Folded Notes from High School

he had an affair with Kathy.” She took that and was able to weave a rumor out of it. Just enough truth for an evil person like that to build a flat-out rumor. My bet is she wasn’t gonna do anything this disgusting until YOU got in a fight with her after YOU lied your friggin’ face off to MY GOOD FRIEND Stacey Simon! But once you gave that Kathy Connery cauliflower ear, my guess is she started thinking, “How can I get Tara back? How can I seek revenge on Tara Maureen Murphy?” What does she care if she drags me down with you? She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t give a rat’s ass if my reputation sinks to the bottom of the REZ so long as YOURS goes down, too! And what the hell does Kathy Connery have to lose? Chris got bored with her and went back to you. Then you pretty much ruined her ear for the rest of her life. Someone like that has NOTHING TO LOSE. So, what does a spying eavesdropper who works at Coconuts and has zero to lose do? She goes into Fanny Farmer Candy Shop with a bunch of other derelicts and starts a blatant rumor that you and I were banging on my friggin’ paisley tux jacket. What better way to get Chris all riled up again, huh? Thing Kathy Connery didn’t count on was my SPY. Don’t ever discount a lifelong friend who owes you one. That’s a good tip for you goin’ into your Freshman year, Tara. Oh, and when you get to college, don’t go around trying to break friends up with lies, k? It’s trite.

I’m almost a Sophomore, Tara Maureen, so guess what? I ain’t takin’ nobody’s shit no more! Ya heard? I’m not the naive, sweet, innocent kid who walked into South High in September of 1991. Nah, I ain’t that kid no more. I am a STAR! And guess what? I look like Keanu Motha-Fuckin’ Reeves! I got long hair that I blow out of my face and all the girls love it! Especially Joy Rebecca Bernstein!! As someone said recently, “It’s like havin’ Julia Roberts and Keanu Reeves at our school!” Don’t they know it! It’s 1992, Tara. No one is spreading lies about me and getting away with it.

So I had some copies made. And you’re right, I did say I would get rid of your stupid envelope, but I didn’t because I forgot. I have a busy, busy, busy life too, and unlike you, I don’t have a Month-At-A-Glance, so unfortunately I couldn’t calendar “destroying Tara’s pictures of Chris and Kathy hooking up.” By the way, the days on your calendar can’t get X’ed out fast enough!

I had the copies made, and man, was I mad. I was so mad I actually considered papering the town with those pictures. Ya know, the thing you were gonna do. But I took a breath, grabbed my Walkman, and went for a long walk, and guess where I ended up, Tara? At Camel Lot.

I sat there for a while, remembering every single moment of this entire year, and then I looked around and saw a sign. I walked up to it. It was a metal sign with a cute little camel on it. And under the cute little camel it said the word “Lot.” Camel Lot.

I walked around the rest of the elementary school parking lot and saw a metal sign with an adorable penguin and the word “Lot” underneath that. Penguin Lot.

I saw a metal sign with a super sweet-looking elephant and guess what was underneath that elephant? The word “Lot.”

Camel Lot is just the name of that part of the elementary school parking lot. And here I thought it was some interesting reference to the Kennedy family. The good news is that I do not need you to take me to Camel Lot so you can tell me why you named it that. ’Cuz guess what, Babe . . . you didn’t name it that. It’s just NAMED THAT!

When I figured all that out I just laughed. I laughed my ass off. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life. My adrenaline slowed down and I thought, “You know what, Matt . . . you don’t need to ruin anyone’s life. You don’t need to play dirty with dirty people. You are better than that.” And I am. I am way better than that!

So I fast-forwarded the mix I was listening to and put on “Home Sweet Home” and I ran home. Fast. Fast, like someone in a movie who has figured it all out.

And by this time it was pretty dark out. I got the huge box of copies and I dumped them in my garbage cans. I thought that would be the end of things. And I was ready to just confront Kathy Connery gashed face to cauliflowered-ear face and tell her to stop spreading her bullshit. But you know what I forgot about, Tara? The winds at night. Like you said, it’s been cold and windy at night, which is, in fact, so bizarre for June in New England. But Mother Nature has her way now, doesn’t she? I guess she had a little meditative think, too, and she chose to blow my garbage cans down and scatter thousands of copies all over my street and Chris’s driveway. Who woulda thunk?

Good luck tonight, Tara! It is, in fact, your last opening night.

And best of luck to you in all your future endeavors. K? Ya know? Do you know what I mean? DYKWIM?

Matt Bloom 1992

P.S. Oh my god, I almost forgot to tell you. Before I wrote this note I told Chris everything. He now knows that you are the one who sneaked into his backyard, climbed a grill, and snapped those photos. He’s wicked pissed. So . . . just a heads-up!!!!!!

Hiiiii Matt!!!

Oh my god, opening night was so good!! You