She was gone before we could ask her any questions, that smart girl.
“Well, that’s new,” I said.
“Not as new as you might think,” Caroline said. “You know, Mom, you should really get better control over your household.”
Mom laughed heartily. I looked at Sloane, hoping for a smile, but her face was as stone cold as ever.
“I’ve always liked Mark,” Mom said. “And it’s time for Emerson to settle down.”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Mom,” I said. “It’s just dinner.”
“Dinner with the entire family,” Sloane pointed out, sharing a look with her sister.
That was true. I liked Mark, and I loved the idea of Emerson settling down. I didn’t disapprove of her laser focus on her career, but I wanted her to have other things, too. I wanted her to have more.
“Mommy, I sirsty,” Taylor said.
“I can get him something to drink,” Caroline said, though she was still burping Preston.
“It’s OK,” Sloane said, walking toward the kitchen.
“See, coddling,” Mom said.
I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t do this with her. Not today.
“Hey, Mom,” Caroline said. “I’m going to put Preston down for his nap. Do you mind listening for him? I’m going to take Grammy out to lunch.” Caroline winked at Mom, and she winked back. Those two were always up to something. I wished Mom could be a tiny bit better at disguising the fact that Caroline was her favorite.
“That’s fine,” I said, my mind still on Sloane. “I’m going to go make some tea,” I said, getting up and heading to the kitchen. It was terribly transparent, but if I wanted to help my daughter, then that was my prerogative.
As I reached my arms out to take Taylor from Sloane—as exhausted as I had been, I missed the boys like crazy while I was at work—I glanced out the window at the house next door that once belonged to Mr. Solomon, my crazy neighbor whom I had fought with for years over the fence that separated our yards. Happily, we made up in the weeks before his death, thanks to Caroline, of all people. Now it sat empty and alone, almost sullen, as if it were reaching out to me.
It wasn’t as large or grand as this house, but it had a charm that had always drawn me in. I wondered for the millionth time who would scoop it up when it went on the market and how I would convince the buyers to let me decorate it. And, for a split second, Jack, the first boy I had ever told how much I loved that house, crossed my mind. But he was gone, I remembered. And so were those sunny, carefree summer days.
FIVE
enlisted
sloane
June 18, 2013
Dear Sloane,
I can’t express how painful it was to leave you and AJ today. There’s a huge hole in my heart, a piece of me missing without the two of you. I felt like I couldn’t breathe as I walked away from you, and now, as I sit here, awake in the middle of the night, writing to you, I feel that pain again. Thank you for being the mother and woman you are, for taking care of our son when I can’t, for loving both of us in the way you do. Already counting down the days until you are both in my arms again.
All my love,
Adam
THERE’S NOTHING LIKE WATCHING your husband board a plane to the Middle East to make you realize that you have absolutely no idea how to be a mother. The first three weeks with AJ had been tough, sure, but Mom had been there the first week and Adam had been so hands-on the second two that I hadn’t truly realized how difficult it would be. Mom was in New York because it was grandparents’ day at Vivi’s school. Caroline was having such a tough time, her life revolving around hormone injections and IVF, that I felt almost guilty breathing in the sweet-smelling, perfectly pink head of my brand-new baby boy. Emerson was in LA, Grammy was in Florida, my mother-in-law had just had a knee replacement, and my best and only real friend on post in North Carolina had just been stationed in California.
That night with AJ had been the worst one by far. He wanted to feed every hour and a half and screamed in between. My nipples were raw and bleeding, and I was pretty sure I had a UTI, but my doctor didn’t want me to take an antibiotic. Every square inch of my house was filled with some sort of baby apparatus, and the trash cans were filled with dirty diapers that I hadn’t yet found the time or energy to take out. AJ was screaming, and to keep from throwing him out the window, I did the unthinkable, the thing my pediatrician had harped on like it was life or death: I turned on the TV. I was sure social services would sense I had broken the primary rule of parenting and arrive at my door any minute. But almost instantly, AJ quit crying.
I was so tired I couldn’t even feel the overwhelming mom guilt. I lay down on the floor right beside his bouncy seat and closed my eyes. If I couldn’t nap, just for a few minutes, I was sure I would die.
I was roused from my sleep by the feeling that someone was watching me. When I drowsily opened my eyes, I saw a protruding, pregnant belly—and then I saw the woman it belonged to. I screamed and lunged for AJ, who looked at me curiously.
All she said was, “First baby, huh?”
I didn’t respond. I looked up at her face, her mousy brown hair cut to her chin, a Cindy Crawford mole above her lip. She wasn’t wearing any makeup and had on a simple hot-pink cotton maternity dress that tied in the back. She wasn’t
