Thorn and I still didn’t talk. We both stared at Titan.
“I owe you an apology.”
I turned to Thorn, unsure if I’d heard him speak because he hadn’t said anything in so long.
“I should have believed you,” he continued, his eyes on Titan. “If we’d both believed you from the beginning, this may never have happened.”
“You don’t owe me an apology, Thorn.” The only person who should be apologizing was me. It was my job to protect Titan, but I didn’t. I failed her.
I fucking failed her.
“I’m sorry anyway,” he whispered.
I watched her breathe into the tube, her chest rising and falling. She looked so small in the bed. She wasn’t in her stilettos and her designer clothes. She didn’t have her usual elegance and poise. She was a woman fighting to stay alive.
As if Thorn could feel my pain, he comforted me. “She’s going to be alright. The hardest part is over.”
“You think?” I stared at her small hand as it rested beside her.
“I do.”
I stared at my hands, feeling my breath come out shaky. “I keep telling myself that…because I couldn’t bear it if…” I refused to finish the sentence, to say the horrific words out loud. It was a fate I couldn’t contemplate. I’d rather die than live in a world where she didn’t exist.
“She’s the strongest person I’ve ever known. She’ll make it.”
I nodded in agreement. “She is a badass.”
“Yes, she is. She’d been shot in the chest, but she still kicked his ass. She’ll pull through.”
“You’re right.” It was the first time I felt slightly better. But until her eyes opened and she gripped my hand, I would still be uneasy.
I would be uneasy until I could tell her I loved her—and she could say it back.
Thorn drifted off to sleep in the chair, unable to keep his eyes open after being awake for thirty-six hours.
I hardly closed my eyes unless it was to blink.
Maybe I was delirious with exhaustion, or maybe I was energized by hope. Whatever the reason, my eyes hadn’t left her face as I kept waiting—kept hoping.
Finally, her feet moved. Her hand gripped the sheets. She took a deeper breath than usual.
“Tatum.” My hand moved to hers on the bed. The latex glove separated my skin from hers, but it was better than nothing. “Baby, I’m here.” I didn’t need to tell her it was me. She would always recognize my voice.
Her eyes opened, and she looked at me.
She couldn’t speak because of the tube in her mouth, but her eyes said everything she couldn’t. She squeezed my hand back, tears welled in her eyes, and she reached for me with her other hand.
I hit the button for the nurse and grabbed her other hand as I stood at the bedside.
The nurse came in a moment later, and they worked with the doctor to remove the tube down her throat. The machine was turned off now that she was breathing on her own. They examined her before they left the room again, giving us some privacy.
She cleared her throat several times, unable to speak.
I sat at the edge of the bed and grabbed both of her hands. I wanted to touch more of her, but out of fear for her injuries, I didn’t get too close to her. “How are you feeling?”
“I…I don’t know.” Her thumbs gently grazed over my knuckles. “I guess I feel good.”
My natural instinct was to squeeze her hands in relief, to feel her pulse strong against my skin. But I refrained from doing all the things I wanted to do. I wanted to crawl into that bed beside her and wrap my arms around her. “The doctor said you’re doing well. They just want to keep you for a while and make sure things continue to improve.”
Her eyes were heavy-lidded with fatigue, and she looked weak despite all the sleeping she’d done. “Diesel…I died.”
My hands went cold, my features frozen. The doctor had never mentioned to her that she’d flatlined during the surgery. “No, you’re here. You’re here with me, Tatum.” I squeezed her hands gently.
“No…I slipped away. I don’t know how long it lasted, but I was gone.”
I still hadn’t taken a breath, too tense to do anything.
“And I saw my father.”
She was on a lot of medication, including the aftereffects of anesthesia. So I didn’t contradict her or doubt what she’d seen.
“He told me he was proud of me…that he loved me.”
I held her gaze, my fingers caressing her.
“I know that’s crazy. I know how I must sound…but it happened. When he grabbed me, I felt him. I felt his spirit, and I think he felt mine. He told me I could fight and come back to this side…if I had something to live for. He told me that you have his blessing…and that you should forgive yourself.”
“Forgive myself?” I whispered.
“He said you felt guilty for not protecting me…”
I did feel guilty—and that sent shivers down my spine. It was something I’d been thinking about in the waiting room, had been thinking about since the moment she’d been shot. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, baby.”
“Don’t apologize, Diesel.”
“I should have waited for you.”
“No, don’t do that…”
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, stilling the emotion that had built up in my chest. I felt the tears before they started, felt the anguish before it truly emerged. Now that she was okay, I could finally let the dam open. I couldn’t keep the pain bottled up inside anymore. The tears formed in my eyes.
Two drops dripped down my cheeks.
“Diesel…” She squeezed my hands with her limited strength.
I took a deep breath and stopped the emotion in its tracks, swallowing it so it wouldn’t come back. That was the only vulnerability I was going to show. I never showed weakness in front of anyone. She was the one who’d almost died. Everything should be about her,
