She rolled her eyes. “Oh, so I can’t possibly understand your stoner predilections?”
I sighed. “I’m heading over there now,” I said. “You can come or you can watch this freshman mess.”
“One of the girls is a senior.”
“Whatever.”
I hesitated for a moment. Part of me wanted to walk with her down those halls like we used to, talking and laughing and making fun of the mayhem at this school. But with the crowd that had gathered, still simmering with energy of the recent fight…it all made me too jumpy. I needed something to take the edge off, a quiet place to sit and think.
“Okay,” Jess said, her back turned to me as she surveyed the continuing chaos. She twirled her hair around her fingers nervously. “Whatever. I’ll see you later, I guess.”
Come with me, I almost said again, and I felt like such an asshole, because instead, I patted her arm and made my way down that ugly orange hallway with its peeling lockers and sharp smells of ammonia. Day in and day out we were herded through these doors, mindless cattle told to sit and pay attention and study and work hard so one day we could have a bright future in a cold office building that smelled of ammonia, where we’d pay attention and work hard day in and day out.
Go figure.
I had a vision of Jess and I stealing a car and driving east, just hitting the country roads, watching the expanse of sky roll over us as the world opened up, wide open space all around. Every time I got this itch to run, to drive, to leave, I had to smoke a little to keep myself from flying off the handle.
Because I knew, even if I did steal that car and go, she would never in a million years actually come with me.
I’d be getting really, really stoned today.
8.
“I admit it, I’m just a thirsty virgin,” said Max.
The boys and I were sitting behind the gym at lunch, far enough away from security so we could smoke undetected. It was also a prime viewing spot for girls outside at gym class, girls in field hockey skirts or tiny running shorts. And for the first time, Connor was joining us.
“I feel you, man,” Toby said, appraising a particularly busty brunette who had just scored a goal. “Except, wait, I’m not a virgin. Oops.”
“Well I am, and it fucking sucks,” Max said.
“Don’t worry, dude,” Connor said. “When you’re the CEO of the next pharmaceutical empire, I’m sure you’ll get plenty of tail.”
“And we’ll fix your problem,” Toby said, putting an arm around Max. “We’ll find you someone hot, give you pointers. Am I right, Jack?”
“Uh, sure,” I said.
“I mean, Jack’s not a virgin. Right?” Toby asked. All of them turned to me.
I hesitated before choosing an answer. “No, of course not.”
Connor snorted a laugh.
“What?” I said. “What’s so funny about that?”
“Nothing,” Connor grinned, locking eyes with me. He flicked the ashes of his cigarette in the direction of Toby’s shoes. “It’s not the least bit amusing.”
“Well give us some details!” Max said.
“What is this, a fucking slumber party?” I said. “Why do you pervs want to know so much?”
“We’re just curious, man,” Max said. “Who’ve you been with? Anyone we know?”
Toby leaned in and hissed in Max’s ear, “I bet he’s fucked Jess.”
“Oooh!” Max snickered.
“Shut up!” I said. “You guys are nasty. Jess is like my sister.”
“A sister I wouldn’t mind getting friendly with,” Toby said. “She’s sexy as hell. Come on, you must have at least thought about it.”
I shrugged and pulled out my cigarettes, putting one between my lips and fumbling for a lighter. Connor held one out in front me, and I let him light me up, let that sweet smoke fill my lungs and calm my nerves.
“I don’t fuck and tell,” I said.
“Bullshit!” Toby said. “You must have. There’s no possible way. You’re with her like all the time.”
“Yeah, you have thought about it, haven’t you?” said Max.
“You’ve gotta be gay not to,” Toby laughed.
“Maybe,” I said, “Maybe I have. And you’ll never know.”
Toby cackled and batted Max’s arm. “He’s so fucked her.”
“Definitely,” Max agreed. “What about you, Connor?”
“Have I fucked Jess?”
“No, man, who’ve you been with here?”
Connor shrugged. “I don’t fuck and tell.”
“Whatever,” Max said. “We’ve heard all about you. You get around, bro.”
He just smiled and stood up, stomping out his cigarette. “I’ve got shit to do. You kids have fun with your gossip. I’ll see you later.” I watched him walk away, wishing I could just get up like that and leave when the guys were pissing me off. I wondered if he really was who everyone was blowing him up to be.
The next day, he touched my hand.
It was momentary, a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it kind of deal. At first, I thought I’d imagined it, that light succession of taps—one, two, three—that lingered for a moment on the surface of my skin.
I was sitting in World History, completely engrossed in the in-class essay we were writing, and I guess he was there to drop something off for our teacher because by the time I felt it and looked up, he was already on his way out the door.
I got a kind of chill, a secret thrill that I held onto for the rest of the day. I laughed more at Toby’s dumbass jokes, at Max’s poor imitations of girls. I even kept patient while Jess complained to me about the latest crisis in the never-ending saga that was her life.
But by the time I’d made it home to find Gunther whining for his dinner and Mom curled up on the couch in her robe, snoring, a bottle of half-empty gin on the coffee table, the magic had faded from those sacred places on my knuckles.
As I stood watching Mom snore
