We’re still airborne but lower and lower said my sister, feel how we’re lowering, we’re beginning the descent, I’d say we’ve turned south-west, my sister said again who has a sense of direction, I don’t, I’ve never known my right from my left never mind the points of the compass, my sister does though, has always had a sense of direction never been wrong about a route except when being contrary but otherwise never, knows all the possible trajectories in advance, knows where they go and never questions them while I do, one route or another most of the time I don’t see the difference or much too late, in my car bellowing on the road, I don’t know which road, know nothing about that road except it was twisty and there was snow on it and I used to take it every day in the days of my apparently reasonably solid marriage which was actually already a total failure, going up and coming back down every day the same route to get away from my failed marriage as I headed down and believing as I came back up in my successful marriage, going down with the hope of not coming back and coming back up with the hope of one day going down without the hope of not coming back up, going down with a desire to live and coming back up wishing I could die, going down to live and returning to die, then one day going down to avoid dying, which I did in fact manage, I said to my sister, not only managed not to die but managed to come back to life, that’s the very minimum, I managed that minimum, almost didn’t make it, just made it, my sister said I know. I know you off by heart, you think you’re doing the minimum when actually you’re always doing the maximum, that’s what my sister was saying, and your maximum is not everyone elbe’s maximum but an exceptionally lofty maximum, my sister said, your maximum is fearful to behold, that’s why you need to eat well and sleep well every day and every night, you need to be taking care of yourself my dear, she was betting on health, saw in wellbeing the only way in general and for me in particular, begin with short outdoor walks, I know you like walking and nature when it’s untamed, my sister said, you can’t be counted on to cycle or get into jogging or go to the gym but outdoor walks are what works for you so start there, my thing would be Turkish baths, rather, yours is outdoor walks, remember you once saved me with a nature walk my sister said, walking up as far as the oak and coming back down again was enough to revive me remember, my sister said, sometimes that’s all you need, Kant went for outdoor walks, Bergson too and Schoenberg took constitutionals and Thomas Mann went for walks and Proust too was into walking, Papa took them, said my sister who knew Kant and Schoenberg and Mann and Proust and Papa very well and thinks I know them too because my sister and I had this shared education which makes my sister expect we’ll have shared affinities, my sister has a habit of forgetting that in my case this successful education has rendered me unfit for Kant and for Bergson, unfit for Schoenberg as well as for Thomas Mann, Proust and Papa, even though failure in her case opened the door to all of Kant and all of Bergson and all of Schoenberg and all of Mann and all of Proust as well as all of Papa, I didn’t dispute it though because I really like how my sister believes that like her I’m completely free to discover the constitutionals of inspiring great men and to envisage this incredible synthesis of great men’s constitutionals in general and of these men’s in particular, synthesis I’d never have thought of myself, I need my sister to believe in my admiration for great men, my sister’s admiration for great men is equal to her knowledge of great men while mine is on a level with my ignorance.
I admire you, I’d told the pianist no joke in the corridors of the Auditorium and remembering that now as we came in to land made me scream there and then soundlessly as a cow might perhaps scream soundlessly when after a few days her calf is not there, scream without calling for it knows perfectly well where to draw the line, already screaming no longer in hope but with death in its cow’s soul, is apparently grazing peacefully as if no calf never carried one nor gave birth nor fed nor loved in its instinctive cow way but thinks of it screaming as I was thinking while silent screaming that I’d said to the pianist unlaughing that I admired him, which was entirely false, I swear on my sister’s life which is much dearer to me than my own life: I’ve never admired the pianist. I really think I said I admire you to him solely in order to test the
