Later that night, I try to contact Tom, without success. He’sshut down our connection. I toss and turn for hours, fighting the urge to weep.
Things are no better the next morning.
I go to my mother’s suite after breakfast, but she is stillabed. The room smells musty, and I wish I could throw open the windows. YetMama complains her hands and feet are cold, even though Cordelia said she’scovered in blankets and wearing a mink victorine. I gesture for my companion toadd a log to the fire.
“Still under the weather, I’m afraid,” Mama says in a faintvoice. “All I want to do is sleep.”
Cordelia places another blanket over Mama’s legs. Then mymother explains about those educational plans that Kelly mentioned. I am tovisit his office each day, blast it. There I will be instructed in a languageof hand gestures tailored specifically for my needs. Modified sign language,she calls it.
Mama says that Kelly’s younger sister Rachel is deaf. No wonderhe wanted to be friends! It all makes sense now. He felt sorry for me becauseI reminded him of her. Evidently, Rachel learned to sign later in life and instructedKelly in the skill.
What’s this? In addition to sign language, the doctor wishes toteach me the alphabet, and later, Braille. I will be a slave to scholarship!And I did not ask to be renovated. I abhor change. The people I care aboutunderstand me. At least Tom does, when he’s not upset.
I’m happy as I am.
My mother is not happy. “I should have thought of getting you atutor before, but it didn’t occur to me. You will try these lessons, Hester.The world is exceedingly limited for women. Why make it more so by being ignorant?”
She thinks I’m ignorant? My own mother? Well… I’ll just refuseto go. The woman can’t do anything to me if she’s stuck in bed.
“I’m not to be agitated,” Mama says, sounding tired. “It’s badfor the baby.”
Damnation. I can hardly say no to that. Curse you, Kelly, forstirring up my life and making a mess of things.
11
Experientia docet. Ipsa scientia potestas est.
Experience teaches. Knowledge is power.
Wedrive into central Stonehenge amid snow flurries. Kelly’s practice is locatedon Black Swan Lane, and Willard drops us off there precisely at one. I followCordelia into a waiting room, and nearly slip on the wooden floor. It wouldseem that many a foot has crossed this threshold before us. I smell carbolicsolution and mustard plaster. Funny that I never detect these odors on Kellyeven when he’s been surrounded by them all day.
Must be the fastidious sort. Always changing his shirt orovercoat after working in the surgery.
I still resent being forced into this, but I can act the partof an inquisitive student. That way, Mama won’t be distressed, and I will havethe satisfaction of taking the moral high road with Kelly. How much can herequire in one measly lunch break?
A great deal, it would seem. He barely acknowledges my presencebut explains the stencils to Cordelia, asking her to work with me on thealphabet. When that is done, I practice writing the letters with chalk on apiece of slate. All twenty-six of the confounded things! Over and over!
Life is easier when nothing is expected of one.
Kelly finally turns to me. I feel his steady gaze and shrinkfrom it. Too bad we can’t just send messages through Cordie without anypersonal interaction. He rolls his chair around the desk and stops at my side. “I’ll need your hands now. No gloves. ”
I shake my head, tucking my hands under my knees.
Kelly scoots a bit closer. Is he wearing cologne? Sandalwood,perhaps?
“I can be as stubborn as you, minx. Give over. Let’s see them.”
I shake my head again. I do not wish to make contact with thisman’s skin. Dealing with him is difficult enough without visions entering intothe equation. I should know by now that Kelly won’t be deterred, however. Hereaches under my leg and grabs my hand, stripping the glove off in one motion.
Cringing, I fear the worst, but nothing happens. I am visionless.Deo favente…
“There, that wasn’t so hard. What exactly are you hiding?Warts? An extra finger? Looks perfectly smooth and soft to me. Really, Hester,have you ever done an actual days work?”
Odious, insulting buffoon.
In addition to being odious, Kelly is also physically strongand he won’t release my captive hand until he’s good and ready. “I’ll make asign, you’ll feel my fingers, and then you make the same gesture in return.” Heswivels to the side, still latched onto me. “Miss Collins, you need to learnthese, too. I have practice cards with drawings of the signs to send home withyou—finger spelling, new vocabulary, common phrases and such.”
The doctor lifts my hand up by my face, pinky side forward andthumb nearest my nose. He straightens my fingers and pulls my thumb out a bit
“Keep those fingers straight and tap your chin with your thumb.That’s the sign for mother,” he says. “Try it again.”
Kelly sits back in his chair. I imitate the sign, fascinated inspite of myself. Perhaps I was wrong about scholarship. It might be of some useafter all.
“Fingers straight, Hester. Very good. You even mouthed the wordcorrectly. How can you do that? Residual language skills from speaking in yourchildhood, perhaps.”
Without warning, the room begins to sway. A vision. So dizzy.Falling through shadow, falling. Past an attic room. Open suitcase, boots withred heels on top. Heartbroken. Stop her. What can I do? What can I say? Don’tgo, Evie. I’m tumbling fast, out of control. Some women aren’t meant tobe mothers, I told you that. Angry voices shouting… isn’t yours... isn’tyours… isn’t yours. Hard landing. Darkness everywhere.
What isn’t his?
The revelation ends there, and I return to myself, as though mylessons with Kelly had never been interrupted. I realize then what isn’t his.Or rather who.
He moves in his chair, the hint of sandalwood cologne growingstronger, and takes my hand. Kelly teaches me to sign thank you and you’rewelcome. I try to concentrate, but it’s difficult to act normal,
