Even now she could still remember how the fog had lifted, the cobwebs cleared. Her fatigue—an almost tangible beast in the room with her at all times—crept off into a corner and gave her a few minutes of peace and clarity. Behind the camera, she hid herself from reality and escaped to a place where at the click of a shutter, she could make everything perfect.
When she met Max, their monthly excursions were a breath of fresh air, but not the same as diving full into that creative river and letting it flow without thought or care, trusting the current would take her to just the right shots.
“Do you remember that artist retreat I mentioned a while back?” Jenna turned to Delores. “The one Max wanted me to attend?”
Delores nodded. “You told me you didn’t think you were going to apply.”
“I didn’t plan to, but then I did, even though I knew there was no way I could afford it, much less take time for the trip. It was mostly to get Max to stop hounding me.”
“And?”
“I found out today I got in. And it’s paid for.”
Delores sat up. “So you’re going?”
“I don’t know.” As she said the words, she knew what she wanted the answer to be. But even if she was able to take time away from work, kids, the house, laundry, babysitters, all the things that kept her away from that creative river inside her—which was more like a trickle these days—would it all come back?
“What do you mean, you don’t know? Seems like it was just handed to you. You tell them yes.”
“What would I do with the girls?”
Delores tapped her fingernail against the edge of her glass. “Well, you know they love coming to my house.” She smiled.
“Delores, I can’t leave my rowdy kids with you for a week. They’d wear you out.”
“I can handle kids, my dear. I have four of them.”
“But they’re grown adults. When’s the last time you bathed a squirming three-year-old or made dinner for a picky five-year-old?”
“True. What about family?” Delores already knew about Jenna’s parents. Her mom had died six years ago, and her dad, never all that involved in the child-raising aspect of parenthood, became even less so after his wife’s death. He was still in Birmingham, intent on working until he was too old to hold his arms up before his orchestra, poised and ready for action. “Your sister?”
Jenna shrugged, but the truth was, she’d already thought about Betsy. The idea made her nervous though. It had been a little while since they talked—really talked—and telling Betsy she wanted to go off and do nothing but take photos for two weeks would come out of left field.
“They live on a farm, right? Do they have kids?”
“Nope. Little sister gets the kids. Big sister gets the perfect husband.”
“That man is not perfect, I guarantee it. The question is, would your sister and her imperfect husband be willing to keep the girls while you go?”
Jenna drained the rest of the wine in her glass, then set the glass back on the table. “I don’t know. Maybe? But seriously, how could I do this? Even if she did keep them, I can’t take time off from my life and go do something like this. It’s too much.”
Even as she spoke, she thought of the savings account she’d set up after Walsh was born. She’d been tucking money into it each month with the intention of planning a surprise vacation for the three of them. Maybe a couple of weeks at the farm could be like a vacation for the girls. It wasn’t Disney or riding horses on the beach in Georgia, but she wouldn’t have been able to afford something like that anyway.
Delores shifted in her seat so she faced Jenna. “You know about the oxygen masks on airplanes, right?”
Jenna stifled a smile. “Yes, I’ve heard of them.”
“They always tell passengers if the masks come down, put the mask on yourself before you try to put it on anyone else. It’s the same with kids, honey. You have to take care of yourself so you can go and take care of your kids. I see how you are over here. I know it’s hard.”
“They’re good kids. I can’t just—”
“Of course they’re good.” Delores put her hand on Jenna’s knee. “They’re good because of you.” Jenna shook her head but Delores continued. “You need to be good to yourself too. Look, I wasn’t a single parent like you, but with Willard’s work schedule, I was on my own a lot. More than I thought I would be. I loved those kids, still do, but there were times I wanted to turn left instead of right into our neighborhood. Just drive off into the sunset—not forever, just for a little while. Just to breathe without four other little people taking all my air. Maybe this would be a chance for you to breathe for a little while. On your own.”
Delores glanced at her watch and rose from the couch amid a chorus of protests from her ankle and knee joints. “It’s almost my bedtime. I’ll keep an eye on my back patio tomorrow in case Walsh comes over for more playtime.” At the door she paused. “You need to do this, Jenna. Call your friend and say yes.”
After Delores left, Jenna remained on the couch, her mind running through possible scenarios. The logistics made her head hurt, but part of her wanted to jump in the car and be free of it all. To pretend, just for a little while, that she was like she used to be—on her own, untethered. That she wasn’t living with two beautiful, innocent consequences of a failed relationship and mistakes. That at twenty-eight, she wasn’t a woman
