Are you high yet? You want some more?
You know, there are these swinger parties they have.
Our black boxes really are such extraordinary devices, built for a level of toughness that is nearly unimaginable. But what we don’t know when we are younger is that sometimes what feels on impact like a fiery crash is just the terrifying last moments of an emergency landing that ultimately saves your life. For me, it was rejecting a deeply negative self-concept that became a twisted, masochistic sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yes, I may have felt safe and certain with the concept of “unwifeability.” But I never really had any kind of fixed identity. Because no one does. Unless you treat yourself that way, you are always pure potential—always limitless possibility. It was me who felt unworthy. It was me who felt unlovable. It was me who felt unredeemable. So I chose relationships that affirmed my self-hatred. Because if everything is pain, then nothing is.
See that burning wreckage? I did that. That was me.
But empowerment is not self-sabotage—even when you are the one wreaking the havoc. Empowerment, I think, is deciding what you want your final destination to be, developing a plan to protect your heart, and never letting anyone tell you differently.
A funny thing happens the longer you listen to that black box. Over time you can hear how the narrative changes. The more you can take control and confront what needs fixing, the more tolerable the recordings become. What was once a journey of self-hatred and regret becomes the sounds of survival. You start to hear, through the static and the noise, the unexpected connections and daring choices that helped save your life.
Mandy, you can keep calling me up every few weeks, or you can change your life.
You’ve been through a lot of pain.
You know what “shame” stands for? “Should Have Already Mastered Everything.”
Take a walk, and just find a flower and appreciate it.
I wanted you to show me I was valuable through your actions.
You’re unlike anybody I’ve ever met.
Will you marry me someday?
It’s been the best year of my life.
We can always correct course.
What seems like certain death can at any moment become certain rebirth. What seems like unforgivable sin can become an unbelievable act of mercy.
If we welcome in the pain of the past, our black box can unlock our shame, freeing us forever. If we face the very worst of it—all the humiliation, all the self-pity, all the anger, all the regret—we will soon realize the answer has been there all along.
Our black box can never be destroyed.
Acknowledgments
There are thousands of individuals who even in the briefest of interactions have helped me more than they’ll ever know, and to each one, I extend my gratitude. In particular, I am so appreciative of the love, understanding, patience, wisdom, kindness, and empathy of my family: My father, Jerry; my mother, Patricia; my sister, Amie; and the love of my life, my husband, Pat. On a professional level, I am so thankful to Byrd Leavell, Joe Veltre, Hannah Vaughn, and the best ed- itor in the world, Natasha Simons; my publicist Jean Anne Rose and the director of publicity, Jennifer Robinson; editorial assistant Hannah Brown; and the whole team at Simon & Schuster, led by the brilliant Jennifer Bergstrom. There have been so many friends and colleagues who have been particularly amazing, and I’ll name several of them here in alphabetical order. If I left you out, please let me know, and I will write a sequel just to make up for the indiscretion. Here goes.
Thank you to: Lexi Alexander, Lindsay Allen, Christina Amoroso, Megan Amram, Fred Armisen, Johanna Aster, Bahar Atvur, John Avlon, Brian Bachner, Joan Baker, Katie Baker, Todd Barry, Maggie Bandur, Amanda Barrie, Joy Behar, Greg Behrendt, Sara Benincasa, Ron Bennington, Scott Bixby, Michael Blaustein, Rachel Bloom, Kristin Booker, Alex Borstein, Dave Boyle, Jonathan Brandstein, Abigail Breslin, Sharon Bridbord, Casey Brodley, DeDe Brown, Stella Bugbee, Dennis Burger, Candace Bushnell, Susannah Cahalan, Charlie Carballo, Erin Lee Carr, E. Jean Carroll, Richard Cernese, Gina Chon, Amy Chua, Corynne Cirilli, Donna Cochener, Dr. David Colbert and everyone at New York Dermatology Group, Rives Collins, Michael Colton, Margi Conklin, Courtland Cox, Kambri Crews, Mark Cronin, Anthony Cumia, Kelly Cutrone, Eric Danville, Anna David, Kristin Davis, Mackenzie Dawson, Rachel DeAlto, Jessica Delfino, Juan Delgado, Stephanie DeLuca, Shirine and Tony DiSanto, Kathleen Donohue, Andrea Dunlop, Debbie Pell Dunning, Noam Dworman, Mark Ebner, Scott Einziger, Chris Erikson, Daniel Falato, Stephen Falk, Wayne Federman, Al Fielder, Shannon Fisher, Siobhan Foley, Julie Frady, Maya Francis, Alison Freer, Serena French, Jon Friedman, Molly Friedman, Paula Froelich, Adrienne Frost, John Fugelsang, Sarah Fuller, Ardie Fuqua, Jim Gaffigan, Joel Garreau, Marianne Garvey, Ido Gaver, Robert George, Hanna Gibeau, Laura Gilbert, Pia Glenn, Evan Gore, Elina Gorelik, Michelle Gotthelf, Joe Grieboski, Lloyd Grove, Joanna Gurin, Isaac Guzmán, Lauren Hackney, Sylvia Haider, Olivia Hall, Charlaine Harris, Eric Hegedus, Sarah Hepola, Gabe Hoffman, Jenn Hoffman, Ron Hogan, Jessica Hudson, Joselyn Hughes, Mary Huhn, Gale Anne Hurd, Jenny Hutt, Larry Izzo, A. J. Jacobs, Richard Johnson, Molly Jong-Fast, Chelsea Kalberloh Jackson, Don Kaplan, Jill Kargman, Robert Kelly, Gayle King, Jaime King, Leslie Kinzel, Gayle Klein, Jessi Klein, Larry Knapp, Sarah Knight, Annie Kreighbaum, John Kupetz, Shinji Kuwayama, Jillian Kuzma, Bonita Labossiere, Destiny Lalane, Anne Lamott, Artie Lange, Sam Lansky, Enty Lawyer, Beverly Lefkowitz, Michelle Leigh, Warren Leight, Ali Lerman, Lori Levine, Samantha Levy, Tony Leys, Amy Lighter, Courtney Lilly, Mark Lisanti, Courtney Love, Joe Lozito, Michael Lustig, Francesca Lyn, Steve Lynch, Peri Lyons, Ira Madison III, Michael Malice, Cat Marnell, Erin Mater Hogan, Jillian Dolby Mavodones, Soren McCarthy, Sheila McClear, Patrick McCloskey, Emily McCombs, Liam McEneaney, Joi-Marie McKenzie, Tara McKinney, Kimberly Rae Miller, Raakhee Mirchandani Singh, Sara Moffitt, Lee Moon-Griffo, Lane Moore, Sonja Morgan, Jonathan Morvay, Polly Mosendz, Allan Mott, Rajasri Narasimhan, Sharilyn Neidhardt, Lester Nelson-Gacal, Randi Newton, Brian Niemietz, Jayme Nimick, Hamilton Nolan, Jim Norton, Maggie O’Brien, William O’Connor, Arianna O’Dell, Keith Olbermann, Sandra Oles, Hannah
