Girl took the partial pill and slept until morning. Stepmother’s mental illness allowed her to understand Girl’s anxiety, more than if she had always been stable. Girl wasn’t sure the next day if it was the Xanax or the unexpected acceptance that gave her more peace.
The next day Girl was in her parents’ kitchen. She filled her glass with ice and water from the fridge dispenser. Girl had to admit it still made her happy to watch the ice cubes fall into the glass. When she was small, she thought fridge ice-dispensers were the be-all and end-all of coolness. Stepmother had wanted an ice dispenser for years, but could never justify spending the money, just like she couldn’t justify replacing the kitchen carpeting, even though it was old and stained and impractical. Their new house had come with both a great fridge and shitty flooring.
“Look, it makes crushed ice, too!” Stepmother said, filling her own glass to the top with ice chips. Girl took a long swig of water. Ice-cold water was one of the simplest pleasures in life.
“What does semen taste like?” Stepmother asked. Girl choked and spit a mouthful of water on the carpet.
“What?” she said, stalling.
“I just always wondered.”
“Well, it’s different based on what you eat, the same with women. Salty, I guess,” Girl said. Her stomach tightened in revulsion. Why did she answer? Why couldn’t she just walk away?
a series of surgeries
Mother needed a hip replacement. Girl drove back to Rochester for a few days.
“I’m so glad you will sit with Stepmother during my surgery,” Mother said. “It’s going to be so hard on her.” But Girl wasn’t going out of kindness for Stepmother; she needed to be there in case something went wrong, in case it was her last chance to see Mother alive. Girl chose to stay in a hotel instead of alone with Stepmother.
“You know you hurt Stepmother’s feelings by not staying with her,” Mother said. But there was no way Girl would stay alone with Stepmother. Since the reunification, Stepmother had not been repentant. In fact, she still insisted that it was all an innocent mistake because “I mixed up my Paxil with my Prilosec. I just wanted a friend, I didn’t know what I was doing was so upsetting.” No apology was given, no act of contrition performed. Girl was supposed to play happy family and pretend nothing had changed, but she remembered how Stepmother had lied, blamed, and gaslighted Mother the last year, and Girl wasn’t quick to forgive. She played her daughter role, but her shell was strong and not coming down.
While they were waiting with Mother to go into surgery, Stepmother had to get a donut. Mother wasn’t allowed to eat anything, but Stepmother hung over the end of her hospital bed, dropping sprinkles on the sheet as she chewed. Girl refused to eat, so Mother didn’t have to starve alone.
“If Mother dies, I am going to commit suicide,” Stepmother said, when she and Girl were alone in the waiting room. “I want you to help me. I will get drugs and I want to die surrounded by my family.”
“I understand,” Girl said. “I promise you I’ll hold your hand. I will be there and I promise you won’t die alone. You will die surrounded by love.”
An hour later, Stepmother had a reversal of opinion.
“Don’t let me die! If something happens to Mother I’ll want to commit suicide and I need you to promise me that you will save me. Don’t let me die!”
Girl made soothing noises. “Of course I will help you, Stepmother. I won’t abandon you if Mother dies.” Stepmother clung to Girl and sobbed.
Several days later, Mother was moved to a rehab facility. “It would be too much for Stepmother to try and take care of me at home,” she said. Girl called her every day. She was puzzled to hear that Stepmother didn’t visit all that often.
“I got a little lonely the other day,” Mother told Girl. “Stepmother was so exhausted from the stress of me being in the hospital that she just slept all day, and never came by. So the next day I told her I needed her to come and visit, and she did. I was proud of myself for asking for what I needed.”
Girl wanted to kick Stepmother. Really? Mother was alone in a nursing home and Stepmother just slept all day because she was stressed?
“How’s the food?” she asked instead.
“Well, it’s not great. They said they had a vegetarian menu, but it’s just grilled cheese every day, so I asked Stepmother to bring me something. She brought over the leftover Chinese.”
“From the night before you went in the hospital?” Girl asked. That had been more than a week prior. She pictured dried-out rice and rubbery baby corn rattling around a paper container with a sticky sludge of old sauce flaking off the sides.
“It was still good,” Mother said. “It was nice of her to bring it.”
Mother had spinal fusion a few years later, then a second hip replacement. Each time, Girl drove five hours to Rochester and stayed in a hotel. After Girl returned home, Stepmother visited Mother less and less frequently. Eventually, she only showed up for dinner by Mother’s bedside. Girl knew that if Stepmother was in the hospital, Mother would stay beside her in the visitor’s chair all day long.
a restaurant
“Mother, you had no business showing Brother the bill! Why can’t you keep your mouth shut?” Stepmother screamed in the TGI Friday’s lobby, her voice loud enough to quiet the half-dozen people chatting while they waited for a table. The greeter stood with the door half open, then backed up and closed it, keeping Stepmother, Mother, and Girl outside.
“I didn’t show him,” Mother replied. “He just took it.” Girl knew this was a lie, but didn’t defend Brother. At forty years old
