This morning finds me in low spirits again. I sit abed, wonderingwhether I want to leave Kelly’s room. I haven’t for days, just staying in andnapping, but the doctor keeps waking me up. He has brought me flowers that Alicepicked from their garden and just-baked biscuits. He’s lain down on the otherside of the bed and read to me. Sometimes Robinson Crusoe or TheThree Musketeers, always stopping at the most exciting part. The man is utterlydiabolical.
Alice sometimes visits. Mostly she just peeks into Kelly’s roomfor a moment and then scurries downstairs without a word. The housekeeper hasthe day off today, which leaves the child in a perpetual state of boredom. Shedoesn’t trust me yet. I’m still the unwanted guest, stealing her father’s space,time, and attention.
Listening for Kelly, I hear him in his office, telling Alice shemay indeed look at his encyclopedia of North American waterfowl. Alice drops infront of the crackling fireplace, the book’s spine creaking a welcome as sheturns its pages.
What month is it? The end of April? Beginning of May? Wearing aborrowed gown from the housekeeper, I lift the long skirt, climb off the bed,and walk to the door, hoping I do not trip. I descend the stairs, gripping thehandrail until I reach the bottom, and then exit through the door by thekitchen. The garden smells of growing things pushing clear of the wet soil. Ikneel down and touch a tender shoot. The tiny leaf feels delicate against mypalm, the dirt heavy and oppressive by comparison. It occurs to me that plantsare rather brave, growing blindly toward the light.
How pathetic, a voice whispers. Where has braveryever gotten you? It didn’t save Davis. The whisper is like a brief thought,an impression, but I am profoundly sad again. Weary. Hopeless.
Kelly walks out of his house to find me kneeling on the grass.“What are you doing out here? It’s going to rain.”
I’ve lost my voice again, now the drugs are gone. But I havenothing to say to Kelly’s remark so I just shrug in response. He sits down onthe bottom step. I hear him reach forward, and pluck a blade of grass.
“Do you enjoy spring?”
My favorite, I sign. As a child.
“Really?” he asks. “But not now?”
Older. Feel ancient.
“At twenty-two?” Kelly plucks another blade of grass. “Bah! Yourlife’s just beginning. My Irish mother often told me—the sun may hide behindthe clouds in May, but the roses will bloom come July.”
I can’t help smiling. Of all the absurd advice. What doesthat mean?
“How should I know? The woman gave enigmatic counsel. Sheexpected me to work things out for myself.” He tosses the grass aside andstands. “I don’t blame you for forgetting, Hester, but the future holdswonderful things for you.”
Kelly climbs the stairs, and enters his home, calling forAlice. She meets him in the hallway and jumps into his arms. I hear him laughsoftly, swing her side to side. My mind grows dark at their happiness, and thewhispering voice returns. What do they know? They’ve never truly suffered.Not like you. I drop the little leaf I’ve been twirling, surprised at mythoughts. I love Noah Kelly, and Alice is just a timid, lonely child. Iwouldn’t want either of them to suffer.
Those words didn’t come from me.
But I have a good idea who was behind them. All these miserabledays I didn’t realize what I was hearing, who I was hearing in my head.And I didn’t kill Davis. His death was not my fault, even though I’vebeen accepting the blame and hating myself for it. Wanting to die.
Ah, Visionary. At last you see.
I rise to my feet, violated by Scarlett’s evil presence. Leavemy thoughts, liar. I know what you are. He whispers terrible things,things my father often said to me, things I’ve said to myself. Negative,hateful words that sound like my own voice. Get out. You’ve taken enough ofmy time. I won’t give you more. My body trembles, but I remain resolute. Idon’t give in when he pushes and then the voice grows softer, until itcompletely disappears.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I smell the wild sage from themountains on the wind. Thunder booms and rain splatters on the paving stones,the roof. I tilt my face to the heavens and water bathes my cheeks, runsthrough my hair. I smile at the sky and feel cleaner than I ever have, awash inthe tears of the gods.
I don’t have many possessions to pack. Besides the new dressI’m wearing, I have a second-hand night gown, a few toiletries, under clothes,and an extra pair of wool stockings. Truth be told, I wish I could sneak awayunnoticed. I hate goodbyes. But I can’t remain any longer and involve Kelly andAlice in my conflict with James Scarlett. I would never forgive myself if harmcame to them.
I carefully fold my petticoat into a neat square and place itin the suitcase. My hair brush, a set of combs, and a cake of soap soon follow.Last of all, the night gown.
“You don’t need to go,” Kelly says. He is just outside thedoor. I lift my head and smile at him.
Yes, I sign. I do.
The doctor crosses the room and sits on the bed. A small, softthud comes next, like a leather flap dropping into place.
Closed my suitcase?
“I meant what I said. Don’t go. Stay with me.”
Reopening the bag, I feel a tingling warmth begin at myhairline and move downward. I haven’t been embarrassed in some time, certainlynot around Kelly. Next to Cordelia, his housekeeper, and a few other females,this doctor’s viewed more of my body than any being on earth. I’ve vomited allover him and shown him the worst side of my character. Why am I discomfitednow?
Kelly closes the suitcase again, and reaches for my hand,grazing me with his fingers.
Stop!
“Which?” He laughs lightly. “Shutting the bag or touching you?”
Both.
The doctor grabs a handful of my skirt and hauls me into hisarms. “Stay, and don’t sign the word annulment again. Not this time.”
I feel like one
