Mission First, People Always.
“THIS IS A MOMENT to advance,” I said out loud the next morning, reaching my hand into my pocket to feel the corners of the paper with Adam’s words that he could never have expected would help me through this anguish. My other hand was holding AJ’s. “This is a moment,” I said, this time with more certainty in my voice, “to move forward with purpose, power, and most importantly, passion.”
I looked seriously at AJ, and he looked seriously back up at me. “Because action without passion is a waste of time, Mommy.”
I nodded again and took a deep breath. “Exactly.”
I would not be afraid. If I was afraid I certainly would not let my boys see. Fortunately, AJ was too young to be affected by how sweaty my palm was.
“I like that,” Mark said from behind me in line, holding his boarding pass anxiously, at the ready. That was how I felt about Mark. He was always at attention, like he was afraid he’d drop the ball and this dream of being with my sister would simply evaporate as if it never happened. “This is a moment to advance.”
“But,” Emerson chimed in, “there are moments to retreat.”
Mark put his arm around her. “Damn,” he said. “That man is nothing short of a poet.”
“Language,” I said, smiling and looking down at AJ, as I tried to put out of my mind that this one flight could wipe out most of our clan. Mom had stayed up half the night reading articles to me about how the likelihood of dying in a commercial plane crash is statistically zero. I don’t know when she got so brave. Maybe it was because I was her child that she wouldn’t let me see she was afraid. Although I couldn’t help but notice that Jack was here. She had finally admitted to Emerson, Caroline, and me that she was, in her words, “sort of dating Jack. Taking things slow, seeing how they go.”
If they weren’t married by the end of the year, I’d be shocked. I loved Jack, but it was still weird to see our mom with someone who wasn’t our dad. I couldn’t say that out loud to my sisters because they thought I was ridiculous. But I was allowed to have my feelings. That’s what Adam would say if he were here. My heart skipped a beat when I thought of him. I had this fantasy that while my phone was off on the plane, they would find him and I would land to a voicemail saying he was OK. Because that’s how life works. No matter how vigilant you are, sometimes you miss the moment.
As I put my phone on the boarding pass scanner, I could feel the sweat gathering on my brow. I was doing this. How was this possible? I was getting on an airplane. I was going to New York. Both for the first time since I left, six months after 9/11. If Emerson hadn’t pushed me, I’m not sure I would have made it onto the Jetway. And this was with a double dose of Valium. I couldn’t imagine what it would have been like without it.
As if this weren’t bad enough, I had the dream again last night. Emerson, Caroline, and I were playing on the beach. Caroline’s hair was blowing in the salty breeze; Emerson was running back and forth from our castle to the spot where the water lapped the shore. It was a perfect day by all accounts, easy and free, another childhood afternoon full of sunshine and free of worries, until I looked around for Mom and didn’t see her. My pulse quickened for a split second until my eyes locked on her. She’d been wearing a mint-green and pink bikini that day. She was so tan, so beautiful. But that day, she had her arms crossed, and her face looked angry and closed off, a way it had never looked before. It scared me to see her like that. There was a man standing with her, and he looked angry too. Angry and sad. He was talking a lot, and she was shaking her head. I remember his hair, how the light shone on it, how it was dark brown but in the sun it practically looked black, like Caroline’s. I couldn’t hear Mom, but I could tell she was yelling. Not like she did when Caroline and I had been arguing all day. Really yelling, like grown-ups do when they’re mad. I’d never seen her do that. It scared me to death. Then Mom was rushing us into the boat, and I could feel her fear. It wasn’t until later that I realized we had left our beloved fairy stones, the ones we took with us everywhere.
It had actually happened, long ago. But in my subconscious, it must have been incredibly fresh because, even though nothing particularly terrifying happened, it was still the scariest nightmare I had, seeing my mother like that and wondering who this stranger was and why they were so angry with each other.
I strapped AJ into the window seat so he could see out the window, though who would want to look out I couldn’t possibly imagine. I was in the middle, and Emerson was beside me for moral support. Mark had gotten upgraded to First Class. He acted like it broke his heart not to sit with Emerson, but let’s face it: Emerson was not as great as First Class.
Mom and Jack had Taylor a couple of rows in front of us. I was glad they had taken him because I was starting to get very, very sleepy, and I knew I couldn’t have kept up with him on the flight.
Emerson held my hand and said, “So, what do you think of Mark?”
My eyelids were getting heavy as I said, “I love him, Em. I think he’s a prince.”
I saw her smile dreamily as my eyes closed. As
