“They’re not.” Marine looked around, lingering on a door toward the back of the place with an employees only sign.
I sat back up, figuring it meant something but not bothering to pry. “Well, to be frank, it doesn’t surprise me. She doesn’t cook them, right?”
“No. I don’t think. I don’t know who she is.”
I leaned back in the seat and scraped a menu over to my side of the table. Pretty normal fare. None of that weird shit. No mushrooms or bleu cheese or any of that filth. I had a little hope in spite of Marine’s verdict.
“Egg is really as far as you should go on a burger. You know? Familiar, but not used in a different way.”
Marine didn’t bother with a menu. “I don’t know. I like a little adventure, I guess. Weird cheeses and stuff.”
“So, are we supposed to talk about this Vircore thing or are we playing it cool like nothing’s up?”
“Yeah, I mean… I guess we can talk about it.”
“What’s the deal with the AI, then?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“I think I’m going to get a double. How thick are the burgers?”
She hesitated, I guess expecting a bigger reaction. Gotta stay one step ahead, people. “I don’t… normal size?”
“Well, that’s an absolutely fucking ridiculous measurement system.”
“Fuck you, no it’s not.”
“Okay, what’s normal? Fast food burgers are thin as shit and—”
“Ah! Right there! See? Thin is relative. Ass. Thick to you might be just right to someone else.”
“No, no, no. You said ‘normal.’ That’s implying a measurable average.”
She furrowed, trying to find a way around my impenetrable shield of burger logic.
“Give it up, girl. You tied your own noose.”
Her eyes opened and she looked at me pointing. “Ah! But, but… uh… normal implies a shared societal… uh… thing. Right? So we live in the same society so we should have relatively narrow expectations of normal relative to one another. So it’s a perfectly acceptable way. You know this isn’t a fast food place, and you said yourself that those are thin. Meaning you know the average burger for a place like this one is a bit thicker at least. So when I say normal, you know I mean normal for a place like this.”
Fuck. Time to abandon ship. “They don’t use Miracle Whip do they?”
“Hey, no. We’re not dropping this.”
“Look, Tubba is gonna be back soon—” She snickered at the name. “—and I need to have my order together or she’s going to bring me a dead rat or something.”
Cookie Monster reappeared at the table and sat the drinks down. Two waters.
“Ready?” She smacked her gum a few times.
“I love you.”
She sneered. “You want food or not?”
“Double cheeser. Lettuce, tomato, double mayo. Is it Miracle Whip? I don’t eat Miracle Whip. It’s the devil’s semen.”
“Gross.”
She didn’t answer the question. Marine ordered a burger with only ketchup. Fries came with everything, so… you know, this isn’t a truncated ordering dialogue sequence for the sake of brevity.
Tubba dragged the menus off the table.
“There are other lines of work.”
She flipped me off again. My food was probably going to be poisoned.
“So I was thinking…” Marine started.
“The gerbil thing? Me too. I realized you really only feel stuff in your assring, right there at the end. So I don’t think the weight would—”
“Marine!” A guy voice called out from across the place and the sound of a door shutting came right after. I may have become immediately defensive without even seeing his… oh damnit. Ruggedly handsome face. “And friend.” He said as he came to the side of the table, his few days of stubble making me feel sexually inadequate.
“Sup.” That was me. Not proud of it. No one says that. That’s not a human thing a human would say.
Marine spoke up as he sat down. “Ally, sorry for the short notice.”
I snerked. Ally? That’s a win for me, right there. He heard it and looked over at me.
“It’s short for Aloysius.”
Marine apologized. “I’m sorry he… he’s retarded I think.”
“It’s fine.”
Aloysius wasn’t any better, if we’re being honest. It’s a cartoon name. No one even knows how to spell it.
“Is it?”
He lost his handsome cool a little. “Oh? And your name’s so great Mister…?”
“Percy.”
He put on a victorious smirk. “Really?”
“No. My parents weren’t horrible, unthinking monsters.”
“Fuck me, both of you shut up.” Marine was annoyed. “His name’s Charles Lazenby and goes by Laze because he’s as self-conscious about his lame name as you are. Fuck sake, I came here…”
The food was here. Tubba put the red plastic trays down and slid them toward us. She wore a genuine smile now.
“Oh, Ally. You eatin’?” She practically cooed the words. Like a fat… a fat… pigeon-cow. Or something. I was going to do this whole thing without getting named, right? Mysterious protagonist. Ruined. Right out the window. Thanks for nothing, Marine.
“Nah, I’m good. Thanks, love.”
She smiled and left, swaying. Love? Are they dating?
“Are you two dating?”
Nice Marine. Good telepathy.
“No, it’s just an affect, you know? Like in England and stuff.”
Oh, fuck you.
I picked up the burger because acting like I was above the surrounding events felt like a decent way to go. It wasn’t Miracle Whip. I was going to get to the fries, but there was no ketchup.
“Hey, can we get some ketchup?”
The sigh was audible. She came back to the table empty handed and pulled some packets from her pocket. FROM HER POCKET. Why were they in there? That is not a ketchup storage area. That is not acceptable. She held them out and my hand instinctively moved under hers. What was I doing? I had to abort the approach. It was too late.
“Oh, god damnit. Fuck. Are you serious?” They were so warm. I gagged. I didn’t hide it. “It’s body temperature. You want me to eat tomatoes that have been warmed up by your crotch heat? The fuck is wrong with you? Why are you even a waitress?”
She’d walked away as soon as I started complaining. I had
