Wanted it so badly it was like a physical hunger.
Joshua joined her on the bed and she was overwhelmed by the urge to simply fold herself into his embrace. To enjoy the closeness.
But then he was naked. And so was she. So the desire for closeness fought with her desire to play with him a little more.
He pressed his hand against her lower back, then slid it down to her butt, squeezing tight. And he smiled.
Something intense and sharp filled her chest. It was almost painful.
Happiness, she realized. She was happy.
She knew in that moment that she never really had been happy before. At least, not without an equally weighty worry to balance it. To warn her that on the other side of the happiness could easily lie tragedy.
But she wasn’t thinking of tragedy now. She couldn’t.
Joshua filled her vision, and he filled her brain, and for now—just for now—everything in her world felt right.
For a while, she wanted that to be the whole story.
So she blocked out every other thought, every single what-if, and she kissed him again.
* * *
When Joshua woke up, the bedroom was dark. There was a woman wrapped around him. And he wasn’t entirely sure what had pulled him out of his deep slumber.
Danielle was sleeping peacefully. Her dark hair was wrapped around her face like a spiderweb, and he reached down to push it back. She flinched, pursing her lips and shifting against him, tightening her arms around his waist.
She was exhausted. Probably because he was an animal who had taken her three, maybe four times before they’d finally both fallen asleep.
He looked at her, and the hunger was immediate. Visceral. And he wondered if he was fooling himself pretending, even for a moment, that any of this was for her.
That he had any kind of higher purpose.
He wondered if he had any purpose at all beyond trying to satisfy himself with her.
And then he realized what had woken him up.
He heard a high, keening cry that barely filtered through the open bedroom door. Riley.
He looked down at Danielle, who was still fast asleep, and who would no doubt be upset that they had forgotten to bring the baby monitor into the room. Joshua had barely been able to remember his own name, much less a baby monitor.
He extricated himself from her hold, scrubbing his hand over his face. Then he walked over to his closet, grabbing a pair of jeans and pulling them on with nothing underneath.
He had no idea what in the hell to do with the baby. But Danielle was exhausted, because of him, and he didn’t want to wake her up.
The cries got louder as he made his way down the hall, and he walked into the room to see flailing movement coming from the crib. The baby was very unhappy, whatever the reason.
Joshua walked across the room and stood above the crib, looking down. If he was going to marry Danielle, then that meant Riley was his responsibility too.
Riley would be his son.
Something prickled at the back of his throat, making it tight. So much had happened after Shannon lost the baby that he didn’t tend to think too much about what might have been. But it was impossible not to think about it right now.
His son would have been five.
He swallowed hard, trying to combat the rising tide of emotion in his chest. That emotion was why he avoided contact with Riley. Joshua wasn’t so out of touch with his feelings that he didn’t know that.
But his son wasn’t here. He’d never had the chance to be born.
Riley was here.
And Joshua could be there for him.
He reached down, placing his hand on the baby’s chest. His little body started, but he stopped crying.
Joshua didn’t know the first thing about babies. He’d never had to learn. He’d never had the chance to hold his son. Never gone through a sleepless night because of crying.
He reached down, picking up the small boy from his crib, holding the baby close to his chest and supporting Riley’s downy head.
There weren’t very many situations in life that caused Joshua to doubt himself. Mostly because he took great care to ensure he was only ever in situations where he had the utmost control.
But holding this tiny creature in his arms made him feel at a loss. Made him feel like his strength might be a liability rather than an asset. Because at the moment, he felt like this little boy could be far too easily broken. Like he might crush the baby somehow.
Either with his hands or with his inadequacy.
Though, he supposed that was the good thing about babies. Right now, Riley didn’t seem to need him to be perfect. He just needed Joshua to be there. Being there he could handle.
He made his way to the rocking chair in the corner and sat down, pressing Riley to his chest as he rocked back and forth.
“You might be hungry,” Joshua said, keeping his voice soft. “I didn’t ask.”
Riley turned his head back and forth, leaving a small trail of drool behind on Joshua’s skin. He had a feeling if his brother could see him now, he would mock him mercilessly. But then, he couldn’t imagine Isaiah with a baby at all. Devlin, yes. But only since he had married Mia. She had changed Devlin completely. Made him more relaxed. Made him a better man.
Joshua thought of Danielle, sleeping soundly back in his room. Of just how insatiable he’d been for her earlier. Of how utterly trapped she was, and more or less at his mercy.
He had to wonder if there was any way she could make him a better man, all things considered.
Though, he supposed he’d kind of started to become a better man already. Since he had taken her on. And Riley.
He
