CHAPTER 10
Nina
Out on Long Island, my mother was so isolated, away from Manhattan and the friends she had made there. I was barely ever at school, so I can’t remember her socializing with the other mothers she might have met if I’d attended regularly. The only friend of hers I can recall was Marlene Colgate.
Marlene lived in Manhattan but spent July and August at her family’s beach house, just a few miles away from our home. She had four children, all of them my age or younger. Marlene was petite with long reddish-brown hair and freckles, a natural beauty, never overly concerned about appearances. She was a liberal and a free spirit who wore flowing Indian dresses. She’d grown up in New York City, gone to Smith College, and studied ballet. Marlene talked about politics, about making the world a better place, and how we all had to do our part to save the environment. My mother must have been drawn to Marlene because she was so different from your typical buttoned-up Lloyd Neck resident, but I think my mother also enjoyed time with Marlene because they were so different from each other. Even on the beach, my mother was quiet and self-conscious in her modest one-piece. Marlene, by contrast, was relaxed and confident, wearing her long bohemian dresses and openly breastfeeding her baby on the beach.
Those days with the Colgates were such a breath of fresh air for my mother—and for me, too. When we went to visit them, instead of being just two of us, my mother and I were part of a group. My mother would sit with Marlene, the two of them huddled together on their beach towels, heads almost touching, speaking in hushed voices. Marlene nodded and knitted her brow, putting a hand on my mother’s arm, listening to her, reassuring her. Marlene also took my mother’s concerns for my health seriously. She offered to introduce us to her own doctor, Dr. James J. Farley, a homeopathic doctor she described as “a genius” and a “real country doctor.”
Marlene’s eldest boy, Gibby, was the same age as me. Even though we were already old enough to figure out that boys and girls weren’t supposed to play together, we made an exception for each other, wading off into the water at the edge of the beach to look for minnows. Then came Wim, the second boy, two years younger than Gibby and me; Haven, the toddler; and Ted, the baby. For once, I was with a family where I was one of the eldest and where the other children were all close in age. One time, Gibby and I went too far down the beach, and the Colgates’ neighbor, an older woman, came out waving a shotgun, telling us we were trespassing on private property. My father came to our rescue; it’s the only time I can remember him being with us out at Marlene’s.
Malcolm didn’t enjoy the beach. He sunburned easily, and preferred being with his friends to spending time with his family. On this one occasion, he stayed for only a short time before he got up to leave, saying something to my mother as he turned to go. I didn’t catch the words, but I saw the look on my mother’s face: it was one of furious mistrust. I looked over at Marlene. She was also looking at my mother, observing the whole scene, her face furrowed with concern. As I remember it, Marlene’s reaction was one of the only times someone from outside the family gave me any context for what was happening between my parents. Her worried expression let me know that the way my father behaved was not right; that what was taking place within my family was far from normal.
* * *
IN NOVEMBER OF 1967, at my third-grade parent-teacher conference, I had already been absent so much of the year that it was impossible for my teachers to report accurately on my progress.
“Mrs. Reybold was extremely depressed and described the lengthy medical examinations that have not yet resulted in a diagnosis of Nina’s ailments,” my teacher wrote. “As far as we can ascertain Nina is keeping up, but it is impossible to know. Mrs. Reybold took additional homework for Nina ‘if she is able to do it’ but did not take the report card. ‘Throw it away,’ she said, ‘It’s useless.’”
In January, the school requested another physical report, so in March I went to see a Dr. Estes at the Sound Shore Medical Group. His recommendation was “full activity.” At this point, Dr. Estes sent the following note to our school nurse: “I think I have convinced Mrs. Reybold to return Nina to school. Please advise the school nurse not to call Mrs. Reybold when Nina comes to see her, but give TLC for 5 to 10 minutes and return her to her class. She may only be sent home if she has a fever of 101.”
However, by the end of the school year, I had been in school for only ten days in total, so they decided to hold me back and make me repeat third grade. My second time in third grade, I did a little better, but I was
