He nodded and pulled me to him. “You are going to be the best mother in the world. And I promise you I will do everything I can to ease your fear.”
“You already have,” I said.
And I knew, as he pulled me on top of him, that it was true. It might have been Caroline who pushed me over the edge. But it was Adam, with his patience, love, and care every single day, who had made me trust again. And nothing in this world, nothing in my entire life, made me happier than to repay him for that gift.
THIRTY-SIX
our truth
ansley
It seemed fitting that Carter would find out the truth about Caroline and Sloane’s father in Peachtree Bluff, on that boardwalk where we shared our first kiss, against the backdrop of a pink-and-blue, cotton-candy sky. I never really expected, in my heart of hearts, that I could go a lifetime without Carter finding out who Caroline and Sloane’s biological father was. But I assumed, eventually, he would insist I tell him.
It never occurred to me that we would pass Jack on the dock in Peachtree Bluff, that he would be completely shocked by my Emerson-pregnant belly, and that, in that look he gave me, in the simplicity and nothingness of that moment, the secret we had kept for years and years would be revealed.
When Carter ran away from me that afternoon, I didn’t run after him. I knew better. Instead, I took the time to truly thank the man who had given me my family. Things were different between Jack and me that day. The heat between us had cooled some, as it tends to when separated by time and distance and a good dose of grown-up rationality. But I still felt nervous standing beside him, my face flushed and my heart beating a little too fast.
It was only as I walked away from Jack, as I felt that familiar piercing pain around my heart, that it occurred to me how long I had had that feeling. Part of me wanted to go back to him, but I had finally gotten to a place where I knew I had done the right thing. I had finally begun to feel like my life was playing out as it should. Sure, I would be happy for that moment with Jack, but that moment would only lead to months of heartache.
There was no question I had done the right thing. No question, that is, until I got back to the house two hours later.
When I found Carter, he was pacing the length of our bedroom. “Glad you two had time for a quick tryst for old times’ sake,” he said.
I rolled my eyes. “Carter, come on. Don’t be ridiculous.”
If I had thought I was nervous with Jack on the dock, it was nothing compared to now. It wasn’t that I thought Carter would leave me, but it was one of the first times in our relationship that I was truly at a loss for what to do. I didn’t know how to make him feel better or how to make this right. The indignant part of me wanted to yell, “You did this! It was your idea! You created this situation to begin with.” It made me realize I still carried anger at him for placing this huge burden onto me.
I sat down on the edge of the bed, placing my hands protectively over Emerson in my belly. Carter took a deep breath and said, “I have never felt so stupid in my entire life. Jack? Really, Ansley? The guy was Jack?”
I sighed. “So would it be better if it were our yard man, Carter? Maybe the plumber? Maybe one of my friends’ husbands? If it were someone you saw every week, would that make you feel better?” I crossed my arms, resting them on my barely protruding belly. “This was going to be terrible no matter what, Carter. Any way we did this, it was going to be awful. So, I’m sorry, but I thought Jack was the best choice. I trust him. He doesn’t want kids. It made sense.”
“You trust him?” Carter practically spat, still pacing.
I felt anger well in me. “So what did you think, Carter? What was your best-case scenario here? How was this ever going to be anything but awful?”
What he said next knocked the wind out of me. It is a moment I will never forget, one of those moments where a new truth washed over me so completely it was as if I’d been immersed in water. But, instead of feeling cleansed, I felt tainted and dirty. Carter stopped pacing, looked directly at me, and said, “I never thought you would do it.”
I sat there for a long moment, my mouth hanging open in shock. “You were adamant that we wouldn’t adopt. You didn’t want me to do IUI again. What choice did you leave me?”
He shrugged. “I figured we wouldn’t have kids.” He sighed. “I knew you weren’t with Jack because he didn’t want kids, so I knew I couldn’t say I didn’t want them. I figured you would realize there were no good options, and we would go along just the two of us, no harm, no foul.” It was like being punched in the gut. He started pacing again. “I swear, Ansley, for a long time, I actually thought Caroline might really be mine. I honestly did. Because I couldn’t imagine you would have had it in you to get pregnant by anyone else.” He laughed incredulously then.
I felt sick. It was one of those moments, one that I think most people have at least once during the course of a long marriage, where I realized I didn’t know this man at all. Or maybe it was myself I didn’t know. Because beneath my anger and shock at what he was saying was the question of what
