He listened intently to what she was saying, feeling obsolete and unwanted. ‘You have been busy.’
CJ realised Elizabeth was sound asleep and stood to put the baby in her nearby crib. One of her patients had made it for her and had even put wheels on the base so she could easily wheel it from room to room.
‘Do you want me leave?’ Ethan asked. ‘Really want me to go?’
‘Do you want to go?’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t want you to feel as though you’re stuck here. You’ve pointed out before that Pridham isn’t your home, that being here is just a temporary interlude for you.’ And she couldn’t be the romantic lead in that interlude. It didn’t work that way. ‘You’ve told me you miss surgery.’
‘Even if I return to Sydney, I won’t be allowed to practise at the hospital. I’m on an enforced sabbatical, remember.’
‘Oh, yeah.’ She frowned. ‘The last thing we need is for your stress level to go through the roof again.’
‘Then me moving out of your home is the most obvious solution to our present dilemma.’ He stood and looked down at the sleeping babe, knowing he would miss her a lot. It was quite incredible the way that holding the baby in his arms had not only helped to keep his stress level under control but had also helped him become reconciled with the loss of his own child. Seeing Elizabeth laugh and cry and pull all sorts of other funny faces had helped him to imagine what Ellie might have been like if she’d had the chance. But where Elizabeth de-stressed him, being so near to, so close to her mother had a completely different effect.
‘Is being near Elizabeth too difficult for you?’ CJ asked.
‘No. Not Elizabeth.’
‘Ah. Being near me is difficult.’
‘Well, of course it is, CJ.’ He raked a hand through his hair in total frustration. ‘I can’t be in the same room as you without wanting to drag you into my arms. I want to talk to you, spend time with you, see more of the countryside with you. Then reality sets in and I realise this isn’t where I belong. I have work, CJ, important work back in Sydney.’
‘That’s your existence, Ethan. Where’s your real life? The happiness?’
He turned and looked out the window into the dark night. He was silent for so long she didn’t think he was going to answer. She was just about to leave when he said softly, ‘I don’t know.’
The emotions she felt for him rose up and overflowed. Slowly, she walked towards him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He tensed but when she didn’t move, he shifted slightly so they were facing each other. They held each other, both content just to be. Ethan had never felt comfort like this before, never felt so calm and peaceful.
How long they stood there neither of them were sure but in the end CJ’s yawn broke the moment.
‘I’ll think about whether I want to break the contract,’ he stated softly. ‘I’m just not sure.’
‘OK. If you want to move out, I completely understand. You were never really comfortable here in the first place.’
‘I like it here.’ He looked down into her face, gazing at her lips. ‘I like it too much. That’s now the problem.’
‘I know.’ She waited for a moment, watching him intently. ‘It’s crazy, isn’t it...this thing between us?’
‘Yes.’ Ethan pulled superhuman strength from somewhere and gently released her from his arms. ‘It’s so...real. So powerful and intense.’
‘Yes—but we can’t, Ethan. I can’t.’
He shook his head. ‘Wait—why can’t we, CJ? Tell me why?’
‘Why? Because soon you’ll be gone, Ethan. At the end of your time here, you’ll head back to Sydney to your work. I’m not in that picture, and although I’d love nothing better than to be with you, it wouldn’t work out—for many reasons.’
‘This isn’t just about me leaving, CJ. I know it’s going to be hard for you to trust someone after Quinten and that’s quite normal but I had hoped...that somehow I’d be able to show you not all men are lying cheats.’
‘I understand that, Ethan, but—’
‘Have I shown you that? Do you think that you could trust me?’
Ethan stood at the door to the lounge room, facing her—like a showdown at high noon. CJ didn’t need this kind of questioning, didn’t want to be put on the spot, and she certainly wasn’t sure she could give him a direct answer. She glanced down at the floor before slowly returning to meet his gaze.
‘Yes,’ she said softly. ‘Yes I think...in time... I could trust you, Ethan, and that fact alone scares me to death.’ She bit her lip as it quivered, her eyes as wide as saucers—wearing her heart on her sleeve. ‘I could trust you, I do trust you—to a certain extent, and even that has surprised me. I trust you one hundred percent in a professional capacity, I trust you with Elizabeth...’ She smiled as she said her daughter’s name. ‘You’re so good with her, so natural.’
‘And do you trust me with you?’
The smile slipped away and CJ felt the tears threatening behind her eyes, felt her throat constrict as she desperately tried to swallow. ‘I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do that,’ she whispered—a tear escaping and sliding slowly down her cheek. ‘If I take the risk, if I give you my heart then I... I...’ She shook her head, unable to continue.
‘It’s all right.’ He wanted to go to her. He wanted it so badly and he could tell she wanted him to hold her but both of them stood their ground. ‘It was a foolish question to have asked in the first place. Goodnight. I’ll let you get some sleep while
