Her cheeks were still hot and she didn't want to look at him. "I don't know what to say." She wanted to throw herself into his arms and tell him, "I love you, that's where you stand." But to what end? He'd already told her he wouldn't go with her to Montphilo.
"How about if I ask questions and you answer?"
She nodded.
"Why did you refuse to button me? What was it about me that was so distasteful?"
She looked up and rolled her eyes. "Must we go back to that, Sober? I thought you had forgiven that."
"I did forgive." He took her hand. "I'm merely wondering at the reason. Was it something about me you couldn't stand? Is it something I can change? Is there hope you'll ever change your mind in the future? How can I know what I need to do, if you won't tell me what I did wrong in the first place?'
She pulled her hand away from him. "Now you're being ridiculous."
He nodded. "I guess I am. How ridiculous of me to think we might make a good button couple. What is it about me that you can't stand?"
"You're serious?"
He sat waiting.
"It had nothing to do with you. If I had been promised to Justice Palmtree I'd have refused the buttoning, all the same."
"Justice Palmtree? He was a more desirable button mate than I was?'
She groaned. "I just meant ... Oh never mind. Sober, I didn't even know you. I didn't refuse because you were lacking. I refused because I couldn't stand the thought of the overlords taking my babies and making them slaves."
He studied her for a moment. "So to protect babies that didn't exist, you sacrificed me to the overlords?"
She winced. He'd never understand. "You're the youngest. You never had to watch your baby brothers carted off. You never had to hear their wailing or your mother's weeping. "
Compassion pushed the door open and stuck her head in. "Oh, there you are, young man. I wondered where you'd gotten to. Well, come on, then. I've laid breakfast out in the library for the two of you."
Repentance silently followed Compassion down the hall, hoping that Sober might drop the whole conversation. She was sure she loved him, but she wasn't sure she could talk to him about it right then.
Two plates and two mugs stood on a low table in front of one of the settees in the library.
"Lord Carrull won't be joining us?" Repentance asked.
"He's gone to the palace." Compassion answered.
A surge of hope filled Repentance's heart. Lord Carrull would fix everything. She was sure of it.
Breakfast was fluffy mounds of scrambled spruce hen eggs with vegetables and sausage mixed in and buttered toast on the side. And to wash it down they had strong coffee with sweetened yak's milk.
Compassion, after pouring and making sure that everything was to their satisfaction, and after asking fifteen times if they were sure there was nothing else wanting, left them alone to eat.
"So," Sober said as if the conversation in Repentance's sleeping quarters had never been interrupted, "if you'd been promised to Justice Palmtree it would have been a little harder to sacrifice him to the overlords than it was to sacrifice me?"
She laughed. "Stop! You're being silly. I never said I wanted to button Justice. I had no intention of buttoning any man. Ever. From the day my first brother was taken, I made up my mind to never, ever button."
"It would have been helpful if you'd have told me that before I passed up every other chance."
"I didn't know you were waiting for me. I barely knew you were alive."
He chuckled. "If only I was as good looking as Justice Palmtree. You knew he was alive."
She picked a piece of tomato from her eggs and flicked it at him.
He swatted it away, laughing.
"Justice was in my school with me every day. You weren't. How was I supposed to know you?" She laid one hand gently on his back. "But I am sorry for what I've put you through. I didn't know they would beat you." Tears stung her eyes. "I didn't know anything, really. I didn't even know Harthill was made of ice." She shook her head, amazed to think of all the things she hadn't known about the outside world on the day of her buttoning ceremony. "All I knew back then was that I would never button and breed for the overlords."
"You knew we'd be taken away on the slave carts and that we'd never see our families again."
Repentance remembered Goodwoman Marsh on the ground, blood running from her broken nose, and shuddered. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
She set her fork down and shoved her food away, her appetite gone. "I was six when they took Tribulation. I hated my mother and father for letting the boys go. I grew up knowing that my parents couldn't protect me—wouldn't even try to protect me—if the overlords came for me."
Sober reached over and brushed the hair back from her forehead. "I wish you had trusted me enough to tell me before the ceremony. I would have liked to have said goodbye to my folks."
"I didn't even tell Comfort. I left her without saying goodbye." She had left a note, though. Sober hadn't gotten that chance.
"But it was your choice."
"Which made it worse. You went as a victim of my selfishness. Your parents could remember you with love. Mine had to live with the shame of what I did."
He took her hand, playing with her fingers for a moment and rubbing her palm with his thumb. "You really didn't know I was alive?" he asked looking up from her hand.
She shrugged and gave him an "I'm sorry" smile. "I know I owe you,
