She told all of this to #Six: not the lying part, but the weird feelings and the jokes and the watching her dress in the morning. Of course, Brother and Juli knew all about Father’s over-sexual nature—they were the only ones who really knew. Girl was supposed to visit Father and Brother in Alaska, and the night before she was supposed to leave her father and Brother called her, both of them on the phone at the same time.
“I hear you’re telling people I sexually abused you,” Father said. Girl could hear Brother breathing on the phone extension. “You are a little liar! You know I never touched you. This is the worst possible thing you could ever say.”
“Dad, all those jokes? And the watching me, and—”
He cut her off. “It’s all in your head. I never abused you and you know it.”
Girl lost her words. She breathed like she was crying, all fast and jerky and her throat was closed, but she was too angry for the tears to fall.
“I will not be the one who stands in judgment for this,” Girl said at last.
“Maybe you will,” Brother replied.
She hung up on both of them. She did not board the plane the next day, and she refused to send back her ticket for a refund, even when Mother asked her to.
“Girl, it’s a thousand dollars. I understand how you feel, honey, but it’s a lot of money,” Mother said. Girl turned her back on Mother and faced the wall. Mother asked again a few weeks later, but Girl still would not give back the ticket.
bunny costume
Girl was sixteen and trying to grow out her mullet. Mom and Girl had redecorated Brother’s old bedroom for her, and Mother let Girl pick out everything herself. Girl fell in love with a deep emerald green plush carpet at the remnant store. They painted her walls a clean, crisp white, and found a wallpaper border with pigs and cows and farm houses not because Girl loved farms (although she kind of loved the idea of them) but because it had that rich emerald green Girl loved so much that year. Mother bought her the white eyelet puffy comforter Girl had wanted ever since she was a little girl dreaming princess dreams and looking at J. C. Penney catalogs. Mother also bought her two throw pillows, a dusty rose one that matched the pigs in the wallpaper and a ruffled lace one that was scratchy to sleep on but pretty when Girl made her bed, which wasn’t often.
Girl was sixteen and it was Halloween, and for once Girl had a boyfriend and a costume party to go to, just like she had always dreamed that she would. She was a reformed bad girl now. She wanted to be sexy and cool above all else, but still a good girl. She wanted to be pretty and sweet. Girl had stopped having sex with boys that didn’t love her. She had found religion—Girl started reading the Bible in an effort to argue more effectively with the born-again Christian kids she had been hanging out with. One night she had a sore throat, and she defiantly prayed, “God, if you exist, make my sore throat disappear by morning.” She figured that was probably asking too much, so she amended her request: “or at least by the day after tomorrow.” The next day her sore throat was gone, and suddenly she became a believer. She prayed on her knees every night and every morning, and she prayed out loud with friends and they all held hands. Girl got nervous when it was her turn, because Rose-Marie started with “Jesus,” and her boyfriend Jacob started with “Lord,” but it sounded kind of like “Lerd” when he said it, and Girl knew he thought you should only pray to God and not to Jesus and she hadn’t been raised Christian so she didn’t have a history of words to fall back on. “God,” Girl said in her little scared voice and hoped someone kind and forgiving was listening, because she was new to this good-girl stuff but she wanted it so damn badly.
Girl’s family kept things they didn’t have a place for on the floors of closets. In the living room closet, far back in the dark left corner, was Stepmother’s old Easter Bunny costume. It was made out of terry cloth, like a towel with all the loops of thread. Brother had worn it when he went as roadkill last Halloween, covered in dirt and fake blood. He was so tall the costume’s feet dangled around his knees and added to the carcass effect. But Brother was in Alaska with Dad now, and it was her turn to claim it. Girl was surprised that someone had washed it and that the terrycloth came out white and clean and fluffy.
Girl wrapped it around her arm in a bundle and brought it to her room. What could she do with it? Girl pulled it over her clothes, zipped it up, and buttoned the hood over her hair. The ears flopped down on the sides—for some reason the ears had never been wired, but you could tell it was a bunny, at least for sure you could tell from the back where it had a white yarn pom-pom tail. The bunny suit was big enough for one and a half of her—the shoe covers reached her feet and the elastic wrist cuffs landed at her wrists, in spite of her too-long, gangly arms.
Girl rummaged through her underwear drawer and found the black strapless bra she had bought to go under a prom dress freshman year. It was see-through lace and came down to her belly button, because the bra lady at the
