, dull buzzing in my ears. All I could think about was Connor, how I’d fucked things up with him, how I wanted to apologize. But there was nothing more I could say. My heart ached. My head ached. And fucking Toby was watching me all class period. Whenever I met his gaze, he’d turn around again, act like he wasn’t looking. I thought I must’ve been hallucinating from paranoia.
The bell rang, and to my surprise he stepped in front of me before I could leave the room. “Get lunch with me and Max?” he asked. His eyes were all friendly, his smile reassuring.
Maybe I’d been imagining it all. Maybe it wasn’t Toby who’d been sending me all those messages. Maybe he’d just been fucking around.
“Uh, maybe?” I said.
His smile dropped a little. “You have other plans?”
I could only shrug. I guess I didn’t.
I searched Toby’s eyes for a sign of reassurance. A sign that things between us were alright. “Yeah. Sure, I guess.” Maybe he wanted to apologize to me in person about being such a dick for so long. Toby had never been good at conversation, about being direct with how he felt. I should at least give him a chance.
“Cool. Max is picking up some sandwiches. We’re meeting at the usual spot. You know, the one we used to go to. You do remember that, right?”
Of course I remembered. It was the spot by the big, fat palm trees in the courtyard. We used to eat there every day, two of us waiting while one of us made a fast-food run.
I opened my mouth to answer him when my phone dinged.
A new message.
My face lit up immediately. I couldn’t help it. It was from Connor, asking where I’d been. He was annoyed, obviously, but this was a sign. A sign that he wasn’t completely done with me, that he still cared after all. I let out a breath of relief.
But when I looked back up at Toby, he wasn’t smiling anymore. “Who is that?” he asked, trying to get a look at my screen. “Who texted you?”
“Huh?”
Ding. Another
